Sending money to her grandchildren

[Rize]

Hey everyone, I posted in January about advice with (undiagnosed) Narcissistic Mother/going no contact etc.
After going no-contact with her at the end of January, she sent me an email basically saying she's cutting me off (totally fine with this), I haven't heard anything from her since.
Today, i heard something get pushed through the letterbox. i check, and there's two envelopes there addressed to my kids, and opening them, is a card each stuffed with spending money for a holiday we're going on this week. I don't want her money, I don't want to give it to my kids. I feel if they have it, it's like she's got a foot in through the door again. She's always been one to throw money around and buy people, she did it to me my whole life, and she's always done it to my kids.
My kids didn't see the envelopes and have no idea about this. I didnt see her at the door, but I went to the back of my house and she'd parked way at the end of the road and i watched her reverse her car right up to my garage and she had a good look at my house before spotting me and FLOORING it out the street.
Id send her the money back, but i have no idea of where she lives. I have no other relatives who I can give it to.
I feel freaked out, stressed, sick. We're going on our first family holiday tomorrow, and it feels tainted. It's like she's trying to leave her mark on it, like a dominating thing leaving her presence if that makes sense.
I don't knkw what to do. If anyone could help, I'd appreciate it.

[BunnyLover]

It's a bribe that you and your kids never asked for. I'd say put it away and if she doesn't ask for it back after the trip, throw it in the bank in "starter" savings accounts for the kids.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Document this, should you decide your NC needs to have legal enforcement. Take photos, write an accurate description of what happened. She is trespassing and stalking/harassing you. You may want to make a police report.

I assume your children are minors. If so No obligation to pass on the money to them. You could spend it on something you know your mother would disapprove of but is fine with you. Buy the kids new underwear. Whatever. I would not attempt to give it back as that would just fuel her fire. And break NC.

[Twinkletoes88]

God I'm sorry, they really have a way of popping up when you least expect it and ruining something.

I agree that you shouldn't try to return it, that will give her fuel and attention - they say no attention is bad attention.

Depending on the age of your children I wouldn't give it to them either. Do they know that you've gone NC? I know other people will have many different views than me on this, but for me she was the one who cut contact with you then it's her own damn fault she can't see YOUR children. I know there are different rules on grandparents' rights depending on where in the world you live, so maybe it's not as simple as that for you. I hope it is.

I know this is easy for me to say, but my T used to say things like "don't let her come in" (meaning to your head) and "she only has the power that you let her have". I know you can't jist pretend it never happened, and you're absolutely entitled to have your feelings about this but I really hope you can put it aside for tomorrow onwards and enjoy your first family holiday.

Personally I think she is just trying to get to you or see what you do - contact her to thank her or whatever. Ignore it.

Enjoy your holiday and I hope you are okay.

[Moxie890]

Gifts of any sort to kids are tough! At first it was very triggering for me anytime something would show up for my daughter. My strategy has been to donate whatever comes along, and it's been working so far. It's kind of nice knowing I am giving things we don't need (we don't need gifts from an abuser, especially when they are sent to manipulate and bait) to someone who will appreciate it.

[Starboard Song]

I would not attempt to give it back as that would just fuel her fire. And break NC.

I encourage you to donate, give away, redirect. But neither accept nor return anything.

Accepting gifts and returning them are both Contact, not No Contact. I've heard of people returning mail twice a week: they've become the forced servants of the PD desire to engage.

Your trip is not tainted. Enjoy it on your own dime, and deal with this when you get home with your lovely family.

[EnglishLady]

My Narc Mother does exactly the same thing with my adult daughter.  I am 100% convinced it is to show me in a bad light.  It's to make my Daughter think "look how lovely my gran is giving my money, why do you think so badly of her".  These words have actually been said to me.  Its so frustrating  .

It's a way of gaslighting the parents of their grandchildren ....like I said i'm absolutely convinced this is the thinking behind these particular acts of "generosity" .

[Danden]

As it is spending money for your kids on holiday, it is presumably a relatively small amount of money.  I would donate it to the local homeless shelter or some other worthy organization.  This way you can turn something that gives you bad feeling into something that gives you a good feeling.  If you include your kids on the donation (without telling them them the money was meant for them), you can feel like they are part of the "cleansing" process too.  Then go on your holiday and don't think about it again.

[Rize]

Thanks everyone for your advice. We're back off holiday now, never used her money. I chucked it in a safe place and still debating what to do with it (which charity lol (my kids are very much into eco/nature so I might give it to a charity like that)). I'd say that I was doing fine until this morning when I received an email from her simply asking if the kids enjoyed the holiday. I cant block her from email i didnt even open the email, I could read the message so she won't get a notification that I opened it if that makes sense. I sent it straight to junk without responding, but now I'm a bit... Frazzled. Last night I had a bit of a stress to my husband about the thought of her turnjng up with Easter Eggs (and a birthday gift for my youngest) within the next week, and today she contacts me! I'd say I'm psychic, but I guess she's just that predictable.
I completely believe that money was a bribe; her behaviour now proves it. She must think that because she tossed money at us and we 'accepted ' it, everything is now hunky dory and she emails like nothing has happened. I'm expecting her to now turn up at my home. I hate it, I'm dreading it, I feel like if I go out somewhere, anywhere, at least she won't find me and I won't have to deal with it. I know that's a victim mindset, and I'm escaping the problem.
Could I bother you all with some more advice?

[all4peace]

I can tell you what we did in the beginning. In our circumstance, we had stated boundaries with DH's next-door family, which were repeatedly violated. DH was stated as the only avenue of communication, which was also repeatedly violated. We adopted a very, very boring approach. Since we weren't NC, DH responded to all communication to him with bland responses, gifts were "thank you for the gift", and nothing "yielded" DH's parents any more contact than we had agreed to.

You could adopt a similar approach--no response at all. Agree within yourself how you intend to deal with the gifts, and then you don't have a fight-flight decision-making dynamic to deal with every time. This is NOT a proposal of what you should do--only you can decide that--but for us we simply do the same thing every time--gifts to DH and kids are acknowledged with "thank you", gifts to me are not acknowledged at all (I requested on gifts) and cards to all of us are burned shortly after receipt (to not have lingering upset in our home). Then we move on with our day. Any gifts to me (not acknowledged) are immediately disposed of or given away to someone else (if useful) or to charity.

I no longer worry or dread events since I already know how we're going to handle it. It takes almost all of the anxiety away. It's still not fun having contact we don't wish for, but at least we minimize the upset in our own home/family and we give nearly zero energy to the ILs for their efforts.

Good luck!

[Rize]

Thanks, for your reply. I read it not long after you posted it, but not been able to reply until now. Thanks for the advice, figuring out a strategy for dealing with gifts has helped, and it has taken some of the edge off.

[lexophile528]

i know I'm arriving late to this conversation, but thought I would lend my own two cents.

I'm in a bit of a different circumstance, as my mom lives in another state. I went NC with my parents just before the holidays and they didn't get the hint, so my mom signed my young daughter (almost 8 years old at the time) up for a subscription to a kids' craft box. I called the company and cancelled the subscription. When my dad sent me a scathing email as punishment for keeping their grandchild away from them, I ignored it and blocked his email address. my mom tried several times to send cards to my daughter after that, and each time, I wrote "Refused" on the envelope and stuck it right back into the mailbox unopened. According to the postal service, that means you don't want the mail and they return it to sender.

In this way, the only communication I had was with the deliverers of the correspondence. It still sent the message that I didn't want these items, but I didn't have to contact my parents at all.

In terms of my child's awareness of the situation, I told her from the beginning that I don;t see eye to eye with Nana and Pop. I told her that they love her very, very much and if she wants to reach out to them in the future when she's old enough, she can. I have been honest with her at every step of the way. When Nana sends her a card, I tell her, "Nana sent you a card. I know you understand that Nana and I aren't speaking to each other. I don't want her to have any contact with our family, so I sent the card back." I explain that I never want her to think I'm keeping things from her. She understands completely and respects the decision my husband and I have made to maintain no contact. I don't ever want my mother to be able to tell my daughter that I kept things from her out of spite. I don;t badmouth my mom in front of her, but I am completely transparent and honest with my daughter about what's going on.

In your situation, I would donate the money to a charity in your mom's name.  If they thank her for the donation, it would send the message that you don't want the money or any contact and you wouldn't have to talk to her at all. Depending on the ages of your kids, consider talking to them gently about the reason you and your mom aren't in touch. They might surprise you in their understanding of the circumstances.

[Rize]

Lexophile - thanks for your response. My eldest is eight, youngest is seven next week, and they're both very mature and switched on. I actually told them last night about the money; I'm expecting a police officer to come over tomorrow to take a statement as I've asked them for help with the harassment. Didn't anticipate it ending this way, but there you go.
I was totally straight with them - told them about the money, emails,  told them she's going to be sending money for Easter (not sure if I mentioned it on a previous post, but this week she emailed to tell me she's sending them Easter money and I'm to buy them eggs and she 'hopes I give it them'. she also took a photo of the envelope and added it as an attachment). I've not bad mouthed her. Tbh we hardly talk about her. Unfortunately when she is brought up, it's by one of my kids talking about her behaviour. They're still bothered by it.
Anyway, without me suggesting it, eight year old ASKED if she could give it to charity, and youngest got excited and agreed. So half is going to WWF and other half is going to a kids charity (they chose them themselves).
It's my youngests bday next week. so Im expecting ANOTHER 'gift' through the letter box. Instead if sending Easter &bday stuff altogethrr, she's undoubtedly spacing it out and doing it separately just for that extra bit of contact. Urgh.

[Rize]

Meant to put in that I told the kids because they're going to be home tomorrow when the officer comes over, so they'd hear it all anyway. didn't want them to get worried/get mixed up over bits of info that they've overheard