She is sick again. Cue C-PTSD

[alphaomega]

I'm spiraling.

Just got the 8 millionth helpless waif phone call from NM - she cant walk.  Come now.  I need you.  Cry. 

I'm so triggered I can hardly see straight.  I'm dizzy, nauseous and shaking. 
I could probably have a full blown nervous breakdown if I allowed myself to. 

I told her I cant come and to call an ambulance. 
But she didn't want to do that .

She hasn't eaten.  She needs a glass of water.  She needs her medication. 

I said - I can't come.
ANd that is not a lie.  I long ago stopped driving because I have General Anxiety Disorder and Agorophobia along with C-PTSD and have all I can do just to go to work and come home and collapse.

I have long felt that the myriad of health problems she has had, has kept me tethered to her.  And I have been VVLC for a few years.  But what typically gets me to drop my boundaries is ILLNESS.
And she has had them all.  Believe me.

I can't handle another illness.  I just cant.  I cant do this anymore. 
She lives in a great ALF that will make sure all her needs are met.

I have no siblings to shove this off on.  There is only me.

My best friend and my husband went to find out whats going on.

I cant do it anymore. 

And my heart hurts. 

[BadgerGirl78]

Im so sorry. They always try so hard to get us with the medical stuff. Stay firm though. If she's in an ALF she is fine. If it's a true emergency she can call them. If you feel like she needs help, can you call the ALf and ask them to check in on her? That's what they're there for anyway.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm so sorry!   

UnBPD Didi used to pull stunts very similar to this, and I did the same thing - I can't come.  Call an ambulance.

She didn't want to BOTHER them.  Can't I just come instead?  Can't I just take her to the ER?

NO.  Call an ambulance.   

But...

No buts.  If you feel that poorly, call an ambulance.   

She'd usually slam the phone down, or do that thing where they're just SO weak, they have to drag the phone across the cradle, making all kinds of loud scraping sounds before limply wrestling the phone back into place. 

If your mom refuses to call an ambulance, you can always call 911 and have one *sent* to her house, and tell them what she told you - then just stay out of it from there.   

If they have to call the police and have them break in, the police will probably call you for permission - give it.  They'll probably involve APS - tell them you can't come and to do whatever they think they need to do;
you can't help.   

Once they scare the hell out of her and she starts bleating that she's FINE, oh, *you're*  the one making mountains out of molehills - she'll probably never do it again, because she knows you mean business. 

I'm an only too - and I stayed out of it, stayed away, and eventually was able to walk away, freeing myself from unBPDD idi (who died) and unNPD Ray (who got himself declared incompetent by overplaying his hand).

And yes - Didi had been dying for decades, and had all the diseases, even ones nobody had heard of, or you could only get from eating infected goats in certain parts of Africa! 

Just let *that* sink in - it's more of the same fakeritis, and if it's not, the paramedics can handle it, while you stay *safe* and free from abuse. 

[alphaomega]

OMG that is EXACTLY what she said !

I don't want to bother the ALF or the paramedics.

I said - what exactly are you wanting me to do ????? 

Just come here.  Just come.  Please come.  I need you.  You are my kid !!!!  I need you !!!

She's at the hospital currently and I cant go.

[Psuedonym]

alphaomega,

I was reading your post and picturing you mother alone in her empty house out in the woods, miles from civilization, and then I got to the part where you said:

She lives in a great ALF that will make sure all her needs are met.

and I thought, hold up! What?? I don't know if you are mad right now, but i am mad for you. This is just so manipulative. She's in assisted living for the love of all that is holy. There are people there who are paid to take care of her and she's telling you to come over immediately because she needs a glass of water and her medication? Last I checked, AL facilities had little buttons you could press for that. Of course you're triggered, because everything is a non stop crisis that you're supposed to fix but can't possibly fix because it's a bottomless pit.

I get it. I am also an only child and my dad died a year and a half ago. About four months ago, M fell and broke something in her shoulder and had to go to respite care/AL. She did not take it well. She started calling me nonstop saying she wasn't going to stay there, and when that didn't work she started faking like she was dying and had to go to the hospital (which also didn't work). At that point I was in the state that you are describing now, and it led me to do something that made me feel instantly 100% better:

I blocked her number.

I just blocked the number, and I realized that I didn't have to listen to it anymore. I didn't have to pick up or sit there anxiously waiting for the next call. It was a huge relief, i highly recommend it.  You have the AL people, your husband, and your best friend on top of the situation. Take a break.

I absolutely know where you're coming from. I just got a call not an hour ago that M was taken to the hospital for a nosebleed that wouldn't stop, of all things. If I were in contact with her I would be having a meltdown right now. Instead I'm letting the hospital and the place where she lives handle it. If someone absolutely positively has to go get her, my boyfriend will do it.

I have a good friend who is a neuropsychologist who described what you're experiencing (what I experienced as well) as a classic trauma response. You've had all the stress you can take and your body is telling you that. Please take care of yourself and let everybody else handle it right now. You deserve some peace and quiet.

[WomanInterrupted]

It's spooky, isn't it?  It's like they all pass around the same playbook!   

She's at the hospital - great!  THEY can take care of her, and if anybody calls you, tell them you can't do a thing for her, and if she needs help, they'll have to figure it out without you.   

Repeat as often as necessary.  Block numbers if you start to feel like you're being hassled or harassed, in any way.   

If they decide to discharge her without follow-up care, and she calls you for a ride, tell her no can do - call a cab or an Uber - then block her number for a period of time *you* deem acceptable.   

Your mom may be thinking she can "trap" you into caring for her, like unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray - but what they fail to realize is the trap doesn't work if *you stay away* and REFUSE to be involved.

[alphaomega]

I'm so chronically exhausted I don't think there would ever be enough sleep in my lifetime to refresh me back from this perpetual state of fear I live in.

Trauma.  Trauma and fear.    24/7

I wake up thinking - what will the catastrophic embroilment be today ? Whats the Trauma Du Jour ?

Today for your dining pleasure,  chef is featuring Potential Deadly Blood clots, with a side of Iffy Balance Issue,  under a bed of Arugula and Organic Incontinence. 
.
Or, if you please, the CHEFS SPECIAL, which is a mystery meal combination of a farm raised grass fed, pasture finished You Won't Be Able To Function Today,

Either way, like the Hotel California, you can check out anytime, but you can never leave.     

[WomanInterrupted]

I missed that she's in AL - my bad! 

From now on, let THEM coordinate everything with the hospital, and *stay out of it.*   

You might want to call the AL and speak to the social worker, just to let him/her know that you're bowing out of the picture, because you just can't keep doing this to yourself.  From now on, THEY can handle everything, and leave you out of it.   

And please give yourself permission to *block your mom's number.*   

She won't die.  She's not out on an ice floe, in the middle of nowhere.  She has people to see to her needs, and all she has to do is push a button.  By blocking her number, you'll be forcing the issue, and pushing her problems back to her side of the table, where they belong.

If she *refuses* to avail herself of the services available to her - that's not your problem, and the social worker will know to keep an eye on the situation.   

But this doesn't have to be your problem if *you don't want it to be.*

Yes, I remember FAR too well what you're describing - she won't eat!  She can't eat!  She can't walk!  She's got a life-threatening canker sore!  Soup hurts!  Can't I DO something about all of that?

NO.

Why....

Because I don't have Harry Potter's phone number!   

They just want to try to keep drawing us back in, to be re-traumatized, over and over and don't CARE what they're doing to us, just as long as they get what they want, when they want it.

But you have the ability to make it *stop* by blocking her number and letting the AL take care of everything.   

She'll hate it and probably throw a massive tantrum, but that's not your problem - they're used to it and get *paid* to handle these situations.

You're not   - and I think it's time you hang up your Superwoman cape and tights, because IME she's only going to keep doing the same thing, over and over, if she gets any sort of response from you other than *total silence.*

[alphaomega]

OHHHHHHH that sounds sooooooooo tempting WI - as I sit here with chest pains while the room spins about me like a cyclone 

But, what would be my reasoning to HER ?  She already knows the GAD, AGOR, C-PTSD, cant drive, cant barely go out to a restaurant without feeling like I'm going to fall over in my chair. 

SO - if I blocked her number, without her prompting me to do so vis a vis her normal state of horribleness, what would me excuse be ?

Isn't that so weird ? 

I need an excuse FROM HER to give myself permission to put myself first ?

But, in my conscience, it feels like - I am the one doing the abandoning.  To her.   Even though, at times, I swear she wishes me dead.  And would LOVE nothing more to add to her story of I Win The Most Pathetic Life AWard.

[WomanInterrupted]

You don't NEED reasoning.  You don't *have* to JADE.  You just block her number, and that's that.   

You are NOT abandoning her - she's in a *safe environment*, getting the care she *needs* and not the care *she thinks she deserves from YOU.*   

The *only* person you need to justify your decision to is YOU.  You're the one who matters.  You're the one who is being abused, and being treated like malfunctioning vending machine, that she keeps kicking, over and over, expecting to get what she wants, when she wants it.   

With you blocking her number and *saving yourself* from her, she can still Win The Most Pathetic Life, Ever Award because *her adult DD is ghosting her.*  Oh, how tragic for her!  She can tell everybody at the AL how awful you are, how she's just a sweet little old lady who just wants to be lurrrrrrved - and the other residents can look at her like, "Yeah.  Right.  Pull the other one." 

If you really feel like you need an excuse from her - you're sitting there with chest pains from this latest farce of hers.  Isn't that an *excellent* excuse to go dark?

You can do this, Alphaomega - you can make it STOP by blocking her number and letting the hospital and the AL coordinate *everything* from now on.   

She can have all the tantrums and "health scares" she wants - and you won't have to hear a thing about it! 

[Andeza]

Fear of abandonment, of being on the giving or receiving end, ties in nicely with anxiety doesn't it?  .

You don't need an excuse, and she is not owed one. Might want to say that over a couple of times. I find that saying something out loud helps me believe it. You're not abandoning her, you're just taking a break for the sake of your health. I read your other thread. You really, really need some peace and quiet to focus on you. A spa day, something you enjoy. She has sucked away your joy, your peace of mind, and will just keep sucking more. Black hole style. Given the chance she can and will consume all that you are. Don't let her. It's your life to live, not hers to steal.

Kills me they don't want to bother the ALF, who's paid to look after them. Nor do they want EMT's, who are trained for this sort of thing and see to it every day. However, it's absolutely fine (nay expected) for them to expect us to drop everything and go running to help at every little thing. Because somehow that doesn't bother us? Nah, I guess we just don't count. We're not "real" people after all. We're just extensions of themselves.

ETA: WI speaks complete wisdom.

[Psuedonym]

Excellent advice from WI and Andeza!

If you need reinforcements for your decision (I know I did!) might I recommend the Youtube channels of:

Kris Godinez: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHk_36kn2zDnVL-d23tE6bg/videos
Les Carter: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw/videos
Richard Grannon: https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH/videos

All of them have great advice on dealing with Narcissists (look for the covert videos especially) that will make you feel validated and sane.

[BadgerGirl78]

Like wveeyone else has said YOU are reason enough to go NC. If she's causing you this much anxiety that's your reason. It's not healthy. You deserve to be healthy.

[Duck]

Even if you thought of the best, most acceptable excuse, she would not accept it. There is probably no excuse she would accept.

I also get physically sick when I am being prodded to spend time with my pdF. I believe your body is trying to tell you something vitally important.

Also, you are as important as her. She is not more important than you.

[WomanInterrupted]

I hope you're doing okay - I've been thinking about you. 

Duck is right - if you're looking for your mom to see reason, it's never going to happen.

You could get a dream job, halfway around the world - and she wouldn't be happy for you.  She'd wail and sob that you can't leave her!  She's allllll  allllloooone!  You can't take the job!  She won't have it!  She won't ALLOW it!   

Everybody on earth gets a super-contagious form of Skittles Pox, mandatory home quarantines are being enforced by Hazmat-suit wearing members of the National Guard, who have orders to shoot to kill anybody out in public, if they refuse to get in the van and go to a quarantine facility. 

Your mother will wail and cry that she's lonely, bored and old and you HAVE to come see her!  Surely, they'll make an exception for HER!   

You could be in a freaking COMA and she'd *still say it's not an excuse!*  Wake up and get your  ass over there!  She's sooooooo booooooooooored and needs a drink of water!   

To her, there is NO valid reason - now or ever - that you shouldn't be on-call, 24/7 to *save her from problems of her own making* - or other problems she expects you to try to fix, while not really wanting them fixed at all - she just wants to COMPLAIN, while nothing changes - including your status as a THING, who sits on a shelf, has no life, no job, no relationships, no responsibilities, until she snaps her fingers and you spring to life, to do her bidding immediately.   

It doesn't work like that.  You don't sit on a shelf, in suspended animation, waiting for your marching orders. 

The person who needs to give you permission to block her number and walk away from this constant badgering is YOU.   

YOU hold the key to your own  cell.  You've had it the entire time, but you've just never allowed yourself to see it was there, hanging right by the door.   

You deserve better.  You deserve to be treated like a *human being*, with the respect and courtesy we show others.

Your mom's needs *do not come first, now or ever.*  YOURS do.  It's your life and you get to be the star of it, and not just a bit-player in the never-ending drama of The Mom Show.   

This situation isn't healthy, and you know it.  It's not good for your mental, physical or emotional well-being.

Blocking her is the sanest, smartest decision you can make - and I'd be willing to bet your DH would back me up on that because he *loves you* and hates what your mom is doing to you.

There is NOTHING your mom can do to you if you block her number.  She won't come marching to your house, to ground you, take away your car keys, send you to bed without supper, or take away your phone.

You are an ADULT.  YOU decide who gets to talk to you - or IF they are allowed to talk to you.   

Please consider blocking her number for a few days, sitting with the discomfort, processing it, and *feeling it.*

You might discover you actually like the silence, and it might start to settle in that *other people are on this, and can see to your mom's needs.*   

If you'd like, continue the block - you can tell yourself you can remove it at any time - and you can - but I have a feeling once it *really* sinks in that she can't get to you, you'll keep it in place.

Your mom does NOT want the best for you - you live to serve.  She said it herself - you are her kid.

But you are not a kid - you are an ADULT and you are not something she owns!   

And it's time to seize your life from her and claim it as YOURS!   

[Lilyloo]

alphaomega,       I feel like I'm reading about my mother in your posts.  I'm at the same place you are. The advice here is spot on and awesome. It's hard to understand mothers who think only of their needs. It is not how God meant it to be. I keep telling myself that.  I hope you are ok.  I truly care

[alphaomega]

Thank you guys.  I cant explain what a source of comfort you all are.

She was released back to her ALF skilled nursing division.  She has nothing further than what she had before, which is bone on bone knee.  Nurse at the ER bascially told her -
you have a shitty situation that you have to just live with because - jsut like all the orthopedic surgeons you have seen said - you wouldnt survive the recovery much less the surgery.

DH came home with dealing with all of it, ashen and screaming about her ridiculous and embarrasing demands at the ER.  SHes an old nurse - so she thinks she runs all the hospitals and emergency rooms within the entire tri-state area.   

I collapsed in bed.  Didnt drink but had to take a xanax - slept mostly sound but woke up with the same anxiety fueled maladies.

I have had her number blocked on my cell for 6 months.  All her communication comes through DH phone and texts.

This morning it started with - I NEED CLOTHES.   Yesterday when he went and picked up her necessities after bringing her to skilled nursing, nothing was right of course. 
And since she refused to pay her caretaker last September - (remember Creepy Kissy WI ?)  shes kinda fucked.

She does had one lady that comes a few days a week.  But shes not like Creepy Kissy was .  Wont drop everything on a dime to kiss her bloodied toe and make sure her coffee is just the exact shade of lightness she requires <<< both true stories BTW.

She is trying LIKE hell to get me there in some fashion.  But I'm going to my facial appt I scheduled from your guys great idea.

Heres the problem - even if I block her which I did, she still causes choas in every part of my life.  Its like her negative lurks in every corner of my world. 
My husband is ready to implode.  And that choas is in my home.  It is also at our work because I work with him and my BFF.

And my mother owns the company.

FML

[Alwaystoblame]

My mother did the same. She was 45 mins away at a high end ALF with 24hr nurse on staff. When I told her that I couldnt up and leave to "rescue" her, she started to manipulate the staff. I was getting calls all the time from the director and nurse about my moms conditions and medication, etc. She was playing the waif and they were going along with it. One day I get a call from the nurse saying my mom has to go to emergency to be seen about some pre excisting concern. So I put it right on the nurse. "what would you like me to do?" She said I should drive the 45 mins to take my mother another 30 mins to the closest hospital. I lost it and told the nurse to snap out of it. CALL AN AMBULANCE if it is an emergent situation! Those narcs have a magical ability to manipulate and scheme in order to get what they want. Playing the elderly card always works in their favour. dont get sucked in. Both my parents did this nonsense and in the end they both left this world with no family members by their sides, alone. They cried wolf so many times we just walked away and went NC.

[alphaomega]

Today's Chaos Crisis Du Jour.

So she's settled in skilled nursing - I went and packed up her clothes but would not deliver them .  DH did that for her.  That was yesterday. 

Well....

She must have reallllllllllllllly upset someone on the staff there yesterday.  Because today, her iPhone that did not have a passcode on it, suddenly had one....

And there is no way she could have gotten into settings herself, because she's not that resourceful.

So, someone is messing with her and her phone is now permanently locked.

So today was all about running around no getting her a new phone. 

3 days three different crisisies. 

There is no end to the this.

[WomanInterrupted]

There is a way to stop all this crisis after crisis nonsense - *don't respond to anything.* 

She needs clothes - tell the people at the rehab.  If she asks nicely, they'll find her some!   

Yes, the rehab is probably a wing of the SNF.  If residents pass on, and nobody collects their clothing, they keep the more gently-used stuff for situations like this.

They'll also provide her personal care products and toiletries, too.

UnNPD Ray is in a memory care unit, and that's where *all* his stuff comes from, since I won't have a thing to do with him - and they *understand* and have no problem with me being No Contact.   

She needs a new phone - well, SHE can figure out how to get one, and leave you and your DH  OUT of it.  You are *not* her personal shoppers, and, even with a passcode, *it still makes calls* - she can call the Iphone store and order one.

And yeah - I remember that one.  Your mom made somebody so angry, they put a passcode on her phone and locked her out.  UnNPD Ray screamed at the wrong person at the phone company, over long-distance charges he swore it didn't make (yes, he DID!), and the woman got so angry, she *turned off his phone* - permanently!   

With a few months of unBPD Didi's death, he lost the phone number he'd had for over sixty years, because he can't keep a civil tongue in his head.   

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask DH to block her on his cell, too - if she needs help, she's GOT people around her who are *paid* to care for her, and see to all her needs.

Please consider dropping the rope - for *both* your sanity!   

I know how people like your mom are - unBPD Didi  and unNPD Ray were the same way - they'd run you ragged, day in and day out, doing "errands" for them, and still complain that you don't do anything for them and never visit - while you're right there, visiting!   

BUT...a visit is NOT a visit if you ran an errand and are dropping something off, or if you did a little work in her room - even something as small as picking up a kleenex off the floor and pitching it, because it missed the can on the first try.  That's WORK - not a visit, and that a kleenex negated your visit, downgrading it to work, so she gets to gripe that you never visit.   

Nuts, isn't it?   

Every day is a different drama, a different crisis, a different SERIOUS problem - and it never stops, because *they just can't help themselves and LOVE to manufacture all the chaos they can.*

The only thing you can do is NOTHING.  Malfunction!  Block her number so she's got no way to contact you, and let HER figure out her own problems.   

You'll be surprised at how capable she really is.  They always are - they just don't *want* to be and think they are OWED special attention by us - and that's not true.

She's getting the care she NEEDS - not what she thinks she deserves from you, and that will just have to be good enough.   

I think it would be wise if you blocked her on all fronts, and just send all business correspondence to her lawyer or accountant, who can forward it to her, and she can mail it back, if needed.

Since she's in IL, I imagine she's supposed to be retired, and not keeping some kind of iron grip on the business - but if she is, you're really going to want to consider your futures.

Is she leaving it to you, or not - and do you even want it, and want to continue running it, or are there plans to sell the business?

If you don't know those answers, I think it would be time to find out from her lawyer *exactly* where you stand - you may be doing all this work, for nothing, if she gives the business to somebody else or has plans
to sell it and leave you both out in the cold.

If you can figure out *exactly* what's going on with that business, it might make blocking her a whole lot easier - and help you plan for your own future, together.