Feeling guilty after setting boundaries

[t666666]

Does anyone really struggle with guilt feelings after setting boundaries after separation?  This is especially hard for me as I had taken responsibility for my ex for years.  He's made a mess of everything and made some very bad life altering decisions and is constantly messaging putting it all on me.  How do you deal with this?

[Poison Ivy]

Yes, I've felt some guilt about drawing boundaries.  I remind myself that my ex-husband is an adult, he has not been declared incompetent, he did not like it when I made financial decisions for the family (e.g., "Yes, we DO have to pay taxes on your income!"), and he was willing to make decisions for the family that harmed me. 

[Starboard Song]

My issues weren't with a spouse, but with my in-laws. So I totally get it that my experience is different than yours.

But I do know the feelings of guilt and doubt. And I want to share with you my support. PD individuals put their loved ones and acquaintances to a hard choice: we either comply with their needs and demands or we attempt to maintain boundaries and explode the relationship. It is hard to thread between those, finding a course that maintains our own peace and dignity while also maintaining that veneer.

We couldn't, and I am often plagued with feelings of guilt.

I've come to realize something new, by turning this over and over in my hand to stare at it for three years. If I bumped into my in-laws -- as strangers -- at a restaurant, or at the store, they'd be kind and pleasant to me, and I to them. I do that daily with 20 to 50 people: strangers I see and say good day to, or for whom I hold a door or flash a smile.  But none of those 20 to 50 people are invited into my home. I trust them with daily kindness, but not with childcare or my heart. I hope that by my tone and style I might make each of those 20 to 50 strangers feel lighter and kinder as they pass. But I am not responsible for them, or beholden to them.

Getting from that stranger status to positions of greater trust require mutual compassion, fidelity, and respect.

We have endeavored to call no names and flash no anger with my in-laws. It is their duty and burden and cross, that they must find a way to demonstrate a capacity for compassion, fidelity, and respect.

Good luck to you. I wish you so much success in this hard place.