She is sick again. Cue C-PTSD

[alphaomega]

OHHHh WI how your stories give me solace.  You have no idea. 

My father left her his share of the business in his will when he died of a Widowmaker.  She never ran it.  That all fell in my lap.  She stepped away after getting her kidney removed 12 years ago.  But she is still majority shareholder. 

Dad inadvertently left me beholden to her.  And right before he died he was just getting his voice against her bullshit. 

He actually said to me one night after too much gin - God help you if you are left with her and I'm pushing up daises.

I almost threw up.

At that time, we were both so in the fog neither of us could see straight.  We all overlooked her crap because she was "orphaned at 11 and lost her sister and her daughter"

So in our minds, that gave her carte blanche to be literally the worst f-ing human EVER.

I fully understand why in his mindset at the time he set it all up as he did.  But it saddled me with her indefinietly until she crosses.

There are Trusts and attorneys etc involved.   And I have been advised to leave everything alone for many reasons. 

What never ceases to shock me to no end, is that this woman has had literally every single malady a human body can edure - except heart problems.

And she has had hypertension for 60 years.

But thats the one single thing that is perfectly fine on her.

If you or I or any of us here had the trauma this woman faced, our hearts would have given out a longgggg long time ago.

But, you have to USE it. 

She never did.  Because all she feels is how to inflict pain and misery on everyone else.

Hearts wear out because they LOVE. 
And in those acts of love, there are aches that border inexplicable pain.


She never used hers.  Ever.

[Duck]

Do you have your own attorney? Like, someone who represents you and not her?

[alphaomega]

Yes. 

[Duck]

I like the idea of going through lawyers for business tasks and messages.

Is it lucrative? I don't ask to be nosy. I ask because I wonder if it is worth it.

Thinking of you and hoping today isn't quite so terrible.

[alphaomega]

"Is your PTSD over yet?"

When DH and BF went with her to the hospital, they told her that I have C-PTSD and under NO circumstances will I be tending to her and caretaking for her because I simply cant handle it anymore.  They avoided the truth of the matter (that I can't tolerate her at all anymore) by eluding to the fact that I have this C-PTSD as a result of my sister and fathers deaths.

"AO has had so much trauma in her life, that ANYTHING that is medically related to illness or anything surrounding that, is a trigger for her that she simply cant handle anymore."

That was a week ago.

I havent had but the minimalist of contact with her - I blocked her on my cell, so all communication is through DH cell.

Friday he gets a text meant for me that asks "How are you ?  Is your PTSD over yet ?  I miss you so very much my beautiful child".   

I almost lost mt shit.

Is my PTSD over with yet ???????  So I can come and play slave nursemaid to her already ????? 

Today I get a phone call with her lamenting about how lonely and miserable she is.  But she TOTALLY understands that I just cant. 

Mmmm hmmmm.

I'm not going to the care center.  Not doing it.  Cant afford the 3 day emotional hangover this week. 

Thanks for listening.

[WomanInterrupted]

Good grief!   

Is your PTSD over yet?  Just when I thought I'd heard just about everything, THAT takes the cake!

When somebody asks something that idiotic, an evil part of me would love to retort, "You're not dead, so no."   

You've got the right idea - focus on YOU.  Take care of yourself.  Your mother is in a safe place, getting the care she needs, from the professionals who are *paid* to see to her - but she's angry she's not getting the care she thinks she *deserves* from you (meaning 24/7 fawning slave labor).

If she wants to sit in her room, being lonely, sad and bored - that's not your problem.  You're not making that choice for her.  SHE is choosing to be lonely, sad and bored by not socializing, or making good use of the amenities the facility provides.

UnNPD Ray is the same way - as far as I know, he sits in his room, 24/7, watching NCIS reruns, or football.  He even gets his meals delivered to him, because he's a danger to the other residents, whom he can't stand because they're all OLD. 

If your mom wants to do the same thing, instead of making an actual *life* for herself - well, that's up to her, but you don't have to have ANY part in her lousy decision-making.   

You don't sit on a shelf, waiting for her to call and give you your marching orders.  You are a vibrant person and have a LIFE of your own, and THAT takes priority over any of her bleats. 

From now on, if she calls or texts your DH about needing to go to the ER, I suggest your DH call the facility back and place it back on THEIR shoulders, while  staying OUT of it, completely. 

You'll both start to feel better, I think, once you exercise that option a few times.  Others HAVE this.  DH just needs to let them know what she said, sit back, and let them take over - and blocking her number for a week or so might be a good idea. 

I also have C-PTSD, and the one thing I know about it is it's over when it's over - for the time being, at least! - and that happens whenever it happens, and NOT on anybody's timetable!

And thankfully, I'm not as easily triggered - but that's taken *three freaking years* of telling myself, over and over, that I'm SAFE and Ray is in Monster Jail, what my Inner Child calls the memory care unit.   

So focus on YOU - you are worth it, and you always know what you're getting. 

Focus on your life, DH, job, hobbies - and let your mom become background noise, where she belongs.

Or your DH can also block her number and she can be *silent* - with the professionals to see to all her needs. 

[alphaomega]

Oh my goodness WI - My mother wont go down to meals either !  Because they are all "too old, too sick". 

But, she mentioned how she cant ever get a "moments peace" as there are CONSTANTLY someone coming in her room.  PT, OT, 3 squares a day (presented on beautiful china BTW  )

Long story longer, last Wednesday I couldnt take the chest pains any longer and finally went to the ER. 

They did a full CT scan of my whole chest, abdomen, pelvis, and lo and behold, my organs are "pristine" 

How that could possibly be the case ?!?!?

I have no clue.  I have drank to cope since I was 5 years old.

Angels are working overtime for absolute sure !!

So that was a huge massive wakeup call. 

Everything HAS TO change.  Now.

Stress test is on Monday.

God forbid she ever found out this happened.   She'd make sure everyone in a 5 mile radius knew what a mess I am.

She used to love to tell people how weak I was. 

If THIS is WEAK ?  I dont wanna be strong.

[Yael924]

Is your PTSD over yet?

                   
                     

Ok, thanks for that. It's a show stopper.

But bringing some logic to the comedy hour....
Typically, when someone you care about is diagnosed with an illness that you don't understand, what do you do?

Exactly. But she didn't even bother to do an internet search. (Or she did, and this is the equivalent of sticking her fingers into her ears while chanting, "I am not listening to Alpha omega; I never terrorized anybody; I am not listening....")

Hang in there girl, we are all pulling for you!!

[alphaomega]

Are y'all ready for THIS giant, flaming sack of horseshit ?!?!?!

She has now decided to take on my C-PTSD as some sort of a "crusade" and is apologizing all over the place for being a horrible mother.

As if I didnt carry enough shame and guilt on my already overburdened shoulders, yesterday she call work (only place she can actually get through because. owner ) And proceeds to tell me to watch a movie names "Diane" and that she realizes now what a not so good mother she was to both me and my late sister.

I asked her - why are you saying this now ? 
Her response - I just understand now that I pushed you and her so hard.  I never stopped pushing even when you silently screamed that you couldnt take it anymore.

SO now WTF.  What the ACTUAL F ?????????????

How do I navigate this ? 

Is this a ploy ? 

Is it her "come to Jesus" moment ?

Is it a covert way to get me to go to the SNF ?

And after I said - thanks for recognizing that - she proceed to LOVEBOMB me like I was the human version of Hiroshima.   

Please help guys.  Thank you.

[Andeza]

Oh good heavens. My uBPDm does something similar with me every time she thinks she has "crossed a line." Usually complete with blaming her depression and health problems for everything. In other words, she doesn't accept responsibility.

This is like the clingy child wrapping themselves around momma's leg when they find out she is going to the grocery store, screaming "Don't leave meeeee!!!"

Her apology doesn't cover the heart of the matter anyway. Pushing you and your sister implies that she pushed you guys hard to succeed, not that she pushed your buttons like a bad kid in an elevator. I've had the blanket "horrible mother" apology as well. She never addressed any of the real reasons that I was upset so I never responded to the apology. I left it floating in the ether as though it didn't exist because, well, it wasn't real. My BPD mom just apologizes en masse for "everything" when she thinks she's fallen out of favor or feels me pull away. There's a long and complicated story behind that, but suffice it to say my memory is better than hers and it serves me well.

Stay the course and keep your distance is my advice.

[Psuedonym]

I would say that if she is really genuinely sorry then she needs to start going to DBT therapy posthaste and keep going regularly for quite some time. Because if she doesn't change her fundamental way of dealing with the world then nothing has actually changed. I think how she reacts to that will tell you a lot. I think most experts would agree that people with BPD/NPD aren't gonna change.

I am sort of lucky in a way in that my M has never wavered on her 'best mother in the world' assertion. She has done nothing, ever, that is at fault. She tells my BF that I'm crazy, a liar, unstable, etc. and then asks why I'm not calling her.

[WomanInterrupted]

Wow...unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray would *never* admit something like that, even if it was just a ploy - and I think it  IS.

It's your cue to jump in and say, "No mom, you were great!  I was the problem!"   

Or you're somehow meant to *console* her about being such a bad parent - yeah.  Wrap your mind around  THAT one.  She's a bad parent, yet she's somehow the VICTIM, and you must console and placate her!   

Give her another couple of days, and she'll probably conveniently sweep everything under the rug again, and start making demands, or tell you you're using your CPTSD as an *excuse* - or that you're simply  making it up, now stop it.   

Or...she may claim *she* has it from raising such an ungrateful so-and-so - how DARE you leave her all alone, with all those old people!?   

I think your mom is at the point she's throwing just about everything at you, to see what sticks - her goal is to get things back to the way they were, because this new reality where you have *boundaries* isn't to her liking.

Here's a nice stress-relieving idea:  Take a picture of your mom, put it on a dart board and take it from there.   

She'll never know, and you'll feel like you're getting away with something.   

[alphaomega]

So chest pains that brought me to the ER two weeks ago, culminated in a stress test with contrast this week.

Turns out - I'm healthy as an ox.  I'm above average in exercise capacity and no blockages.   
Thought for absolutely sure - there was something so scary going on that I was FOR SURE dying.

But I'm not dying. 

'm just trying to protect myself from her. 

This woman is going to kill me or die trying.

Negative energy is real.  She sits all day and just sends me awful thoughts - of illness and death.  Constantly.

[Psuedonym]

I believe you, alphaomega,

I had a non-stop headache for a year and a half that I thought was maybe allergy related or because I needed glasses. Very painful and nothing really seemed to help. Went NC with my uBPD/N M and, boom, no more headaches. Funny how that works. The other thing is that if you're used to self-medicating your feelings, then you've been avoiding them for quite some time, and that may well feel like you're dying. But you aren't dying and you're tough and you're gonna get through this!

[alphaomega]

{{{{{{PSEUDONYM}}}}}}} 

I want so badly for her to just LEAVE ME ALONE !!!

Just got off the phone (work) with her, she needs to go to get a shot in her knee and DH has to take her.

I want to throw up.

Whats so fascinating about all of this - is that I feel forced to maintain a "relationship" with someone who not only brings NOTHING to the table but misery and woe, she is dangerous when left to her own devices.

There was a doctor once that said "She is detrimental to her own demise".

SHe managed to leave the conversation with giving me a GIANT guilt trip.

"I GET SOOOOO EXHAUSTED.....AND I MISS YOUUUUUU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH"

This, after she started to scream at me when I pushed back on having to take her to the doctor Friday.

But, like a good NARC, she backed off that one real fast.  She knew not to cross the line too far with me.  Because theres no coming back from it. 

And I'm the only game in town.

I just want so bad to be left alone. 

[Psuedonym]

Whoo boy do I know that feeling alphaomega, 

I"m in a similar situation, and often I say to my BF 'why is she still alive??' My dad was an enabler but a very kind person, so of course he died...it's been my worst fear all my life.

I forgot that you worked for your M's company. Is that something you can change or get the ball rolling on? I'm telling you since I went NC (my BF still deals with her when necessary so I guess its mostly NC) I have felt infinitely better. Before I even discovered PDs I would think of her as a leech and a parasite, and then I'd think, what an odd description. But once I learned about PDs it made perfect sense. One thing that's helped me is to imagine that when you get shit like the "I GET SOOOOO EXHAUSTED.....AND I MISS YOUUUUUU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH" line, don't think that she's been sitting there all day feeling awful, she's been sitting there all day thinking up the optimal way to make YOU feel awful! True story. Less guilt, more: 

Mine is moving in to an AL facility on Monday. I said to the director, 'well at least she's have a ongoing topic of conversation telling the other residents what a monster I am' and she said, 'what do you think the rest of them sit around and talk all day about other than their horrible children?' Ha!

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm glad you've got *confirmation* that your heart is in great shape!

One less thing to worry about, you know?   

In all seriousness, please consider getting on the blower to the facility's social worker and telling that person the *facility* will have to arrange ALL transportation for your mom, to and from medical appointments. 

I'd let the social worker know she keeps calling you and demanding you take her to the ER, when she should be telling *the nurses or aides at the facility* of any problems she's having. 

They can assess her, in house, and may be able to treat any problems she's having, without a trip anywhere.  (They do have doctors on the staff, for that reason.)   

I'd also tell the social worker you're blocking her number, to save your sanity.

And your DH might want to consider blocking her, too - then just have all business-related material go back to her through her accountant or her attorney.   

There IS a way out of hell - you just have to reach out and turn the knob on the door and *allow* yourselves to be free  of her - and let the *facility* do their jobs.   

If you do see a blocked call from your mom, bleating about needing to go to the ER, or needing a ride to this doctor or that, call the *social worker* and tell that person about your mom's complaints - and let THEM handle it - while you stay home and delete her blocked calls.   

Your mom won't like it but *she's paying for that service, anyway!*  She might as well use it!

And leave you and your DH *out* of it.   

You *can* do this!  You're *strong enough* to do this!   

Every time I read posts like yours and Pseudonym's pre-NC posts, just reinforces I did the right thing in getting unNPD Ray the latest NoPhone Air.   

[Psuedonym]

...and every time a crisis happens I think 'what would WomanInterrupted do?' because you are now my spirit animal.

Sometimes, all you can do is try to find the humor in it, and in that vein, I was watching Family Guy last night because I'm intellectual like that. There was a throw away line in which Peter said that the  least popular Decepticon in the Transformers world was....Negatron (who always says 'what's the point, Optimus Prime beats us everytime). I looked at BF and said, from now on until the end of time, we're using Negatron, because It's hilarious. Try it out, it makes everything less serious. "Negatron called and wants us to to (fill in the blank with ridiculous requests)!"  Oh and here's the clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1n0SVjZ_d8

Hang in there!

[alphaomega]

I went to go see her yesterday.

Sundays at the (S)care Center.

Its a sad place, NPDM nothwithstanding.   I have always said that growing up and growing old are not for the faint of heart.

Well, old NPDM is on her utmost, absolute, very bestest of best behavior.  Because she wants the hell out of that "jail cell".

Meanwhile, as I'm wheeling her around, she is performing something fierce.

"Oh, theres my favorite CNA !  Oh, look, this is my daughter !  Oh, this nurse is the BEST.  And that cute little blond always brings me ANYTHING I want to eat".

This went on and on with just about every employee at the (S)care Center.   

So I turn it on her and say - wow Mom, looks like you are getting AMAZING care here !!

Her reply ?    "yeah, sometimes I suppose".

Lolololol  just couldnt keep that NPD monster in her cage could you.   

She has an agenada (of course) that now instead of moving bavk to her apt in independent living, she is wanting to move upstairs at the care center to "assisted LIVING"
Which are small 2 room apartments, little kitchenette, where they cook, wash, clean, do laundry, distribute meds, and check on them often. 

But - they have to be ambulatory to a degree.

And she just started walking again.

So shes working some angle and trying to strong arm the Director into getting her an apt upstairs.  But, the director isn't coming by to see her.

See, shes pulled this crap atleast 5 other times.  Where they find her a spot, and she decides to go back to independent living.

So lets just say, her gig is up.

This last VVVVVVLC is the longest I have protected MYSELF over dropping everything and running to her.  Never went to the hospital, didn't go to the care center for several weeks.  Just played it low and kept protecting myself over her. 

These feel like baby steps, but in reality, they are big huge steps to someone that has been enmeshed, infantilized and parentified my entire almost 50 years on this planet,

Thanks to you all who empower me with your stories and truthful explanations of your lives.

I cant begin to express how grateful I am for each of you.

We are gonna make it.

XO AO

[Psuedonym]

I swear we have the same mother. Mine used the jail cell reference too (maybe yours will use 'kennel' next like mine did) and then does the nauseating, attention getting, sweet to everyone, look at my daughter schtick. 

So is this just a ploy for attention with the AL people? She's probably better off there if she will get more care, but if she's doing it as a stunt then that's less than useless, isn't it.

Hang in there!