Have I been completely blinded/hypnotized? Is this divorce grade material?

[gainzville80]

Found this site after posting on Reddit. A user told me to head over here post up my scenario. I had no idea what BPD was until a few days ago so I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that my spouse may suffer from it. So here goes. Here is my current situation. Any advice I get I greatly appreciate!

I Left the house 2 weeks ago after I couldn't take it anymore. Been married for 14 years and wife was abusive (you can decide from below statements) and it pushed me to leaving. I'm now contemplating seeking legal guidance for my next steps if this is indeed way over and I have just been completely hypnotized and controlled to the point of where I don't know up from down anymore.... Here is a list of issues that I feel led me to leaving:

-Communication-

I could never criticize her during our arguments, she would always turn the situation around on me. Some arguments she would yell at me and throw things either at me or at the wall, even though I was completely silent. She would tell me that I've turned her into a person that she never wanted to be (angry, bitter, misrable etc.) She would also tell me that she resents me. I brought this point up to her a week ago and she denied ever saying that to me.... ummmmm well I definitely wouldn't just make this up because it HURT pretty bad when it was spoken to me, multiple times.

-Dependency Issues-

She definitely has some type of dependency disorder, she would need to be around me constantly. When I was home it was almost like being suffocated by her at all times. I couldn't go anywhere without her except like to the store from time to time and even then she would say "oh why do you want to go to the store alone?" and stuff like that. When I threatened to leave her last year she played the ultimate depency/guilt trip card of "I don't want to live anymore... What will I do without you? I don't have a job, insurance, where will I live?" I feel like a lot of her dependency issues stems from her insecurity with herself that she developed from her parents. Which brings me into the parenting issues.

-Stability Issues-

She is a stay at home mom who didn't have a college degree and never really tried to get it. I would encourage her all the time to go back to school and she never could follow through with that, so I would encourage her with her small business ventures and every time she ran into a difficult issue she would give up too. I feel like there is past childhood issues that keep her from overcoming difficult problems/issues that may arise.

-Parent Issues-

Her Dad never encouraged her with anything, made fun of her weight, made fun of her wanting to be an artist... Just an all around completely messed her up with emotional abuse.

Her Mom and Dad split when she was young and her Mom would do stuff that she should have lost the kids for, like locking herself in her room for hours on end. This in turn put pressure on my wife to fend for herself and to have to take care of her little sister (cook, clean, laundry etc...). Her mom was admitted into a mental hospital multiple times. Her sisters when younger tried committing suicide. She would cut herself.... I mean the list goes on with issues from her childhood....

-Religion Issues-

She had this problem with making money and it came from religion, specifically christianity. She felt like she could make money without having to give it all away because of what the bible had taught her. This was hard to deal with and I could never fully grasp what the issue was here... We both grew up in church and got married in church but w/out getting into too many details I am not religious at all anymore and she still wants to be and takes the kids to church. She would put this over my head too, saying that I should lead the family and be the religious leader.... But I'm not religious anymore and don't want anything to do with religion... So kinda hard to do...

-Control Issues-

She has to always been in control, doesn't matter the situation. Arguments, money (even though I made it all) etc... She would always ask to see my phone to see what I was doing and for many years I let her, not anymore...

-Other Issues-

I have been kicked out of my own house muliple times before. A few times from her finding pron on my phone and one time for not telling her that I was going to a bar with my childhood friend that I grew up with... Well, last year around this time she was going to kick me out again but I stood my ground and told her I was just going to leave for good. And thats when it all crumbled down for her. At that point she had no control over me and what I was going to do. She begged me to stay and said she would change. Well, like a fool I gave in to her. So fast forward a year and I have completely hit me emotional breaking point after 14 years of this.

-Family Issues-

She would constantly judge my family members, stating that their relationships were "fake" and that certain people in certain relationships were miserable. She would always tell me NOT to be like my Dad or follow after certain characteristics of my brothers...

-OCD Issues-

She would constantly clean the house. Like it had to be perfect... On the weekends she would constantly be cleaning, even though she had all week to clean too because she was a stay at home mom. I believe this stems from her father, he had OCD issues as well. She would constantly

-Friend Issues-

She would constantly put down our mutual friends. Didn't matter who it was, church friends or any other friends.. And it got to the point to where we didn't have many people to hang out with at all. She would also tell me how can you talk to certain people for hours and hardly talk to me? This made me feel bad and like I was the problem. But I know for sure that I'm an easy going person and can make friends easily so maybe she was jealous of that fact and would use it against me. Either way, we would have people ask us to hang out and she would constantly find reasons why we can't hang out with people and most of the reasons were just stupid issues that we could have easily looked past... So she would also tell me that she had no friends... I mean, hello? Why do you think that is? Because she pushed everyone away and judged everyone... She would constantly rag on me for hanging out with my friend groups. I have two, one for hockey on the weekends where I am gone for an hour and a half tops... and one for basketball where I would be gone for 2 hours on a weeknight... If I was any later than those times... all hell would break loose when I got home....

-Kid Issues-

For the most part she treats our kids pretty good. However there are times where she will raise her voice in front of them and yell at them. This is definitely not healthy. Like if she's arguing with my oldest about something (cleaning her room etc...) she will raise her voice and become very intimidating to her, not sure why she does this maybe its again an issue she experienced with her parents. She would tell me that her mom would yell at her and her sisters while on the way to church on sundays and then act like a complete saint at church.... So i can definitely see this type of behavior pattern continuing... She also says a lot of profanity in front of them... Like a lot... and its kinda embarrassing when it happens...

She would also get mad at my oldest daughter. My oldest daughter loves youtube social media etc... and wanted to start her own channel and what not. I remember my wife being completely degrading to her at times, telling her "your not going to make it, there's hundreds of other channels that do the same thing you want to do" and shit like that to her. And now that I write this out it completely KILLS me that she would say this to my oldest daughter. Regardless of whether she would "make it" or not, now that I think about it she is repeating patterns of destructive criticism that her father would tell her when she was young. My oldest daughter doesn't need to here that and at times can be somewhat obsessed with social media, but the fact that my wife criticizes this part of her identity is not healthy. She needs to encourage her in her passions not discourage her. Anyway, sorry I don't mean to rant but I guess its all starting to become clear as I write this out because I had my own youtube channel for years and actually was profitable, so I would encourage my daughter while my wife would not... And that is why I think I have a stronger connection with my oldest daughter because we have a lot of similarities.

My youngest daughter spends the most time with my wife, so she has caught on to my wife belittling me and constantly criticizing me. This in turn, has led to my youngest daughter following in the same patterns and verbally criticizing me. I caught on to this a couple months ago and it was a HUGE red flag for me when I noticed it... Like WTH??? this is definitely not normal....

So, as you can imagine those issues have led to BIG issues in our relationship that have not gone treated at all. So I left 2 weeks ago. And since then, she has been in therapy and says she wants to fix our relationship. At this point I just don't know. I feel like she is guilt tripping me for leaving by going into therapy. Like saying "See, I'm working here! I want this to work! YOU LEFT NOT ME!!". And so that's why I don't even think it will work with counseling/therapy. I've spent 14 years of my life with this. I got married super young, early 20's and my worldview and hers have completely split...

One last thing I will say and trust me there is much more that I will add later but the reason I left was obviously a lot of the above issues, I wanted to step out of the bubble so to speak and analyze the whole situation, I didn't say I wanted to divorce, but that I needed time to figure things out. Well my wife and I agreed to talk last sunday and so we talked a little and I said I wanted to see the kids. So I came home and it was kinda awkward obviously so I was just wanting to small talk with them and tell them I missed them and see how they were doing... Well we were all in the kitchen and after about 5-10 minutes I could tell my wife was looking irritated and finally said "Well why don't you man up and tell the kids you want a divorce!"

When this happened I was completely shocked. I didn't come over there to tell my kids I wanted to divorce. I was just there to see my kids and talk to them. So when she through out the bomb like that my oldest started crying and my youngest left the room. Then my wife went into the other room and started crying as well.

My big takeaway from this is that she has to be in CONTROL and GUILT TRIPPING. Even when she can't control me leaving, she is still trying to control what happens next in our relationship. The guilt tripping is now I look like the bad guy because according to her I want a divorce and that has cast a shadow over my relationship with my kids. I am not sure how I can rebound from this with my relationship with my kids but I contact my oldest daughter everyday and tell her I love her etc....

At this point I feel like I am in the middle of a tunnel, I hate bouncing from hotel to hotel so I went and looked at 2 apartments and a rental home a few days ago and man o man I must say that rental home felt awfully nice.... Money isn't an issue I can easily afford both payments (current home and rental). But I guess I feel like if I get a one year lease either on an apartment or a rental home that my wife is still going to think I'm all about the divorce.... Which, is an option but I think a separation and a long time away is what I am trying to achieve at this point to figure out what the hell my life has been like the past 14 years...

[divorcedfromnpd]

The short answer: yes.

I was in a similar situation to yours. I would encourage you to focus on building and maintaining a healthy relationship with your kids.

Your wife already showed you what she is going to do when you told you "Well why don't you man up and tell the kids you want a divorce!" in front of the kids.

She is likely to do everything in her power to punish you by destroying your relationship with your kids.

So if you decide to go for separation for now, make it a legal separation where you have clearly defined parenting time 50% of the time so you can keep your relationship intact with your kids.

[divorcedfromnpd]

I meant to say:

Your wife already showed you what she is going to do when she told you "Well why don't you man up and tell the kids you want a divorce!" in front of the kids.

[gainzville80]

Yeah that was completely devastating. I mean all I wanted to do is talk to them and she just threw out a bomb. And that type of "all or nothing" mentality with her is what I dealt with for years.

I mean I am still new to BPD but someone else I talked to said she is most likely to be a "high conflict person" (HCP) as well and that behavior completely proves it.

On a BPD scale where would you guys rate her at?

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. It sounds like you are in the midst of sorting out a lot of painful realities and trying to find the best way forward for your life, marriage, and family. I am glad you joined us.

We have a board for those who are separating and divorcing where you will find a group of supportive and savvy members who can weigh in and offer insights from their own experiences and it is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=8.0

We also have a board dedicated to Non PD Dads that would be a big support and it is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=33.0

On a BPD scale where would you guys rate her at?

You are right that disorders do exist on a continuum. We are a group of peers and lay people and none of us are in any way qualified to diagnose or predict how deep and longstanding these issues are with your wife or the possibility of her learning to manage her behaviors differently.

It might be a great help to you right now to find a good therapist that you can meet with face to face along with the support group here. There have to be many questions and things weighing heavily on your mind and heart right now that it would be good to have in real life, confidential, neutral 3rd party support while you navigate those things.

Keep coming back and sharing on the boards, reading through the toolbox, Personality Disorders info which contains a do/don't section for each trait that is familiar to you. Wisdom to you as you begin to figure things out and heal.

[gainzville80]

I completely understand. I am in the process of finding a good therapist who has experience with BPD/HCP people. I just need to find the right one, I don't want to "settle" for someone since this has a huge direct impact on my current relationships and how I will move forward.

Like I was saying before too, every day since I've been gone I seem to realize something else about my spouse that just didn't seem right. Yesterday was another one of those moments. I went home to grab a few things of mine just to find one of the rooms a complete mess and being "completely redone". I can't tell you how many times my spouse does this. Its like a 2-3 month pattern and then she has to completely redo a room in our house, and don't get me started on painting. I remember when it first started happening... years ago and thinking to myself this can't be normal behavior... And then yesterday it just hit me like a ton of bricks when I went into the house...

My question is what type of behavior is that a characteristic of? Bi Polar? I honestly have no idea...