I just had her served

[pushit]

I got confirmation about 90 minutes ago that they served her at work.  I know deep down it absolutely had to happen, but to be honest I feel pretty numb right now.  I've heard nothing from her.  I just know the process server said she refused to touch the papers and became defensive, claiming she already has a lawyer (which I seriously doubt).  Even after all her terrible behavior towards me lately it seems this still caught her completely off guard.  I just went to lunch by myself and walked around aimlessly for an hour after that.

I really had no choice based on her recent behavior, it came down to protecting myself.

In the last week she had:
- Tried to get the kids into therapy and exclude me from the process.  She got very angry when I spoke with the counselor (at the counselor's request).  I ended up signing the consent form for therapy, but the clinic decided not to continue with us (they advised we see a counselor that specializes in high conflict marriage).  She didn't believe me and thinks I thwarted her efforts.
- Yesterday she emptied our bank accounts, supposedly to do some home improvements that I wanted to discuss further
- Yesterday she filed her taxes (married filing separately) and took all of our kids as her own deductions.  I had no warning of this, and it will screw me to the tune of $5-$8,000.
- Last night she woke me at 3 AM to tell me about the taxes and taking the money.  I woke up because the lights were on and she was standing over me like Cathy Bates in the movie Misery.  Then she proceeded to go off on me, and warned me I'd better get on board with counseling for the kids.
- When I woke up at 6:00 I went upstairs (I sleep in the basement).  She confronted me and told me to go back downstairs so I wouldn't wake the kids.  Got in my face, wouldn't get out of my way so I could walk into the kitchen and make coffee, blocked my path several times.  Grabbed me by the arm multiple times and warned me that I'd better go back downstairs.  Eventually she left me alone after she realized she couldn't intimidate me.

Going back further, so much unhealthy behavior.  Trying to turn the kids against me and isolating me from them.  Locking me out of bank accounts.  Smear campaigns galore.  I couldn't believe anything she said anymore, it was nothing but lies and manipulation.  It goes on and on.

Mostly right now I guess I'm sad about what our kids will go through in the immediate future.  I'm sure things will eventually be fine, but it will be a long road and this will be really hard on them.  They get out of school in about an hour and will find out then.

It's going to be a tough weekend.  I'm going to stay in a hotel, after last night I can't fall asleep in that house again.  If you have any words of encouragement I could use them right now.

[Spygirl]

I am so so sorry.

When i left my stbxh hs, i was also numb. I cried constantly for a good week. Couldnt think straight. Was devastated. You feel like youre having an out of body experience.

However, you will be able to sleep better than you have in years the next few days. It was XMAS, so i was able to not be disturbed by him for a bit. I was still in FOG at the time, and hoping to get back together-but my little inside voice whispered"you can be free of this pain if you never go back, like others have".

Imo, SLEEP. Eat. Hide and mourn, its ok. Give yourself some room service, some comfort of a walk outside and breathe. Things improve a little every week. Ignore things said, and watch things done.

I have a hand on your shoulder. It will get better for you and your kids. Im glad you already have a lawyer to take the punches for you.

[Jumpy]

Pushit-

I've been thinking about you for a while, and will continue to do so. I think you are right that the immediate future will be tough, but things will eventually be fine.

I'm proud of you, and smiling to myself at your courage. Thanks for being you, and for sharing. Keep us posted.

[Whiteheron]

You will feel better. Once I filed and it was out in the open, I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Even though I was in constant turmoil and worrying about what stbx would do next (he was-is- fond of filing affidavits against me, letting the court know the infinitesimal ways he's been wronged by me ). I had people who had no idea what was going on, tell me I looked 'lighter'. I was shocked. I had no idea.

Take care of yourself and you will start to feel better. Take care of yourself and you will be better equipped to help the kids deal with both the divorce and the PD behaviors.

We are here for you

[Liftedfog]

It's okay to feel numb or sad.   You didn't sign up for any of this and it's one of the most painful things to go through.   I mourned it like a death.  A death of my dream of a loving spouse and happy family.   Be extra vigilant as she sounds unstable.   Try to never be alone with her.    She might spiral and make false accusations of abuse etc and involve police.   I've heard this happen to so many men.    Instead protect yourself from her.   And get advice from your lawyer.    You did the right thing by getting the ball moving.   I'm sorry for your pain.  You have great support here.   We know what you are going through. 

[hhaw]

Tell your kids that this is an adult problem, and the adults will solve it.  Everyone is going to be OK. Mom. Dad. The kids.

Let them know they aren't to worry about it.  They have their own jobs... school, chores, and figuring out what their passions are.

That's it.

Remember to document well.. However you can.   Consider hiring a good PI to help you document your wife's erratic, perhaps dangerous behavior.  She shouldn't put her hands on you.

Good luck,

[pushit]

Thank you all so much.  I'm too tired to respond to your posts individually but you all really touched me.  Seriously, THANK YOU.  I know it's OK to just sleep for awhile, re-gather myself and figure out what I'm doing tomorrow.  Step by Step.  One foot in front of the other.

The end result is today went really well.  All my worries about her grabbing the kids and running off to do some crazy thing didn't happen.  uPDw's mom came with her to pick the kids up from school, and they are at our house.

It was a tough afternoon.  My lawyer (almost) guaranteed me that my phone would light up when she got served.  Instead, it was the opposite.  Radio Silence.  I finally texted her a few hours later and wrote I'd like to tell the kids goodnight.  She replied that it was a good idea and they would call me.  I doubted that would happen, but lo and behold, at 6:30 my wife called me and it was my kids on the line.  A few questions from them about where I was, simple responses from me about how we love them and mom and dad need to talk, and some joking around with us all calling each other turkeys (our usual teasing joke) and we were all fine.  The weight of the world lifted off my shoulders because of that phone call.  Just glad to hear them laughing.

Lots of tough days ahead, but this is the first step towards a better life.  Step one Completed - Everyone is physically safe.  Tough day behind us, now let's move forward.

[Liftedfog]

So glad to hear all was calm.   I know the anxiety you speak of just wanting your kids to be okay.  And the relief you just want to cry happy tears.   Always put your kids first.  When faced when making the hardest decisions, do what is in their best interest.  It will help you get some peace in the turmoil.   Beware the calm before the storm with a pd.   Never let your guard down.  Wishing you calm waters ahead.  And if a storm happens just steer straight head never losing direction of your beautiful children. 

[pushit]

Beware the calm before the storm with a pd.   Never let your guard down.  Wishing you calm waters ahead.  And if a storm happens just steer straight head never losing direction of your beautiful children.

Yep, this is where I'm at now.  Yesterday went well, and things are calm for the moment.  Just waiting for the storm to hit.  I lived with her long enough to know her patterns, so I think I'll do fairly well in terms of not reacting.  The lawyer and I are on the same page, we agreed the only predictable thing is that she'll do something unpredictable.  Kids first.  If they're okay then all is okay.

[hhaw]

Remember to remain consistent regarding intentions.

PDs are good at getting you to represent yourself in erratic ways that get you dismissed by the courts and your L

PD might say...... if you drop the divorce NOW, I'll give you an uncontested divorce in a month, and so on.  Every time we meet a demand/request we typically undermine our positions, and confidence in what we say we want, IME.

Always speak about stbx with compassion, esp to the children.  Always stay focused on your goal... getting out of divorce court as quickly as you can.   

Put together all your evidence then build your case around it.
Don't talk about the PD things you can't prove.   Remember, the court wants everything to make sense, and square up.  Tell a version of your story people can understand.  People understand cheating, and abuse, and addiction... they don't understand PDs doing crazy things that sabotage their loved ones AND themselves.  It doesn't make sense for people to DO nonsensical things..... AND it makes us look unhinged when we tell stories like that (if we can't provide evidence it really happened.)

Don't allow the PD to bait you into situations she can turn into false allegations.  Consider recording all meetings IF you can do that legally in your State.

[pushit]

Thanks hhaw, I really appreciate your input.  You clearly have experience and knowledge to share.  All you said is duly noted!  Evidence - Most! Definitely!  I'm very fortunate to live in a one-party recording state.  Thursday night's 3 AM wake up, and 6 AM confrontation were recorded.  I listened to both last night, and there is no doubt who the abuser is.  The 6 AM recording = 8 minutes of her telling me to stay in the basement in a very mean tone, and me telling her no - I won't be a prisoner, please stop blocking me, I just want to make coffee, and get your hands off me.  The 3 AM recording = her waking me up and telling me she did a bunch of things behind my back, me asking how that is fair to me.

In fact, I've been recording every minute that I've been around the kids or stbx for the last six weeks.  I started doing that as soon as I knew in my gut I had to get out.  I also kept a journal every day of what happened.  I also have documentation of several large issues from the past four years, and some audio and video of this.  I have hours of audio gold in my pocket.  Her yelling at the kids, manipulating me, you name it.  The other fortunate thing for me is I'm in a no-fault, 50/50 state.  I've been told by every attorney I interviewed that it's hard to get courts to move from 50/50 unless there is hard proof of something.  She may accuse me of everything under the sun, but there's no proof because I'm not abusive.  I have the evidence to back myself up, and swing opinions the other way.

I'll end this on a good (if not confusing) note.  I have season tickets for the local college hockey team, tonight was the last game.  My oldest (D8) loves going to the games with me.  I texted stbx this morning and reminded her of the game, and set a time that I would like to pick up D8 to take her.  She responded a couple hours later that that sounded good, and D8 wanted to go.  I went to the house to pick D8 up, stayed outside the entire time.  Stbx was very kind, made sure the younger two (D6, S3) came out to see me and had all the items I requested from her packed in bags waiting at the door (misc toiletries, nothing big, but she even put some things in that I hadn't requested and it was thoughtful of her).  A very cordial exchange.  LOL, I'm still on high alert, and wondered if cops would be there to pin me to the ground!  D8 and I went to the game and had a blast.  We get along great, lots of sarcastic humor back and forth and a lot of her cuddling with me and resting her head on my arm.  It really made my day!

It also leads me to wonder about something - I know she is VERY concerned with public image.  Is it possible that now that things are in the public eye (other people involved, lawyers, courts and such) that she will be on good behavior and not cause too much damage?  Based on past behavior, she has always been an angel as soon as other people have a view into what's going on.  It makes me curious about whether she would do anything crazy like call CPS on me, claim child abuse, etc.  That sort of shatters her image of leading a perfect life, so I guess there is a possibility it may not happen.  Still a lot to be seen......I'm not getting my hopes up yet but based on the laws in my state and the fact that she has no evidence of anything on me (because it never happened) I just might have a good outcome.  Still preparing for the worst though!

[hhaw]

I'm familiar with PDs pretending to behave well, for a while.  I'm also familiar with their erratic, up and down behavior..... promises, followed by threats, and assaults.... stalking.  Breaking your sleep patterns.  Telling the children you don't want the family together, you're going to break it up, and that makes them so so so so sad, and they don't want the family to be broken up, they cry in front of the kids, and tell them things to wind them up, and make them angry at you. 

I don't have any experience with abusers who feel true remorse, do the right thing, divorce without conflict, and take care of the children as their priority.  I hope you keep the pressure up, and get the best possible outcome for you and your family.

Good luck,

[Whiteheron]

It also leads me to wonder about something - I know she is VERY concerned with public image.  Is it possible that now that things are in the public eye (other people involved, lawyers, courts and such) that she will be on good behavior and not cause too much damage?  Based on past behavior, she has always been an angel as soon as other people have a view into what's going on.  It makes me curious about whether she would do anything crazy like call CPS on me, claim child abuse, etc.  That sort of shatters her image of leading a perfect life, so I guess there is a possibility it may not happen.  Still a lot to be seen......I'm not getting my hopes up yet but based on the laws in my state and the fact that she has no evidence of anything on me (because it never happened) I just might have a good outcome.  Still preparing for the worst though!

My stbx is also very concerned with public image. As soon as I filed, he started ramping up "positive" behaviors and putting on a show for the court. He went from spending less than 5 minutes a night with the kids to hovering over them and following them around from room to room. My T likened this to an animal staking out its territory. He was on his best behavior - which was still dysfunctional. He declared he was going to be more involved and threatened to take over transporting the kids to their activities. There was no mistake about it - it was a clear threat, stated with his piercing glare, his other little 'tells,' and his deepest, firmest voice.  He demanded to do this on an alternating weekly schedule. The kids were terrified- DD said she would quit all of her activities if he did this. They did not (and still don't) want him taking them to their activities.

While appearing to be cordial and cooperative, behind the scenes he was smearing me to anyone who would listen. He alienated me from my in-laws, with whom I'd been close to for 20 years.

Then he started filing affidavits against me. They were filled with nothing but smears and accusations. (Oh, and pages upon pages of himself smiling with the kids - FOTY.) He accused me of being a poor mother, an overly controlling mother who wouldn't let them grow up and do things for themselves (project much?), he accused me of watching my then 13 year old son shower in the mornings, even though he was already at work when we were going through our morning routine. He accused me of alienating the kids when I would get upset that he was two hours late bringing them home without notifying me. He would claim alienation each and every time I disagreed with him in front of the kids. I lived with him under the same roof for a year after I filed, so he had a lot to use "against" me. He would provoke and when I responded, it would turn up in another affidavit. I think he filed 6 or 7 against me, with no proof of anything. He also claimed, to the court, that I was mentally unbalanced and had "wobbly thinking." With zero proof - and the entire family underwent a psych evaluation, the only red flags that popped up were in his eval. I'm perfectly certifiably sane.

For Discovery, he's submitted even more photographs of himself with the kids - desperately trying to show he's a great, involved, loving dad. Most of this is in his mind - if he has photos of the kids smiling, that means they were always happy and therefore there was no abuse and I'm the crazy one for saying there was.

He told me, and acted like, he wanted a cooperative divorce. That we would be in this together and work for what was best for the kids. What he really meant was that he wanted to cooperate with me through this process as long as I did what he wanted and as long as I followed his rules.

I guess my only advice would be to expect the unexpected. I never saw any of this coming.
Your documentation will be invaluable. Her true colors will come out once she realizes you have it - stbx found parts of my journal and now is trying to use it against me in court. He actually submitted it as evidence against me (and used parts of it in at least two of his affidavits as his 'evidence'). His true colors.

[hhaw]

One of the creepiest things my stbx did was beg for chances to prove he was trustworthy..... going to win me back, take me to Paris, and marry me again if I'd only..... (insert thing he needed me to do to weaken my case) and THEN he'd give me an uncontested divorce, and not destroy me.

Every little thing I gave in to cost me more than I could have imagined,  adding time, trouble, and expense.... just a terrible expansion of legal problems. 

There should be a plan, and a layer of protection between us and the PDs..... distance, emotional and physical.  I really hated being terrorized, slowly in a sweet voice at times, into weakening my case, when all I wanted to do was the opposite.

[1footouttadefog]

Quiyw often pd people will refuse to admit the relationship is over for them and instead they will ramp up abuse until the non ends the marriage.

Often the pd is relieved that the non has taken on the bad guy mantle of wanting divorse and they actually calm down.

I hope this is the case for you and that your pdh will allow things to proceed more smoothly now as she finds her way toward what was her plan for sometime now.

That she had taken the money and screwed you on the taxes before even being served is very telling.  My guess is you were stopped from coming upstairs to give someone or something time to happen.  Quite often the insta-fights are distractions or stalls to allow more time etc.

[pushit]

Hi all, just wanted to check in and let you know that the kids and I are doing fine.  I was able to spend yesterday afternoon and evening with them and we had a blast.  They wouldn't stop hugging me at the door when I dropped them off, which felt really good.  I think we'll be okay in the long run, just gotta get past a short term issue of her trying to keep the kids away from me.

Also wanted to let you all know that I'm going to stay quiet on here for a while.  I have no idea what's in store for me in the next year, or what she will try to pull.  It's probably best to stay discrete on public forums (even if they're anonymous) for a bit.

Thanks for all your support, and I'll keep checking in just won't be sharing much info.  I'll surely continue to read other peoples' stories and enter those discussions, as knowing I'm not alone helps retain my sanity! 

[Findingmyvoice]

Pushit,

Glad you were able to get out, this is what is best for you and your kids.
Things will get better slowly, you will start to feel more like yourself again.

The behavior you describe is similar to my exBPDw. 
When I left, the first weeks were scary, high adrenaline as exBPDw was desperate and out of control.
I felt much better right away, but the fatigue, anxiety and brain fog persisted for about 6 months.  I could sleep for 10 to 12 hours on the weekends, I couldn't drag out of bed in the morning.

Hhaw is right, don't give an inch if you don't have to.
In every situation that I have extended goodwill, exBPDw has turned it around and used it against me.
There is nothing to be gained from being kind or giving to these people.
They only take, they are entitled.

[KFel024]

Dear Pushit,

Am sorry to hear about your situation and well done for looking after the children. Cannot imagine what that must be like.

Will keep fingers crossed that divorce proceedings go as smoothly as possibly and that children are put in the best situation possible for a healthy upbringing.

Had mine served on 2/19/19, and am praying for a swift resolution. 

Good luck and take care.

[Latchkey]

pushit,

Things moved quite fast in your situation and so sorry. I think there are a lot of divorces that start between the holidays and tax time. 

....on the tax thing but you can protest it I think if you want- talk to your attorney or CPA. I know one year my now exH's exBPDW claimed a child she wasn't supposed to so we filed by mail and got the child back on our taxes and she got her taxes adjusted.

Take the time you need and we'll be here.
Latchkey

[pushit]

Hi all - Just checking in.  Things got crazy at the end of this week, but nothing to the level I feared.  Mainly baseless accusations that were out of left field and easily defended against.  But wow...   

The most important thing is the kids are doing okay.  Mom is keeping them from me as best as she can, but we're working on that.  My attorney has done a great job of being assertive so far.  The tough part right now is I'm in a hotel and she is in the marital house so I don't have suitable accommodations for kids (according to the law), thus giving her a temporary advantage.  Moving fast to fix that at the moment.  The good part is my kids are in good spirits, and seem to love every minute they have with me, so I am less worried about them and parental alienation in the long run than I was before.  Miles and miles to go though....

Just gonna keep moving.  Today, tomorrow and the next....

Best of luck to you all and stay strong!