He cheated so I must be punished

[New.life.at.50]

Dh cheated with a girl 16 yrs younger for a year. Promised the girl a future, til he tired of her and got another. Then I discovered it. He admits to torturing me mentally for 20 yrs and that he is a narcissist, and that he planned on stringing us both along for 5 yrs until my son graduated. So, then after discovery, he wants to reconcile. What? Then I discovered he advertised on Craigslist for gay sex and had it with strangers. So, now separated. He will not provide me with our tax info so I can get financial aid for community college. I have been a homeschool mom and have serious back issues that kept me from working. I am 50 yrs old, son is 14, daughter 21. No support at all for the 4 months since he left. I applied for over 50 jobs in our small town. Not qualified. Had to borrow $4000 from Mom who is on social security for a lawyer. Now that he said he doesn't think I should go to school, I will enjoy those classes even more this summer! I just hope I can do it from our home, which he is fighting for, as well as support and me paying his attorneys fees. He is either delusional or made up some wild story he intends to lie about but can't possibly have proof of since I never did anything wrong but run the entire household while he had his sexcapades. I have proof of all, including laptop history, his admissions in texts, a letter from his affair partner admitting everything, and him diverting his money. How long will it take to get in front of judge? Lawsuit stage now. Have to be separated a year before actual divorce in North Carolina. How do women afford to get divorced and defend themselves from evil husband's?

[Whiteheron]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

I hate to say, but it took me a few months to get in front of a judge...but nothing happened. The judge spoke to both of us and strongly advised we settle, which is impossible with my stbxuPDh. A new court date was scheduled for three months later...repeat ad nauseum. I filed in Feb 2017, we are still not divorced. Our next court date is in about a month. I think we've been to court 4 times already? I lost count.

I am lucky my state doesn't require separation prior to divorce, but we are also a no-fault state, so all of my 'proof' of stbx cheating is meaningless.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I am sorry you are in a rough spot.  If it is any help, my EXBF would make all kinds of wild claims as to what he would do if we broke up and what he was 'entitled' to.  He never followed thought on any of this threats when I finally asked him to move out.  Maybe because I did it in a kind of 'public' way and he wanted to try and salvage his perceived reputation?  He was soooo worried about what other people think that I think it worked to my advantage.

You have come to the right place to find your way Out of the FOG!

[New.life.at.50]

Ugh! How can judges do that? I have no support and child support on hold until custody is determined. Mortgage is way cheaper than rent here. NC is a no fault state also, but infidelity comes into play with Alimony and custody. Just seems so cruel for a judge to make us sell the house because my cheating NPD husband got caught cheating and soliciting sex on the laptop my son used for school and games. ( Also his work laptop and work phone).

[Liftedfog]

I am so sorry for your pain. I can't relate to the cheating spouse part but I can relate to your frustrations of our broken family law system.  And how one pd can bring a little family to financial ruins.   One that will be very hard to recover from. I'm 50 as well. Lost everything I acquired in my building years.   I can never get that back. I'm starting over at 50 with two small children and no child support. And he is making a claim I pay him spousal.   The best thing we can do is take care of ourselves so we can care for our kids.  Stay strong.

[New.life.at.50]

I am thinking he filed a lawsuit asking for everything because he thought I couldn't get money for a lawyer. So, we have a countersuit against him. Thank God my mom came thru with that $4000. She doesn't have much, not sure how she got it. Not sure it will take me too far in this lawsuit thing either. I just hope he ends up paying all attorney fees, so if he gets half the house, it's just enough to pay debts and attorney fees. I am seeking alimony for life so that is what he is really trying to avoid. That, and me having any happiness in what's left of my time on Earth.

[KFel024]

Am sorry to hear about your situation. On the plus side, please take solace in the facts that you were able to figure out what was going on and also that you are taking actions to get that person out of your life.

From an income earnings standpoint, do you have the ability to relocate you and your family to an area where you can secure a job? Relying on external parties for financial assistance could prove difficult in the long-term. Also, please keep in mind that winning settlements is one thing and collecting is another.

From a cheating standpoint, my heart goes out to you. Cannot imagine what that must be like when children are involved. Mine likely cheated on me throughout our entire relationship and I am struggling to make peace with it. Am nine weeks out NC and had a trigger about this topic during my last therapy session. Am crumbling while revisiting it.

Best of luck and take care.     

[hhaw]

How do women afford to get divorced and defend themselves from evil husband's?

Financial documents will be requested from both parties, and temporary support will be set to provide support for you.   At that point, it's a waiting game while you figure out how to remain level, and resist everything the PD is about to do in an effort to drive, and make you look crazy, which goes a long way in the legal system to muddy the waters, and create confusion.

The courts see cheating all the time.  They GET THAT.  Organize your proof by date, by e mails, etc.  If you put it into a notebook that's helpful, IME. 

Also, don't mark on any documents.  You'll need clean copies for court, bc court won't accept anything but clean copies.  You can mark on documents in the bright yellow highlighter, if you must mark at all.  That doesn't seem to copy, but make sure you try it out on something that's not important before using it. 

You'll need 3 clean copies of every document you present to the court as numbered exhibits.  You can have documents filed, and organized, and make the copies yourself to save on attorney's fees.   

What you want to avoid is talking about the crazy PD things your stbx DID to you, and might still be talking about.  If you can legally record conversations, that help your case, then consider it, but I find that complete silence with the PD is most helpful, bc PDs are used to pushing our boundaries, using our discomfort to gain our compliance, and the PD will be asking you to do things, maybe small things, that will be used to weaken your case, and strengthen his. 


In the meantime, your attorney will file for temporary support from your stbx. The sooner the better.  Documents required for this purpose are fairly straight forward.  Hopefully your PD isn't self employed, and willing to lie, cheat and steal to pound you into the dirt in every way.   That's harder to deal with, IME, than if the PD is employed, and there are records he can't fudge.

If it makes you feel better, I've talked to attorneys in NC, to see what they thought about things that happened to me in GA, and they were flabbergasted, and appalled that attorneys, judges, and the PDs got away with things they were doing there.

WHat I've seen of the NC courts was focused on finding solutions THAT DAY, with economy of motion.  The Judges I witnessed were serious, and interested in protecting abused spouses.  There was a separate room for abused spouses to wait before court, and an advocate was present, and helpful.... explaining what was going to happen, and what needed to be said or done.  For instance if you need a temporary order of protection you'll have to talk about specific things when asking the Judge for it.  Your story, while including the acts that are required to obtain that TRO. 

Your PD is trying to reconcile with you now.... but know this.... if you go back and forth.  If you flip and flop, you'll be portrayed as a woman who doesn't know her own mind, is unstable, and not serious or likely to follow through with the divorce.  That's a very weak place to go through divorce court with the kind of person you're divorcing, IME.

Stand your ground.  Put layers between you, and the PD.  Let the PD go through your attorney, who will lose patience with him, and likely take a distinct dislike to the PD AND begin feeling rather personal about the case.  Don't try to protect the attorney, or the PD.  Let them do what has to be done, and consistently, and accurately document everything so you can find it, and use it if necessary.

Controlling PDs can't stand to be thwarted, btw.  Yours will likely be calling and coming around, asking for time, and to speak to you, and maybe for you to drop the case, etc.  Just set your course and sail it.  One year to get to the point you can have your divorce, then likely a trial, bc PDs tend to be pathologically unable to settle anything, IME.

Go to school.  Meet new people.  Put on music you love.  Take baths with candles, and work on your toes, and feet.  Read.   Not just books on Ns and ASPDs but also about things you enjoy and love.  Give your nervous system down time... maybe meditate, and spend some alone time paying attention to your inner world, any heavy feelings, and where they live in your body.  Just notice them, without judgement, and see what they have to say, bc they have messages for you.

Your life will go on, despite what the PD does or says, so try to decide how that will be for yourself.  If you allow it, the PD will inflict himself on you in every way, to any degree he can mange, IME. 

He's a very small little man, who's been outed, and no longer has you, and his marriage to hide behind.  Everyone will see him for what he is.

This is important....

there will people who drink the stbx's kool aid, and they won't understand the facts.  Some do it bc they like chaos, or want to be IN with the stbx, or are jealous of you in some way, or just like watching other people's lives burn. 

Don't engage with these people.  It's demoralizing, and useless, and leaves one feeling frustrated, and heartbroken many times. 

Instead focus your attention on a small group of people who GET IT, and support you, and can understand what's going on in your life.  That may be one or 2  people only, or a few more.  I hope you have plenty of support from your family.  Your mother sounds on board, and that's huge.

Remember this is a marathon.   There will be good times, and bad times, and in between times.  If you're feeling really bad, do some work that can impact the problem positively.  Don't waste time worrying and wishing things were different, bc they are what they are, and that's wasted energy, IME.

Accept your stbx is a liar, and worse.  Accept he's broken, and undeserving of the marriage you thought you entered.  Maybe think of your husband as gone, bc he never existed at all.  Go ahead and mourn him, and the marriage, and get on with the steps you need to leave the stbx far behind.  Then leave.

He'll owe you support.  If you accept a lump sum, you don't have to pay taxes on that support, as I understand it.

If you depend on a monthly check, PD will likely jerk you around every month, or worse.  I think there are ways to take the payment out of their paycheck, and that's a great idea.

At this time you aren't seeking to appease the PD.  You're seeking to exert the court's authority over him, end up with an Agreement you can enforce through the courts, then put some emotional, and maybe physical distance between you.  Something to consider in the year you'll have leading up to court.

Expect the PD to push you to settle, or drop the divorce, or sleep with him, which might trigger a start over on that year, btw.  They DO things like that, so don't get fooled. 

Distance.   Don't have contact with the stbx if you can help it, and if you do, have someone there with you who can be a witness, and keep his foolishness to a minimum.

This won't make sense now, but in the back of your mind remember that PDs don't keep their word, in anything. IME.  When it's time to work on settlements......
and everyone will be pushing you to DO that.... have a list of things you must have, and be prepared to hold your ground.

Have another list of things you don't mind giving up, but pretend you do, so the PD can feel like he's taking things you care about from you.

Have a list of things you know he wants, to bargain for things you need.

Make sure you get the things you cherish and hide them.  The PD will likely begin leveraging those things soon, if he hasn't already.   Pictures, art, things your children made, family heirlooms, etc.

If you have any money in accounts, make sure he can't get to it.

He has to produce financial documents, and your attorney might have to force him to, but he has to do that.  Don't feel helpless, bc you have an attorney.  Don't feel as this will never be over, bc it will.  Don't lose hope, bc there are lovely moments in every day you can catch and enjoy if you're paying attention to here and now.

The saying...

Keep your head where your feet are, is a good one.


Don't worry too much about tomorrow, and don't fret about yesterday.... it's not a good use of your energy, my dear.

You have power, and you can choose to use it to impact your situation in a positive way, which is the best possible option, IME.
Have friends or family to talk to, and keep you centered... get your feet back on the ground..... bc there will be bad days.  The PD will make sure to manufacture chaos enough for everyone, so expect it, don't let it surprise you, bc THIS IS WHAT PDs DO.

Assess your situation
Accept it
ACT

AAAs are your friend. 

I'm sorry to write this, but it's necessary I think.

From here on out, in this process, there aren't any GOOD choices.  There are bad choices, and choices that mitigate damage.  The PD might be the kind who blows up his own life to destroy yours.  What does your gut tell you about that? 

Going forward you want OUT OF DIVORCE COURT.... and through the exit door as quickly as possible.  I've outlined ways you can sabotage yourself.... don't do that if you can help it.

Stay focused.  Don't let the PD take you down silly rabbit holes.... he'll accuse you of doing stupid and insane things, but he won't be able to prove them, so don't let hid accusations make you spin, so he can point at it now.  Be calm.  Don't yell, or make faces even. 

Your calm will upset the PD likely too, so think about having a little recorder, if it's legal in NC, and figure out how to use it with your eyes closed, upside down, and in the dark... They can be tricky, esp when you're upset... the screech when too close to your phone.  Think about all the things your PD has said to you..... think about a Judge hearing that.   Sometimes the PD can tell a Judge what the truth is better than any evidence we could provide.

And remember... the court will be mainly focused on dividing assets, and support.  They won't be interested in a bunch of silliness the PD drums up EXCEPT THE PD WILL BE ACCUSING YOU OF THINGS THAT ARE EMOTIONALLY CHARGED, likely.

Things to get people on his side, and there may be a person or two who go to his side. 

Remember... he can fool some of the people some of the time, but he'll never get everyone to believe him, ever, unless you're helping him.  Take heart.  Know your facts, and proof will win the day in court, and know the PD might drag things out to starve you out.... that's a common tactic.

If your PD agrees to something in a settlement hearing HAVE THAT WRITTEN OUT BY HAND, AND SIGNED BY EVERYONE IN THE ROOM RIGHT THEN AND THERE.  The attorneys will want to go to their offices, and "craft" an agreement, which could take weeks and thousands of dollars to "craft" so just hand write it, sign it, file and get it stamped right there, that day, and don't budge on that one.

OK, one last thing....
please remember to speak about your stbx with compassion, always.

When you're talking about your case, present facts without expectation for what the listener will do or feel.   You must allow your listeners to come to their own conclusions.  Speaking this way will help you.  Keeping your answers short, and giving the high points... as they say... the burger, without the bun, condiments, or veggies.  Just the bun.  Short, and sweet.

It's difficult not to go down rabbit holes, and prattle on when we're remembering the abuse, and years of gaslighting we've suffered.  Get that under control now..... the theory of your case is based on your evidence.  You will put the abuse you can't prove OUT OF YOUR HEAD, and not bring it up, or include it, bc it will make you appear unhinged if you can't back it up.

When the PD makes empty accusations, or sends people around to say things that upset you, or accuse you.... limit contact, then go no contact with them, and him.  Don't let it bother you, bc IT'S WHAT PDs DO. 

Everytime they shock us, or rock us back on our heels, bc we can't wrap our minds around what's happening to us, it weakens us.  Just accept your PD is a very bad man, capable of very bad things, and adjust your expectations.

I found it difficult to do bc the husband is supposed to be the protector of the family.... the defender, and that's how society WANTS to see them.  Your PD may make noises about wanting to BE a good husband.... you aren't giving him a chance.... he wants the family together,  blah blah blah, but you aren't a bad person for filing for divorce from a cheater who told you he's conned you your entire marriage, and tormented you for years. 

He's TOLD YOU WHO HE IS.

Please please please, believe him, and guard yourself accordingly. Without fail.   Without hesitation.  Make a good plan, and stick with it.  Don't veer off sharply in any direction. 

A year goes by fast. 

Try to give yourself goals for a year, two years, five years, etc.  Make lists, and keep a journal.  Writing things down can be very helpful, IME.

Remember...  even if it's not OK.... it's OK.