When you actually get the inheritence...the last guilt trip?

Started by louisebt, March 16, 2019, 02:30:57 PM

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louisebt

So despite many threats to not get my mother's inheritence, she left pretty much everything to me. Which was a shocker to be honest. Those who remember me remember how she use to blackmail me about the house 'if you dare sell it to developers i will haunt you forever'.

Well, I dehoarded it. It was bloody hard work, expensive and triggering to go through 35 years of her dysfunctional relationship with stuff, whilst grieving for her and trying to get back to work after caring for her in that house.

Finally the house is clear. It's very weird. I walk round it, the only house I grew up in and was trapped with her for the first 18yrs of my life. And I am absulitely sure that auctioning it next month and paying off my own morgage and being financially secure is the best thing to do for my mental health and life.

But damn, she is haunting me like she said. I worked hard not to hear her voice in my head berating me any more, but there it is again about this. It's really getting under my skin at the moment.

I have the cash from the estate, and i'm planning on getting a campervan (an RV) with that.
I am going to scatter some of her ashes next weekend. I think this is just the next phase in a very complex, hard grieving process which i'm expecting to take years.

Various people who knew how horrendous our relationship was at times have said 'well at least you get the money'... which is kind of a weird thing to say. All the money in the world will never change what happened and how she was. But I know what the are getting at.
:stars:

practical

There is no way to make you whole again, money is seen as the closest thing to make up for damages (done already in the Bible and in the current legal system too). But yes, I sure as hell would have preferred real parents over any money, it isn't a substitute, it is a poor nothing.

Amazing that you actually managed to declutter that house without having a breakdown. A testament to your strength. The haunting gets less over time, at least it did for me.

As crazy as it might sound, have you considered doing some ritual? I think somebody on here burnt incense in their parents house to get rid of spirits, I think I might have hung a big wreath of garlic if I had had to deal with my parents house.

Sending you strength and peace as you go through the process of grieving. :bighug:

If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

WomanInterrupted

I felt the same way about the money - the financial security it brings is comforting, but in some ways, it's a cold comfort, because the money doesn't erase the past, and my memories.  It doesn't replace unBPD Didi or unNPD Ray, and put loving, stable parents in their places.

What I found triggering as hell was getting all the stuff out of unNPD Ray's house, and watching it go back through time, to my early childhood.  I kept hearing both unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray, roaring about touching their stuff, or getting rid of their PRICELESS "It Came From the 70's" furniture - and kept expecting to run into their angry selves, every time I turned a corner!   :aaauuugh:

I  *hated* being alone in that house.   I kept feeling like I was doing something *wrong* - when I wasn't. 

A *big* weight came off my shoulders the day the house closed and the new buyer - a flipper - took all the keys - and ownership.  I was FREE of the house and it was free of me.  :yahoo:

I did wish it well, before I left - I told the house it deserved a happy future, with people who didn't stuff it full of junk and bad memories.  :)

I think you might feel some relief once the house is gone and you never have to return, or even go down that street again, if you don't want to.

I haven't been down Didi and Ray's old street - I've driven by it, but won't go down it.  I know it sounds nuts, but I'm afraid that if I even drive past the house, I'll awaken some kind of malevolent spirit, like something out of a Stephen King novel!   :Monsta:

Just give yourself time to let things *really* sink in - it's over, except for offloading the house, and now you can work on repairing the damage in your head, hopefully without being triggered like crazy.

Another thing that helped me was seeing the online gallery of what the flipper had done to the house - the layout is still awful, but that dated look is long gone  - they expanded the bathroom and made it quite charming, and the kitchen is amazing!

Seriously amazing!  ;D

If the house  can have a new lease on life, so can I - and it was best we parted ways, to live separate destinies.  :yes:

Just give yourself the time to heal and process, and I think you'll eventually be somewhere closer to fine - or fine-ish.   8-)

:hug:

SmartyCat

Thanks for coming back with an update. I don't post here often, but have been thinking of you since your mother passed, wishing you well.

Dehoarding is such hard work - physically and emotionally. All those decades of unmade decisions, avoidance, and magical thinking.

"Woo" alert, but in case any of this is helpful: while dehoarding the house I grew up in so it could be sold, I did just about everything I could think of to break up the lingering inertia and dark feeling in that house. I pulled down the dusty old "privacy sheers" (OMG, someone might be able to see inside :stars:) and flung open all the windows to let the sunlight in. Clapping in the corners, singing at the top of my lungs, cranking up the music and dancing, running fans so the air would move, diffusing light citrusy essential oils in the air, nothing was too weird or silly to at least try. Once I felt like I could breathe freely in every room of the house, and no part of it felt like a prison anymore, I made one last tour with my inner child to bless each room, thank it for sheltering me, and say goodbye.

No amount of money can make up for what you have been through. The good news is, though your mother felt entitled to run your life from beyond the grave and threatened to do so - she can't. Not really. It may take a little while, but hopefully it will get easier once her final affairs are wrapped up and you're free of her belongings. I wish you all the best.  :bighug:

Zebrastriped

lousiebt, I too am going thru my parents' house of decades after my uBPDmom's death.   Hard, expensive, triggering, absolutely.  I'm glad to hear you will be financially secure after all your hard work.  I hope you find peace more swiftly and easier than you think right now.

Thanks for posting about the difficult dehoarding, as I've been doing that same thing for some time now.  Its like a hydra, that just doesn't quit.

louisebt

Doing some ritual sounds like a great idea, I never thought of that. There are a good few weeks until the auction and I'll definitely do that,  that will be very healing.

zebrastriped- you will get there, I know it seems like a hydra. One thing I had to get over was taking out of the house only what I wanted/needed, not what she valued and being ready to let the clearance company do what they were going to do. I don't know how much of the furniture went in the landfill, or they sold, and I just have to let that go. I was glad I sorted the smaller possessions myself though and used skips. I knew however hard it was it was part of my process I needed to go through.

A couple of times her friends came and tried to help. That was bad and I ended up dissociating/having more ptsd than when I did it on my own because the old 'got to hide her dysfunction/drinking/consequences of her behaviour' thing came flooding back. That's a very hard thing to try and explain to people- why you don't want help.

The getting rid of the curtains! Yes! she literally had curtains on the front downstairs and they were a visual representation of her mind state- open for ok, closed for bad mood/paranoid or drunk.  They are gone and everyone can see the clear space. At last...

hhaw

louisebt:

I hope you can find a way to reframe your mother's passing, the house, selling it and the rest of inheritance.

Your mother was broken, addicted, and had very poor ways of getting her needs met.  If she could have done better, she would have.  She just couldn't, and you deserved better.   I hope you can give yourself maternal care, and make peace with what you need to do with the house.

Whatever her motives for leaving you the house, and money, she did it.  I hope sunshine on clean floors, fresh air, and final goodbyes blow through it, and cleanse some of the darkness away.  Release it.  Let it go. 

Your mother doesn't care about the house anymore, yet her voice in your head is a part of you.  I get that. 

Sit with the voice.   Invite it to speak.... to have it's say.  Shift into observer mode, and listen, without judgement, simply paying attention.  The voice belongs, but no longer serves.  It's time to let it know it can rest, and be still.  You have new voices, and messages now, and they'll step up, and serve you now.  You can refile your mother's  voice.... there, but  no longer in the front, always needing to be heard.  It can recede, now.  It's struggle ended now. 

Let the new voice fill your head with massive compassion, good will and permissions for all you need to do.   

Breath.  Feel your feet on the ground, and know you're safe in the moments to come. 





hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

daughter

To me, this "house emptying, house-selling" process, where adult-children are compelled to clean-out their estranged pd-disordered parents' homes, is the last "do for me" herculean task imposed by our parents.  They don't want to address their bad behavior.  They don't want to address their clutter-hoard, or their multitude of possessions.  They don't want to address their estrangement from their children.  They sit in their homes, think they've a valuable "collection of stuff", and know we'll eventually get stuck "fixing it", again, for them.


My NBM and enNF are wealthy folks, but have always been miserly towards me, their SG dutiful daughter.  No logical reason for this blatant disfavor, imposed by NBM, enabled by enNF, just fact of my life.  I chose to be NC in my mid-50s, knowing I'd already been partially disowned (have one overtly favored GC "princess" nsis), knowing my parents considered me their eldercare plan, as their future nurse-housekeeper-driver-maid, knowing that all this was coming my way.  I was otherwise 99% meekly compliant with every expectation and demand, and yet showered with disdain and disrespect.  Perhaps I walked away from a sizable multi-million inheritance.  And disinheritance-related legal paperwork was mailed to my home on several occasions post-NC.  But I feel remaining enmeshed and compliant carried too high an emotional price, with only slight chance of ever in fact "inheriting", so I traded freedom for wealth.  It seems my children have also been disinherited.  DH and I plan our retirement without consideration of any inheritance from my parents, even while DH's parents, with only very modest household assets, have been completely transparent regarding their assets, their estate-plans, and their intention to leave everything equally split amongst their children.

illogical

Quote from: louisebt on March 17, 2019, 05:33:13 PM
...The getting rid of the curtains! Yes! she literally had curtains on the front downstairs and they were a visual representation of her mind state- open for ok, closed for bad mood/paranoid or drunk.  They are gone and everyone can see the clear space. At last...

Hallelujah!  So glad you are moving toward the light.  There really is no price on freedom, IMHO.  I sold my NM's house before I came Out of the FOG, and she had it closed in tighter than a drum!  One of the first things I did was rip those curtains off the windows and let some light in.  I even had a FM neighbor comment, afterwards, that she couldn't believe it was the same house.

This really is a new beginning for you, lousiebt.  You have stepped into the light and there is no going back.  Good luck to you on your journey.  I think you are on the road to freedom!   :yes:
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

spring13

louisebt, I'm sorry for the stress and pain you have been going through and I understand the power of your mother's voice in your head. I agree with others here that a ritual, letting in light, blessing the house, etc. is a wonderful way to try to add a positive light to everything that has been happening and hopefully help you begin to separate from it.

Whatever money your mother left you, obviously, will never be enough. It is annoying that people have said things to you like "at least you have the money" as it implies (by accident, I'm sure) that somehow that makes up for everything you have suffered over the years. Of course it doesn't, and I think our PD parents think it's some sort of treasure/privilege to be left with all their "precious" stuff. It's a final command, as Daughter says.

You are in charge. You can do with the house what you think is best for you. I think it's fantastic that you can pay off your mortgage and give yourself some peace of mind. Best wishes with the rest of this difficult process.

Starboard Song

Along with the cleansing ritual, may I suggest acquiring some small thing to leave as a gift for any buyer? It could be a small piece of art, or a mirror or a vase. Something that includes, or comes with a note, with a blessing for them and their lives in the house.

We left the buyers of our home a photo album with renovation and redecorating pictures we'd taken over the years, showing how the house and yard had changed. And also a few intimate family pictures, like our baby first entering the house, and his first steps. We included a request that they add their own great story and leave this behind for more and more joy to slowly fill its pages.

I felt I had abandoned less, and given more, because of that. It would be like forgiving the house for the part it played.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

Call Me Cordelia

Quote from: daughter on March 19, 2019, 09:09:04 AM
To me, this "house emptying, house-selling" process, where adult-children are compelled to clean-out their estranged pd-disordered parents' homes, is the last "do for me" herculean task imposed by our parents.  They don't want to address their bad behavior.  They don't want to address their clutter-hoard, or their multitude of possessions.  They don't want to address their estrangement from their children.  They sit in their homes, think they've a valuable "collection of stuff", and know we'll eventually get stuck "fixing it", again, for them.

:yeahthat:

This was my uNF's uNF. He was a hoarder in the extreme: Two-car garage full of boxes to the ceiling. Many of those boxes were boxes of "surprise items" he had bought at the auction for a couple of bucks. When he got home he added the box to the hoard without even looking inside. He wouldn't let anyone touch them. We heard over and over, and I quote:  "They may be worth something." "You can go through them after I'm dead."

There wasn't formal estrangement, but NO real relationships in that family. Visits with Grandpa were mostly spent trying to escape being forced to take home some crappy toy or weird thing from the auction, or avoid being force-fed stale food. Then he gave up on that and watched wrestling on TV while we tried to make small talk with Grandma about all her aches and pains and how badly Grandpa treated her. Then she would force-feed us the stale food and we could go home.

I'm seeing all of our stories here as how the pwpds try to keep us hooked: The promise of maybe, someday, receiving something worth having from them. For us that thing we really want is love. For the pwpds, the closest they can promise is money. Even on the rare occasions we actually get the inheritance, it doesn't even come close to filling the massive hole they left. It's up to us as adults to find the love we needed from them. Our real inheritance was squandered before we even came along.

spring13

QuoteOur real inheritance was squandered before we even came along.
:yeahthat:

Well said!