Here I go again!

[Whiteheron]

So...DD had a T appointment last week. Before each appointment she asks me what I'm going to bring up in front of her T. I reminded her that I'd previously called her T about the medications stbx left out for the kids to find and that maybe we should talk about school since report cards had just come out. DD immediately asked me if her dad was going to get into trouble for leaving his medicines out. I thought for a minute and said "no, I don't think so" (because no one except me seems to GAF about any of this). Then I told her "there are things your dad's not supposed to..." then I corrected myself and said "there are things your dad shouldn't do, such as leaving his medicine out in the open, but there's no one I can think of who's going to punish him for leaving them out". I told her I wasn't sure who would even be the one to punish him. She seemed ok with that, but I was left thinking - oh great, now someone's going to actually do something about it and DD's going to be upset with me...

So we get to her T session, I have ten minutes or so to talk with DD and the T together about what's been going on - I bring up the meds and also the not stellar report card. stbx had the kids when the report cards came out and he also had them for conferences. Apparently he took it upon himself to contact certain teachers (I overheard him promising one teacher something - likely to get this teacher's friend a job at his company  ). He also really gave DD a hard time about her attitude (she's 12, of course she has an attitude), and about a certain subject she's had difficulty with.  Over the weekend, he proceeded to bring DD to tears each night about the subject in question. He lectured her repeatedly on her attitude and abilities. DD alluded to some of this when we were in front of her T. I then left so they could start their session.

In therapy, DD typically changes the subject and refuses to talk about what's going on with her dad. This time, however, the T let me know she really opened up and that they were going to continue their discussion next time (when stbx brings her to T). When the T was telling me this, she kind of gave me a look (I think!?), so I interpreted it to mean that DD was finally talking about some of the behaviors she has to deal with when she's with stbx and that maybe I should let someone know... For those of you who don't know, DD typically refuses to say anything about her dad (she's afraid he'll find out) and she will change the subject to the girl drama that's going on at school. 

So now of course, the worrying part of me thinks that since I told DD her dad wasn't going to get into trouble for any of his behaviors, that she was finally comfortable opening up to her T. Me being me, I immediately sent an email to my L suggesting the GAL speak with DD's T before our next court date...

I am glad DD seems to be finally (after a year!) opening up with her T. She really needs someone she can talk to about this.

But. I'm left with the feeling that my telling DD her dad wasn't going to get into trouble was a mistake. That this time, instead of saying too much, I said the wrong thing. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to win.  I keep questioning my every move when it comes to stbx.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Whiteheron,

I totally understand what you are feeling!  You base your comments on your experience, that is really all you can do.  IF someone actually pays attention to the medication issue (which would be a win- keep that in mind), you could say, "I guess they found it to be a more serious issue than I thought they would".   That sort of puts the responsibility in the hands of the professionals.  The positive thing, hopefully if she is talking to the T, she is talking about that too.  If it does register with her, and she says something, the T can reinforce that YOU did the right thing. 

She started talking, that is a major deal.  Focus on the positive- getting and keeping kids talking is what we see as the path to them having a chance at being healthy adults.

[athene1399]

I agree with SL. Plus you were honest. You said you didn't think there was anyone who would punish him for it. Maybe call the T and let her know your concern about this and see what her opinion is. Or if stbx does "get in trouble", what you should say to DD or how to handle it. It sucks that DD is so afraid to get stbx in trouble, but leaving pills out is kind of a big deal. There is a bit of a grey area there, but T's usually only share stuff like that with authorities if someone is in imminent danger.  I don't think this counts as "imminent danger" IF DD told the T she knows not to touch the pills or take them herself. I just think it shows the T what is really going on at stbx's and how irresponsible he is IMO. But like i said, it's open for interpretation, so just contact the T if you're worried about what would happen if stbx gets in trouble. Explain why you think DD decided to open up this time (b/c you said stbx wouldn't get in trouble). Maybe talking to the T about it will make you feel better. And then you will know T's intentions. It could set your mind at ease.

[Whiteheron]

Thanks stepping and athene.

I'm planning on calling her T tomorrow anyways. Last night she opened up to me and said she was worried stbx would find out that she kept going in his room to look at his pill bottles because of the cameras. I was confused and asked her pointed questions about this. Apparently stbx has installed at least two cctv cameras inside the house. DD tells me he says it's so he can keep an eye on the cleaning people when he's not there. 
I can bring up her worry that he will get into trouble when I let her T know about her latest fear about being watched on the cameras.

Quick backstory - he had installed CCTV cameras around the outside of our previous house, and the house I left. He has a history of monitoring our comings and goings via these cameras. Nothing is off limits to this man.

[sevenyears]

White Heron - It sounds to me like everything you said helped your daughter. You told her the truth. She found the strength to open up. Maybe she is afraid that, if stbx gets in trouble for leaving the medicines laying around, that she will get in trouble with him because he will take it out on her in some way. Especially, since she is worried that he will find out because he installed cctv inside the house. Regardless of his reason, it's understandable that your DD is uncomfortable. Is that something you and/or DD can talk to T about? And, also, just keep your L informed.