Are Narcs Bad Kissers?

[Satya]

I was a virgin in every sense of the word when I met my stbxh.
When we were dating, I thought the physical intimacy was great. I couldn't get enough.

Then after we were married, he used sex and other forms of physical affection as tools for manipulation. He knew what I liked and would intentionally withhold it, then use it when he wanted to get something out of me. And he'd also coerce me into sex when I didn't want it.

As you can imagine, a lot of our encounters were awful. I know in my head that this wasn't my fault.

But there are still times when I wonder if maybe it was me. Maybe I was bad at sex or bad at kissing. Because sometimes the experiences were baaaaaaad.

He chipped my tooth when we were kissing once lol.

This has been on my mind a lot. If any of you would care to share your experiences, I would be so grateful. I've been feeling really alone in this.

[Starboard Song]

Plenty of members will have had great intimacy with a narcissistic person: more than a few will say it was their wild passion and free sexuality that brought them together. Others will certainly have experienced toxic interactions in intimacy, consistent with a general toxicity.

I suspect bad kissing will never be included, though, in the DSM.

Then after we were married, he used sex and other forms of physical affection as tools for manipulation. He knew what I liked and would intentionally withhold it, then use it when he wanted to get something out of me. And he'd also coerce me into sex when I didn't want it.

That paragraph makes it very clear that this was not about you. This was about him mistreating you. He withheld affection. He manipulated you. This is unhealthy and wrong. You were not being unhealthy and wrong.  You have nothing to worry about.

[Spygirl]

Lol
For the record, my stbxh was a terrible kisser. He kissed like a jr. High boy. At the time, this was one of many passes i gave him for treating me exceptionally well while we dated.

[Satya]

Lol
For the record, my stbxh was a terrible kisser. He kissed like a jr. High boy. At the time, this was one of many passes i gave him for treating me exceptionally well while we dated.

Like a junior high boy HAHA!
Thanks for sharing Spygirl!

[Satya]

Thank you Starboard Song!
I feel like I know this is true logically but part of me still feels like things are my fault. It helps talking to others with similar experiences.

[KFel024]

From my end, mine was a great kisser but rarely felt the need to put it on display. This is something I always felt was lacking. After the love bombing phase, passionate kisses were few and far between. The few times it did happen I would get pretty excited because intimacy was important to me. However, those times were usually in the shower and the kissing was coupled with her urinating on my leg. Cannot remember the last time we had a good standalone kissing session with no strings attached. 

[Whiteheron]

No good kissing, no intimacy, whatsoever. I mistook his initial passion and desire for intimacy. I was so young, I had no idea. I was there to fulfill a need. Towards the end it was painfully obvious that it was all about him.

[Satya]

No good kissing, no intimacy, whatsoever. I mistook his initial passion and desire for intimacy. I was so young, I had no idea. I was there to fulfill a need. Towards the end it was painfully obvious that it was all about him.

This sounds so familiar. I'm sorry you had to go through this too

[Satya]

From my end, mine was a great kisser but rarely felt the need to put it on display. This is something I always felt was lacking. After the love bombing phase, passionate kisses were few and far between. The few times it did happen I would get pretty excited because intimacy was important to me. However, those times were usually in the shower and the kissing was coupled with her urinating on my leg. Cannot remember the last time we had a good standalone kissing session with no strings attached.

Omg yes it's almost like it's an intermittent reinforcement thing. Keeps us addicted in a way. We keep holding out for the good stuff.

Sorry you had to go through this.

[Kat54]

Mine, Felt like I was kissing a corpse, stiff and cold.  And sex... well I began to wonder if he was gay. Still not sure. Our daughter one night at dinner out of the blue asked him if he was gay!  Boy, the crickets were chirping, he didn't say one word and continued eating his dinner.  Looking back, it never felt right.

[notrightinthehead]

Mine was an awful kisser. Everything was about him. In every aspect of life.

[Satya]

Mine, Felt like I was kissing a corpse, stiff and cold.  And sex... well I began to wonder if he was gay. Still not sure. Our daughter one night at dinner out of the blue asked him if he was gay!  Boy, the crickets were chirping, he didn't say one word and continued eating his dinner.  Looking back, it never felt right.

There were times I wondered the same thing! He would turn me down so much. Crazy how we see all these red flags and still doubt ourselves.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Satya,

You are definitely not alone. The withholding intimacy thing is one of the many forms of abuse they use.

My narcissistic ex'es were all selfish. Having been raised with PD's my relationships were all with narcissists, and so that selfishness (which extended into the bedroom) was all I knew as well.

It wasn't until I underwent several years of therapy and then looked for another relationship, with a nice man who was not a narcissist. I found out what non selfish intimacy is like, and it is a LOT better than narcissistic, selfish stuff. So yes, this is my long winded way of agreeing with you - I think they are bad kissers, and bad at the other 'arts of love'. The arts of love tend to work better when there is truly mutual love, rather than one person being giving, and the other person being selfish and more in love with their own reflection.

[atticusfinch]

The dynamics with PD partners can be really interesting! My PD ex was the only person I'd been with too, so I had nothing to compare to. In retrospect, I was a sort of dummy/stand-in and not a separate person to him, so when he was wanting to feel great about himself he could be energetic, etc (which could be good, but it was all about him deep down, and yes, he would try to force things if I said no, or ignore my no's like I'd never said them).

The first time, post-marriage, that I had a sort of sexual experience with someone else, I nearly cried. He kept asking me if I was okay, how I was doing, was I really okay with doing this, etc. I had NEVER experienced that in my marriage. It was also enlightening to see what it could be like from an emotional perspective-- that it could be about emotionally connecting with someone rather than just me feeling like a living object.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Satya,
Just some more thoughts...

Then after we were married, he used sex and other forms of physical affection as tools for manipulation. He knew what I liked and would intentionally withhold it, then use it when he wanted to get something out of me. And he’d also coerce me into sex when I didn’t want it.

This is really NOT okay. The withholding intimacy is one of the many forms of emotional abuse. I was in a relationship with a ASPD/sociopath, and he withheld intimacy ALL the time. I later found out that he was off with other men! This REALLY knocked my confidence, which was completely deliberate. He also used to criticize my appearance. After that horribly emotionally abusive and sexual intimacy free relationship with the had a very passionate relationship with a with a very kind man - he couldn't keep his hands off me. He was also 10 years younger and very energetic... LOL! * Anyway, I hope this is not TMI or inappropriate!

I just wanted to remind you that there are other, non narcissistic fish in the sea, and I suspect you have a bit to look forward to.

I guarantee, there will be someone out there that will make you look back on your current relationship and chuckle...

The coercing you into sex when you don't want it is abuse. Consent means you want to have sex. 'Giving in' or being manipulated into something isn't consent. It is as simple as that. I'm so sorry you have had this experience, you are certainly not alone.

As you can imagine, a lot of our encounters were awful. I know in my head that this wasn’t my fault.

But there are still times when I wonder if maybe it was me. Maybe I was bad at sex or bad at kissing. Because sometimes the experiences were baaaaaaad.

I'm so sorry to hear that this knocked your confidence so much. I can so relate! I bet it wasn't you... the selfishness inherent in narcissism really does translate to bad romantic skillls. I read a book called 'Hot Sex' by an Australian sex therapist that kind of expanded my knowledge and built my confidence a bit, you might be interested in reading something like that. I find that doing things like dressing up, going to dance classes while I was healing and not ready for a relationship was helpful to my sense of my own attractiveness, even though I wasn't yet ready for relationships.

I also found that the number one thing that helped me is that I threw myself into therapy, reading all the books I could, meditation. I took a year off relationships (and I really didn't feel like being in one after my final abusive relationship). That was what unabled me to change inside and stop accepting narcissistic behaviour.

Best wishes!

* Also I am not saying that older gentlemen can't be good lovers! I think the main thing is communication, mutual affection