After 3+ years NC, saw Nmother

[looloo]

I'd told myself that I would remain NC until she had a medical issue that would require me to be there (I'm her POA). Thursday p.m. it happened. 

It was a very long day and lots to handle, but her behavior was not a problem.  She is continuing to decline and requires additional care, so that is underway.  I felt myself beginning to soften, which isn't a bad thing-for example, after dealing with the hospital/health system and its limitations, I will no longer struggle and fight for eventually placing Nmother in a facility.  She can remain in her home as long as it is feasible.  It's actually a relief to let this just go—and hey, there are some practical/financial benefits to this arrangement anyway, so it is time to wave my white flag of surrender 

I need to keep my boundaries in place though.  No succumbing to pressure, either from myself or Nmother or caregivers or ANYONE, to be there physically any more than is necessary (I have the excuse of being several hours away), and no JADE-ing to anyone who doesn't get it.  And no being fooled by a temporary—or even permanent—loss of anger/snarkiness on Nmother's part.  Just because she might be acting pleasant doesn't mean I'm suddenly  "safe" from any toxicity and verbal abuse. 

My plan now is the same as before—no in person contact unless/until I have to be there in person for the next thing.  I think if I'm able to maintain my boundaries, then I can move forward in a healthy, compassionate way.  Fingers crossed 🤞

[Iguanagos]

This sounds really good, looloo. You're in a good, solid place as a result if your hard work.

I'm especially impressed that you are aware to not be fooled by any new kindness on her part. That's huge! I hear that that is a common problem with an elderly pwPD - that they can sometimes become "nice" for a while, really confusing us by giving a tiny crumb of the love we have been starved of for so long.

Your post was inspiring and encouraging for me.

[looloo]

Thanks, Iguanos!  I should probably update on how I'm feeling.  EXHAUSTED!!  So drained, and sore from being so tense for 24+ hours.  And a little freaked out about the increase in cost.  Nmother has savings and pension, but holy moly, it was a bit of sticker shock. 

[practical]

I'm not in the least surprised you feel totally exhausted. Navigating the health system, making decisions, AND maintaining your boundaries the whole time is Herculean work. I hope you are taking the day to coddle yourself.

You did awesome in these emergency circumstances, you were even able to sort out when something isn't worth the fight. You didn't forget to take care of yourself while taking care of her.  I hope you give yourself lots of credit for how you handled it all.

Hope you can settle back into your life soon.

[looloo]

Thanks, Practical 

I got back to my own life the past few days, and it was crisis free thank goodness.  H had a birthday celebration yesterday which was really nice, I got another good night's sleep, and feel more like my regular self now.

I still have a list of Nmother stuff to deal with, and later this week, H and I are making a trip to visit his mother (not nearly as bad as my mother, but it's still about 98% obligatory/2% pleasure,lol—but it's not all because of her, it's a multitude of reasons).

Hoping the next few weeks will level out a bit more.