Getting rid of stuff from them

Started by Call Me Cordelia, March 15, 2019, 02:22:20 PM

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Call Me Cordelia

NC 1 year and counting, guaranteed that it's permanent. I've been wanting to get rid of anything and everything that came to me from my FOO. Most of it is not a problem. It's either already gone because it was junk to begin with, or I've only been holding onto it out of a sense of obligation. Some things though, are stuff I would want to replace. Hand-me-down furniture, for example. Also books that my mother wrote on the flyleaf Happy Birthday or whatever, or books from my childhood. DH says I'm being absurd, it would be a waste of money and it would be healthier to just learn to live with this stuff. Nothing is particularly nice or particularly horrible. To the casual observer nothing remarkable here at all. I'm not being sent into a panic attack, but I just don't like the idea of having anything at all from them. I want to make my parents completely irrelevant to my life, and that includes their stuff. Am I off base here? Gifts were always a big deal, like they would ask my kids if they have been playing with the such-and-such from them and it was definitely an obligation thing. I get the practicality argument, I'm not going to out and buy all new everything at once. But I want at least an intention of getting rid of it all. Is it in fact healthier to just drop the feeling of obligation without dropping all the actual stuff? Anybody else do this? Not do this? Thanks.

Starboard Song

The opposite of hate is indifference, so I've been told. So I get the argument: if we weren't scarred, or angry, or whatever, we'd be indifferent to the backstory of objects. That's true enough.

But right now, I wouldn't want to keep a recliner I got from my in-laws: I'd donate it. I recently was preparing for a camping trip and had to decide whether to keep a storage tin my MIL decorated, really good for a waterproof pack. I didn't toss it out that day, but did the next. I decided her memory would taint a beautiful day fishing.

There may come a time when I am indifferent. And it'll be a good day. It will be a better day. I can say that day that "I am healthier," and be proud of my growth.
But today is not that day.

Your DH has a point. But the point, I think, is this:
If you were "healthier" you'd be indifferent, and not feel the need to dispose of these objects.

I don't think the point should be cast this way:
Not disposing of objects, regardless of your feelings, is healthier.

Right now, you'd be happier without these objects. Period. There are photo albums or heirlooms whose loss you may come to regret, but otherwise, it is time to be happier: healthier will come.

I'd suggest making a plan for slowly, steadily sanitizing the house. Pace yourself. No rush. If there are objects that are in dispute between you and DH, move them further down the list. With any luck, indifference will catch up with the current need for closure.

Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

Associate of Daniel

On a practical level, may I suggest you box up as much of the stuff as you can and put it in the shed, or some other place you won't see it every day.

Time has a way of helping us to detach from objects. At a later date you may come accross them and realise you are then ready to dispose of them. Or you may wake up one day and realise that "today's the day". You'll feel strong enough to purposely confront the objects and dispose of them.

But, I also suggest you don't get rid of everything at once.

It's been just about 6 and a half years since my uNPD exH left and I still have days here and there when I feel the need to purge myself of him and his family.

Getting rid of stuff he/they gave me is a great way to meet that need. I didn't get rid of everything at once but I now don't have many of those objects left to purge and I could do with some!

AOD

D.Dan

I did find getting rid of the more triggering items helpful for my wellbeing. Emotional and mental.

I tossed broken items and donated what I didn't need.

I replaced some stuff (again triggering items) with cheap thrift store replacements or from kijiji/craigslist. There are also other online places that you can exchange, or trade for something else.

I found that it didn't NEED to be a new replacement, just different. Free from the triggers.

11JB68

I have a favorite recipethat uPDm had copied for me. She wrote in a note about an add in, one that I do use. I had to cross it out and rewrite it as i couldn't stand seeing her writing on it.
We have to do what we need to do to heal and feel more in control of our own lives.

treesgrowslowly

You are not off base, at all. But someone who didn't live your experience with your parents and FOO has no vote on this. DH needs to learn to support your recovery from what you experienced with your FOO. Being told you are wrong for how you feel in this case is so inconsiderate. It's your house and your health matters more than that stuff.

You're learning to live with yourself, not with the stuff.

We survivors of abusive FOO are learning to live for and with  ourselves. Some of us for the first time if our childhood was spent taking care of PD parents.

You gave your FOO your time and your heart and they didn't cherish it. Their objects don't need to be given space in your house.

Your boundaries are expressed in many ways and this is one way of expressing a boundary.

I toss anything that represents my FOO or in laws attempts at gaslighting.

DH would do well to learn about how recovery from FOO works. Theres a reason why we cherish a card from one person but toss the one sent to us by our local school trustee at Christmas. And there's nothing wrong with deciding which items get a space in your home.

betta fish

Hi,

I don't know if this idea would work, but how about painting old furniture or maybe give them a make over and change their purpose. Pinterest has great ideas.  Change cupboard door, paint them, Change a small table into a desk, cut the legs off a table and it becomes a coffee table....  now you can buy paint for mugs and refurbish them.  If you use your imagination, time and effort you may not see it as theirs, but as your own.

Hope this helps you or gets you started on how to change you gifts and pass me down as yours.

I get the ideas of wanting to throw everything out.  I had a big fruit plate, given to me bu uBPDm and everyday I saw it on my counter.  Then one day I, I got up, emptied the fruit on the counter and just smashed it and broke it into a million pieces. Then I cleaned up my mess, smiling as I was doing so. My DH just looked at me doing this and quietly asked "Are you OK?" and I said "I am Sooo much better now!".  I didn't end up throwing everything else out, just the constant reminder.  So go at it with a few items and change the rest.  Make the furniture feel like yours instead of theirs.
"Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman."
― Maya Angelou

blacksheep7

I believe it to be a natural process in healing.  We don't want to be reminded of them.

I got rid of some items also, removed all pictures of my parents that were visible.  Some items remained, why, I don't exactly know but they don't seem to bother me as much, do not trigger me.   

It was mostly NM crochet or knits that I got rid of, they were very personal and triggering to me.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

daughter

All most all the material gifts received from NBM and/or enNF were their own discards, often visibly worn or damaged household goods.  My parents are wealthy, generous to those they want to impress, and yet to me, their blatantly disfavored albeit dutiful SG daughter, consistently miserly in their doling-out of gifts and favors. (Not so for GC "princess" nsis, my only sibling, who's been showered by their indulgent gifts and singular privileges.). These "gifts" never reflected my tastes, nor my needs.  Much of it was junk or clutter. My enNF likes to scavenge other folks' abandoned stuff, seemingly unable to buy gifts. NBM likes to "message" via her pseudo gifts, to show her grace and favor, or in my case, her disdain and disfavor. Part of my Out of the FOG healing process was to donate or discard these many cast-off "gift" items, to realize I wasn't their de facto "Goodwill recycling center".  I suggest doing same.

Juniperberry

Craigslist is great for cheap furniture.  IMO, A few dollars on some new-to-you furniture is worth your peace of mind.  I fully agree that indifference is the sign of full recovery, but that path is long, and a nice new used sofa can be yours for $50 on Craigslist if you look hard in the meantime. 

Call Me Cordelia

Thank you everyone. There is a shaming element to what my DH says. I'm hearing once again my feelings are not important here. I don't think he's purposely putting me down, for the record, but as an ACON still somewhat Fogged too, I often question his perspective on these matters anyway. It's hard for him to recognize my pain because he's still not ready to deal with his own in many ways. So his reaction is his stuff, not mine.

I like what trees grow slowly said about learning to live with myself, not the stuff.  I am much more important. As a child of a two lines of borderline hoarders that really resonates with me.

I'm already a pretty good thrifter, so yes to putting one item on Craigslist and picking out a replacement.

And daughter, you absolutely nailed it about me being their personal Goodwill. So so much of what they've given me over the years is their stuff they no longer wanted. Some of it was actually junk, some they simply no longer had room for and we were young marrieds with college loans so hey one less thing I had to buy. Even the "gifts" that were not actual discards were not a reflection of my tastes or needs at all. The only time I can remember a gift given to me as an adult that actually showed some consideration for my taste, it was a much lower quality version of a distinctive item I already owned! Bragged about being bought on clearance and she didn't know I already had one! It just "looked like me." Um, yeah not really possible but thanks. And when they were given an item that they didn't want and I did, THAT was donated rather than go through the "bother" of waiting a few weeks for me to come get it.

I'm going to light some of that stuff on fire. Thanks!

I do have in a box all the "memory" stuff my parents gave me when I got married. I don't have a clear idea of what's in there so that just gets shoved in the attic. Never felt the desire to go through it. Maybe some day.

bloomie

Quote from: Call Me CordeliaI do have in a box all the "memory" stuff my parents gave me when I got married. I don't have a clear idea of what's in there so that just gets shoved in the attic. Never felt the desire to go through it. Maybe some day.

After a bit of time working through our safe space, our nest - clearing out physical reminders of many painful moments - we are finally to this level of cleansing out any toxic triggers from our home. Both DH and myself have found letters and legal documents that have been very hard to read and absorb the messages in them. I would say the "stuff" that we purged was cathartic to get out of our home and donate. A woosh of relief I still experience when I open cabinets that once held those things given with mixed and hurtful messages.

The very personal things that we have left to the last took the healing winds out of our sails for a bit and required some more grieving and processing, but also worth doing when the time is right ime. Others may not understand. Even those who have had a front row seat to the abuse and dysfunction. And... they don't have to understand, just say what they need to say and voice their practical concerns and then honor our need to do this.

My take is this is very personal and difficult work the deeper we get into it - this purging. Stay with it and cleanse your home as you are able and led to do. I have found a lot of healing in the process. :hug:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

AnneH

Here is my personal take on this (I have been NC for 3 years and NM passed away nearly a decade ago). I have kept the gifts they gave me and wear pieces from NM's jewelry collection which she insisted I take (even though uHPD sis and I were officially disinherited) daily. I also enjoy preparing her recipes and have a lot of her books and hand-written recipe cards. have gotten to the point of acknowledgment that, whether I like it or not, these people were part of my past and I lived with them for 18 years. Like many (but not all) of you, I also have good memories of NM even though they were not the majority. So I focus on what positive there was while using her things as well as past gifts from en F, en bro and uHPD sis. I find that this philosophy of remembering the good and not taking any more of the bad (hence the NC) strengthens my resolve to never go back. This is just how I deal with it.