Gift hijacking and other controlling behaviour

[P&K]

Does anyone have stories about their pwpds jumping in on a big gift and turning it into something from the whole family? I’m talking like they saw an opportunity and just decided it was a group project.

My gifting experiences include the following;  everything from signing our names on gift tags for presents to others, (we aren’t aware of these gifts or even present for the delivery,sometimes we don’t even know the recipient) copying presents purchased for other family members or items purchased for myself(keeping up with the joneses?), buying add ons or accessories for a big ticket item we bought without consulting us and sometimes trying to buy an item out from under us and presenting it as a gift. Not the worst thing in the world but I feel icky even if DH does not. I don’t get it when one adult signs another adult’s name for them as if we were still their dependants. These practices have been greatly reduced over the last few years (more competitive gift giving at special occasions now) I don’t struggle emotionally over this unless it comes to my kids and that’s a rare issue thanks to good boundaries being placed from birth.

Would love to read your thoughts, stories and experiences! I wonder if others (especially those who don’t understand pds) see and think it’s as weird as I do or if it’s something that generally flies under the radar. 

[Thru the Rain]

Soon after marrying my brother, SIL wanted us to make a "group" Christmas present to my parents (her ILs). Turns out she wanted to pick out a gift and have the rest of us pay for it.

I declined to participate. She may have been upset, but seriously! I felt like she had a lot of nerve expecting to contribute no $$, but completely control the present.

Same brother and SIL have never acknowledged any gifts I sent to them or their kids, so I eventually just stopped.

[Catladypride]

So interesting to see someone bring this up.

When we were in our late 20s, my husband and I bought his en-Dad a thoughtful gift for a milestone birthday. He told his uNPDmother in conversation, and a few days later she contacted him to say THAT'S TOO MUCH MONEY FOR YOU TO SPEND, SO YOUR (adult) BROTHER WILL GO IN ON IT TOO.

This made me really uncomfortable.

If his brother had contacted us and asked about contributing to the gift, I'm sure we would have obliged. But it seemed like a power play by his mom to assume we would be fine with it, and to triangulate any communication about it between the siblings. (And characteristic of his brother's level of enmeshment to let his mom handle everything.)

Initially I had experienced them as "the perfect family" but I had gradually come to notice his mother's need to control everything and to keep everyone in the family confined to a specific role. I saw the birthday gift incident as a perfect example of her being actively overinvolved in her adult children's lives, and specifically and most significantly, of her refusing to recognize that my husband and I functioned as an autonomous unit.

Without being as well versed as we are now in the specialized language of personality disordered families, we used this occasion to communicate for the first time ever that we felt our boundaries had been violated and that his mother should expect to be less involved in his/our life going forwards.

And that marked the moment that I officially became a "bad influence" on their previously enmeshed and compliant son. Naturally.

Another peculiar aspect of his mom's gift giving that I never understood: She would remove not just the price tag but all tags from any gift she gave. If something didn't fit, we couldn't even exchange it without having to involve her. And then her response would typically be, JUST GIVE IT BACK TO ME AND I'LL EXCHANGE IT FOR SOMETHING ELSE. It sounds petty when I write it out, but it was so unlike how my family operated, where gifts were given with lots of love and the receipt, no strings attached.

[P&K]

Thru the Rain- wow! And it really is mind boggling that she thought this would go over perfectly...actions like this are what give me a reason to pause before confronting the pwpd.

Catladypride- YES! The dictatorship and control of those designated roles run rampant in my situation too. And if the pwpd can even manage a sliver of contribution, the conversation becomes about how the pwpd made it happen/we wouldn’t have done as well with out them. Once, they told someone who put on a holiday meal that it was only a success because of the coupon for a food item they found. And then wanted us heap on the praise and admiration.    I have an abundance of stories like this. Apparently a big event of mine went so well because of what a great planner pwpd is. (They only hung some decor the night before under my direction since the help was forced on me and left before clean up time) I didn’t even laugh in their face, just kind of looked at them funny and walked away.

I feel you about it seeming petty when we discuss it or write it down, but the pattern is just too consistent to ignore. It’s sad that gifts (which are usually a delightful, happy thing) become such a tricky thing to navigate. I too am a bad influence on DH depending on who you ask

[Hattie]

Yeah, my mum can be really controlling and weird about presents. For years, she bought presents on my behalf for my nephews and nieces at birthdays/xmas. I didn't ask her to,she just did it. I didn't like it as I really wanted to pick out my own presents for them. In the end,i set a really strong boundary with her about it.

She also used to show up at my house with several bags of second-hand clothes and household items every time she visited. I didn't like the stuff, didn't want it and told her so but she kept on bringing it.

I know what you mean, it can sound really petty to complain about this stuff, but I think it's indicative of deeper control issues.

[P&K]

Hattie- YES!  To me, it looks they are indirectly trying to prove something about us or themselves like a) they think we aren’t capable or responsible enough to pick a satisfactory gift or b) they are so superior in all decision making and what would people do without them. I suppose it’s another way to triangulate but there’s more to it. How long before your mom would mention that it was actually her finding/gifting those things and taking some of the shine away from you? I’d be a bit surprised if she didn’t based on what I’ve experienced in my own life.

My pwpd would also force bags of stuff we didn’t need, want or ask for onto us every visit.  I’ve concluded it fed a shopping/bargain hunting habit and they got to prove how helpful they are. You can guess the awkward conversation that came up when we reached our limit.

[JayBird]

Reading this post reminded me of so many odd encounters I have with my uNmil when gifts are involved.

Yes P&K  [/quote]I feel you about it seeming petty when we discuss it or write it down, but the pattern is just too consistent to ignore.

When my two children were babies and toddlers, I received several hand-knitted sweaters made by uNmil and some hand knitted hand-me-downs from SIL (also knitted by uNmil). When my kids reached school age, uNmil asked for the sweaters back. Silly me, I thought they were gifts for my girls!

There were no other babies or grandkids being born (not likely anytime soon). My guess for this "hey gimme back my gift" is that uNmil really viewed these baby sweaters as "works of precious art" or something? Her need for constant admiration is insatiable. Sadly, I have also been given several covert aggressive gifts from mother in law.

Long....term.....pattern.... of pd behavior

[BunnyLover]

Catladypride: as to your Mom's removing of all tags from clothing gifts - my "hoarder" mom used to do that too. Her reason was because the stuff was bought on final clearance, and often months or years before the birthday or holiday and then stored away until a present was required. Sometimes I'd get pressies from stores that had gone out of business a year or three ago. But then, that's a hoarder for you!

[Findingmyvoice]

exBPDw and her mother (hoarder) also do something similar.

For example, i was shopping and I needed a hat.  The hats were buy one, get one so I bought a hat for my son.
The next day she went out and bought him 3 or 4 hats. 
Recently I bought my daughters racing suits because they are competitive swimmers, the suits were on sale, they have wanted them for a few years and are starting to compete at a higher level.  When they told exBPDw she told them that she always buys them the best suits and i never buy their swim suits for them.  I think its an insecurity, the way that exBPDw's mother showed love was through buying things.

uPDMIL would just go to dollar store and buy 10 of everything for xmas, valentines, st patty's day, easter, etc, etc. to give to all of the grandkids, didn't matter age, sex etc. It's like she had no idea that a 13 year old girl might like something different than a 4 year old boy.  It would end up being shopping bags full of stuff for each kid.
There were also several situations where we would buy a gift, she would see that it was a nice gift then go and buy one for everyone, sometimes including the people that gifted it.  I'm not sure if its to show up the person that originally gave the gift? 
She would also try to "even things out". If we bought something nice for ourselves, she would buy the same thing for everyone else, it felt weird / icky and would make exBPDw furious.  More than once it ended in crying, screaming fights, demanding money to make things fair. (yes this is a 40 year old woman, not a child or adolescent).

So glad that's not part of my life anymore.

[SomethingElse]

its not uncommon. my mother used  to gift me things all the time to try to get me to do things for her. horrible, especially since I never wanted much. except for all the money back she syphoned from me...