The conversation is today

[Thomas5244]

I have spent the past week, dwelling, loathing, entrenched in the FOG.

I just can't do it anymore, it's starting to make me question myself, my values; self-esteem taking a hit in return.

I am going to offer her a choice, both lead to the same conclusion. We are separating.  I can either move out today or I can stay and help pave the way for the separation, helping with logistics, finances etc.

Her current behaviour has flipped between rescuer, victim and somewhere in between. It comes 2 years too late and is typical of her BPD phases.

I would appreciate perspective from people who have done this, got to the point of no return and survived to tell the tale.

[hhaw]

Make a plan, and stick with it.  Don't let the PD take you on a roller coaster ride you can avoid.

Your mental health is important. 

Trust your attorney.

Believe your PD when she shows you how she'll handle the divorce/separation. 

Don't stray from your plan once you've made it..... that's my advice.

[Whiteheron]

Best of luck to you.

Remember that their words are meaningless, watch her actions.

My stbx claimed to want an amicable, cooperative divorce. Here we are over two years later, with him salivating at the thought of getting me on the stand (he's pushing the divorce to trial).

I lived with him for a year before I was able to move out of the house. I don't recommend it. stbx used that time to gather 'evidence' against me, provoked me repeatedly, and made my life a living he!! I understand you want to help with logistics/financing, etc. In my case it was a trap. If you do stay, keep your guard up.

Have a solid plan and stick to it. I had to make lists to keep myself on track. It's too easy to become complacent.

[cant turn back]

If there are kids I'd recommend you don't leave until you have orders from the court for contact.  That being said, I stayed way too long, I lived in the home with my ExH and DD for a year before I finally left.  Like White Heron alluded, it was absolutely miserable, for all of us, and it gave my ExH a year to 'plan and prepare', inserting his involvement in DD's life where he had previously never really participated much.  Also, I'd say try and move the things you value most including pertinent documents and important family heirlooms now, before you have your discussion.  Even if after the talk you're still in the home?  EVERYTHING changes after the talk.
Trust and follow what your gut tells you.

[Thomas5244]

Thank you all

Well, we had the conversation on Saturday night and it was horrendous. I was really honest and stated clearly that I no longer feel anything towards this woman, as horrid as that sounds. 

I've had over 18 years of this and it's caused at least 2 nervous breakdowns, another of which I am living now. To add to this I am no feeling terribly guilty and questioning (her tears just have that effect). The kids are being told tomorrow and I plan on hanging around for a few weeks to make the transition easier for the children. Since she has no income I am having to do a lot of the planning on her behalf, just to try and ease this guilt but also ensure there is a stable base for the kids. FOG is such a good explanation of how I am feeling right now.

I have booked some time with a therapist on Friday. I need to pick myself up and learn to not rely on others for my happiness, having been downbeaten for so long.

I stand by my decision to end things, it's the right thing to do to for my own welfare and future happiness.  It just amazes me the influence these things have on ones values, purpose, worth and self-esteem.

[hhaw]

OK, a little advice about framing your divorce.....

when you speak about it to attorneys, and court officers keep it very short, and very simple to understand.

People understand cheating, and abuse, and falling out of love, but they don't understand mentally unstable PD behavior that has no cause, bc it really makes no sense.  IF YOU TALK ABOUT THE PD's unstable behaviors that you can't prove, people will begin asking you what you DID to MAKE her DO those things, and the conversation shifts focus to YOU.  You look like the unstable one, IME. 

What you want to happen is to shape your case around your evidence, any you have, and formulate a plan around child custody, and visitation that is in their best interest BASED on that evidence.  If the stbx is an OK mom, and you trust your kids are going to be fine with her, then you don't care so much about this.

If you know your kids are suffering, and being poisoned emotionally by her, and need something..... like a good therapist for themselves, custody with you, and supervised visitation for stbs bc she can't control herself, you need to provide evidence and show the court WHY that's a good idea.  Courts need to see documentation, and kids benefit when they have outside advocates like Expert witness Therapists, and friends who have witnessed abuse/PD behavior towards and around the kids.

Whatever you do, get your story straight, and tell it without expectation.  State your facts, have the evidence to back it up, and allow the listener to come to their own conclusions... don't tell them what they must do or think, in other words.

If they ask stupid questions, like.... what did you DO to MAKER the PD DO that?  Please view it as an opportunity to educate your audience, and speak like you're speaking to children.... it will slow you down, and keep you level... or at least help,  bc getting defensive never benefits us.  Raising our voices never benefits us. 

Also, get used to speaking about the stbx with compassion.  Everywhere, but maybe on this board, just make it a habit.  Even if it's difficult.... it will help your kids, and the courts understand, and failing to do so can get you punished in ways you won't see coming till they land on your head, IME.

You want a divorce, and the best possible situation for your children.  That's the mission.  You can't expect the courts to punish your stbx..... you can't expect justice, for surely it doesn't live in our justice system.  What you can expect is to be proactive, speak as though you'll support the best relationship between the kids and their mother, whatever that is, and remember to tell the kids that this is adult stuff....

not kid stuff to deal with. 

Adult stuff.

The parents will be OK... mom, and dad, and the kids can continue taking care of their jobs.... school, chores and sorting out their passions in the world. 

Things will be different, but OK, and everyone will be OK too.

Good luck,