Limited Contact: Disclosing abuse to non-abusive F

[DazedDandelion]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted on here in a while. I've moved across the country and no longer live with my parents, I'm almost done with my degree and will be able to get a job in a few months and fully support myself. I'm really looking forward to this.

But I don't want my PD M at my graduation, as of right now they are coming out to visit. I would like my Dad to come, but I do not want her there.  I'm debating telling my dad about her abuses, and I'm not sure if I should?

*Trigger Warning*
My pdM is emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, manipulative, and generally toxic to be around, but she also sexually assaulted me about 2 years ago, and a year ago I realized she sexually abused me throughout my childhood. I do not want her at my graduation.

I want to tell my father, he has no idea about about the sexual abuse, but I'm scared of causing a domino effect in their almost 35 year long marriage. I don't want to be the cause of my parents divorce. nor a severe decline in mental health on the part of my father or even my M. But I'm honestly horrified at the thought of her coming to visit for graduation. I feel extremely unsafe being around her, and this causes my mental health to spiral in the weeks leading up to see her.
*end Trigger*

Can anyone else relate or offer any words of support? Thanks so much

[Starboard Song]

That is simply terrible.

You have the right to feel safe. You have the right to be at peace. This is not the sort of thing that is likely to fade for you, so it may be something you have to address eventually.

I will let people with similar experience give advice.  I only have support to offer, and congratulations on your academic success.

[all4peace]

Vincent1889, it sounds like you have made some really big and healthy changes for you! That's wonderful! Congratulations on your hard work and upcoming graduation.

May I ask the general state of your relationship with your parents at this point? Have you talked about abuse in even a vague or general way? What kind of terms are you on with them at this moment?

I would also like to ask if you have access to trauma therapy. Some traumas are so deep and damaging to our psyches that they can really use the help of a professional for healing.

I also wonder how you feel about floating out a general statement of caution to your F like: "I'm not comfortable with M being at my ceremony. I wouldn't feel safe. If you want me to explain why, I can do so, but if you are unwilling to believe me at any point I will need to end the conversation."

There are pros and cons to speaking and staying silent. Have you tried asking yourself (body, mind, spirit) how each part of you feels about saying something? About saying nothing? And which feels like the better choice at this point in time?

I am so very sorry for all you have suffered, and for this really tough choice at a point in life that should be only 100% celebrated. I applaud you for having the courage and strength to face this head on. Please be aware that many spouses of abusers do not believe their adult children. Please just be prepared for this possibility. We believe you, but many spouses are quite invested in not believing their children and that can be traumatizing.

My best to you in this tough place.

ETA: Because it's relevant to this conversation, I will add that my uNBPDm was sexually inappropriate with me on repeated occasions throughout my childhood. I have never confronted her with this, nor have I told my F about it. I did share with my siblings for protection of their children, and I have now told her I will not accept hugs from her. I didn't explain why, just said I wasn't comfortable with that at this point in time.

[Twinkletoes88]

Hello,

Firstly I just want to say that I am so sorry you have had to go through that - it sounds horrific.  I have encountered sexual abuse too but not from my mother (from her boyfriend) and I know how much that has effected me so I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. 

Well done for moving out and doing all of that hard work - That is very impressive considering the trauma you've been dealing with too!!!

I just wanted to say that I spoke out about my abuse (9 years after the event however) and it really does have its pros and cons.  For me, telling my mother about it was clearly my hope that she would finally "see" how hurt I had been and how neglectful she was etc and that she would cry and apologise and suddenly love me.  I can tell you that DID NOT happen. What she did was make it allll about her.  How she couldn't sleep, eat, how she blamed herself (which I can tell you she doesn't and didn't - they were just words she used to get sympathy).  One day not long after I told her she accused me of making it all up and later still told me that everyone couldn't sit around feeling sorry for me for the rest of my life. 

It hurt me even more having told her and having no empathy or sympathy or apology etc. I often wish I had never told her.

BUT... I suppose in other ways I am glad I spoke out because it was eaten me up.  Holding onto this big, dark secret for so long.  It was a relief to speak the words despite her terrible reaction. 

Your situation is even more complicated because you run the risk that your Dad doesn't believe you and then sides with your mother and you lose him too.  It is an awful problem. 

Have you ever had therapy?  I have had 5 years now and it has been the most wonderful thing I've done.  Perhaps when you get your job it could be an option? i don't think you should rush this decision but I hear you have your graduation coming up - how long do you have?

Perhaps you should't give a reason for now? Just tell your Dad you do not want her there and that you would like him there, if he can deal with that??

[DazedDandelion]

Thanks everyone for your responses, i really appreciate them.

@Twinkletoes88: Thanks so much for your support and response. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I just want to say, your experience is valid, and its ok to take as long as you need to heal and have the support you deserve. Its really hard when the people we crave love and support from cannot or will not provide that for us.

There is a small part of me that of course wants that from my father, but I'm honestly not expecting it. A few years ago, I stopped believing him when he said he doesn't take sides when he got angry with me for maintaining my boundaries with mother and told me that her happiness was my responsibility because I was biologically related to her. It was really eye opening for me to see that side of him.

I'm honestly more worried about how I will potentially be completely ostracized from extended family, and worried about the emotional ramifications if they end up getting a divorce, or if he doesn't believe me and they refuse to respect my wishes and come to my graduation anyways. They know my address... and could in theory just show up at my door (though that would be out of character).

@all4peace: Thanks for your reply, and sharing about your story as well, I'm sending support your way. Also thank you for your suggestion on phrasing, that will be really helpful.

My relationship with my parents is very limited. I am somewhat financially dependent on them still, but have enough to support myself until I get a job in May or June.  I rarely call them. I did not visit them for the holidays this year, and its been over a year since I last saw them in person. (At that time, at then end of only 4 days, my M was breaching physical boundaries). My dad is not aware of the sexual abuse,  but he is aware of the emotional abuse and its impact. In November, I disclosed to him that I ended up in a psych hospital in large part due to the abuse by my M. He told her the next day, and they have avoided the conversation, acted like it was something that could easily be fixed, and pretend I never mentioned it. Lately he chooses to act like it was already fixed and solved.

I think I'm leaning towards telling my F, I'm really scared, but I don't want her in my life, period. It's reaching the point where I feel sick thinking about her meeting my advisors, friends, and peers. I have started over with my life in grad school, and I don't want her included in it. And if that means losing him, I'll be sad, but I'm ok with that. I will then just invest more time with my found family of artists and friends. I think telling him what happened and breaking the silence is the best way forward for me.

My biggest concern is if after telling him, they do not respect my wish, and still come out to visit. I don't know what to do for my own emotional safety. I will likely reach out to the support on my campus and ask if there are measures I could take if this becomes a possibility to help put my mind at ease.

Thanks again for all of your support.