Telling me how loved they are

[P&K]

My updmil frequently makes a point to tell me about how much people love her whenever we visit. Ranges from my kids, family pets or the new friend of the month. Sometimes, she will announce to no one in particular or speak to a pet out loud asking what’s not to love. (I feel like telling them to not be so obvious with staring in my direction!)
To me, this looks like insecurity more than trying to rub my face in something. Are they trying to get me to agree or profess my admiration? It’s a bit sad they can’t acknowledge my value or any unprompted, genuine positive feelings but they will tirelessly try this out with me. When cornered, I give a decent, medium chill “oh that’s nice” or some variation of that and stop short of a rude “Good for you!” . 
Gah. Anyone experiencing this? Better suggestions for dealing with it or how to interpret this?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ohhhh my mother used to do this, pre-NC. She worked in childcare and would go on and on about how this or that child looooved her so much and cried when she wasn't in one day blah blah blah. I would just be like, "Uh-huh. Yeah, kids are sweet like that." Or at her other part-time minimum-wage gig she'd go on and on about how indispensable she was at work. 

Then her grandchild would get on the phone and she was obviously completely bored with him. Or I would invite them to visit (not far) and they'd be just too busy maybe next month.

I haven't wrapped my head around this one AT ALL. I mean, my kids are great, what's not to love?  But I was the devalued child, who are you in your FOO constellation? It seems common for SG children to have likewise SG grandchildren. I don't know what the point was of pointing out how much other people liked/valued her, because of their children I was always the nicest to the uNarents.

Whatever. Crazy people gonna crazy. You rock that grey rock. 

[JayBird]

I can definitely relate to this. I have an uNmil who, without fail, will always tell me about how admired she is when she is out in public. It's bizarre. I ask myself, how is this interesting conversation? MIL going on and on about how wonderful she is and the ample compliments she receives. I think she is fishing for me to add onto the "heap of compliments" by agreeing. I cannot even imagine same or similar words coming out of my mouth, such a shameless cry for attention (supply)

Gah is right! MIL 'apparently' receives a lot of compliments on her hair. She's 79 and has the hair of a 79 year old. 

I have also noticed that when uNmil attends one my kids events (sports game, music recital, etc) MIL is too focused on the crowd (not her grandchild) and she seems, IMO, "to be working the crowd" starting up conversations, trying to connect with the other adults. So much so that her back is turned to event and all her attention is on the crowd. WEIRD.   

[Whiteheron]

Kind of the same - my stbx doesn't go around saying how loved he is, but how "busy" and "needed" he is. Because, you know, no one else has the expertise he does, so he is constantly in demand. He needs to be needed.

So at kids' activities, he is constantly texting on his phone (even if it's just to his gf) or leaving early to make a call. Or he has a call coming in...because...needed. 

Most of his calls are irrelevant and could easily wait until the activity/event is over. But then no one would notice how busy and in demand he is.  I made the mistake of pointing this out once and I received an epic lecture on how I just didn't understand how work can't operate without his presence. For school events, he used to make me go to his work to pick him up, only to have to rush out of the school event early because he had to urgently get back to work. Which meant I had to miss the end of the event to get him back to work so he could rush to the rescue.  It got old really quick.

[StayWithMe]

I guess my input is a small tangent, but here goes ......

When I finally realised that a certain woman was playing flying monkey for my mother, I started demurring to her approaches.  She chided me and told me that she had better friends than me....... to which I told her, then she needed to divert her attention from me and put it on them.

This is a variation on the them of "I could do better....."

Could that be the subtle message that your family members are giving you?

[P&K]

Jaybird-

I think she is fishing for me to add onto the "heap of compliments" by agreeing. I cannot even imagine same or similar words coming out of my mouth, such a shameless cry for attention (supply)

I feel this is a big part of the matter in my personal situation.

Kind of the same - my stbx doesn't go around saying how loved he is, but how "busy" and "needed" he is. Because, you know, no one else has the expertise he does, so he is constantly in demand. He needs to be needed

This features heavily with updmil. It's more like no one can care for my kids or DH (her son) better than she can.  What ever would people do in their lives without her? It DEFINITELY gets old.

...would go on and on about how this or that child looooved her so much and cried..:I would just be like, "Uh-huh. Yeah, kids are sweet like that."

I'm stealing that one,it will work perfectly. Ends the subject and doesn't give her EXACTLY what she wants.

This is a variation on the them of "I could do better....."

Could that be the subtle message that your family members are giving you?

I hear what you're saying. This is a possibility but I get stronger vibes of either a) everyone loves me, why don't you? B) I'm so great, please validate this belief c) you don't see how awesome I am but everyone else does and I'm going to make sure you know that I'm better than you/ try to provoke you.
Maybe it's a way to imply she's better than I. 

I'm so glad to know you gently told her to put her attention elsewhere. 



Wouldn't it be great if people could invest their time and energy to show the positive behaviour instead? This tactic really makes me scratch my head some days. It must be a hard life to constantly try to get your needs met in deeply unhealthy ways and then not understand  the dismay and eventual rejection by others as a result. I don't really care what she believes any more, it's more managing myself around her since she isn't likely to change in the foreseeable future.

Thank you to those who have shared their experiences so far!