Im overwhelmed with sadness that im the only one working on it

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PeanutButter

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Bear with me please this will be the first time ive attempted to describe what is happening. Thank you for reading also.  My husband who has uNPDm and enabling/enforcer father understandably has fleas. As do I uBPDm and enf. But im losing hope that he will ever care about my feelings when I am upset. This morning he got mad that we packed groceries up to our door and then discovered we didnt have keys. I left them in the auto. I didnt see what the big deal was he was going to go park the truck afterwards anyway. I messed up thinking i could get him to see that it didnt matter by saying that its not like it caused you to have to make an extra trip. He claims he knew that he was just mad at the situation because he wanted to be able to let me in the apt before he parked the truck. I didnt care to wait I just thought he should apologise for getting mad. Why does it feel like he cant see it from my view? That he defualts to explaining his anger wasnt at me and therefore lets move on its in the past. Everybody gets mad at their partner sometimes. Right? When i get mad at him i tell him. And i apologise if i express my anger in a way that is hurtful to him. I know he probably has a totally different perception of this event but i have know way of understanding it because he wont talk about it. I would appreciate feed back of any kind. Thanks
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Bloomie

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Re: Im overwhelmed with sadness that im the only one working on it
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2019, 12:50:48 PM »
PeanutButter - It sounds like a painful exchange between you and your H. I'm really sorry that a simple mistake led to your hurting. Both myself and my DH are "double winners" in the PD family game as we also have PD parents on both sides and have had a fair amount of flea removal to do as well.

My own DH was in such a defended and defensive posture whenever there was even a perceived hint of having behaved wrongly. It was exhausting and manifested as an intense preoccupation with himself and defending his intentions and denying hurtful things he actually did and actually said.

It is a lot to work through on your own. Have you thought of working with a therapist either together or separately to begin to deconstruct those old patterns of interacting?

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PeanutButter

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Re: Im overwhelmed with sadness that im the only one working on it
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2019, 05:01:30 PM »
We are in counseling seperately. I hoped that will eventually heal us each enough to enable healthy communication. May I ask did you do seperate or together? I know i should be thinking about my part, my trigger that caused me to be so hurt this morning.  I dont know what it was though. Im so confused.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Bloomie

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Re: Im overwhelmed with sadness that im the only one working on it
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2019, 11:21:23 AM »
PeanutButter - We are together and have worked on our stuff both separately and together in therapy, mentors, reading books together, seminars. We have fought hard to bring honor and respect into our interactions with each other. I am thankful you have irl support from a counselor who can guide you through what seems to me to be normal hurt feelings after having been mistreated.

A book that has helped me in working on my side of the street in exchanges like you describe happening here that was recommended by two of our hero members and it is called The Four Agreements by  Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills.

One of the agreements is "Don't take anything personally." I have learned that doesn't mean don't feel hurt and move through that emotion when my H behaves in a harmful or toxic way toward me, but I have learned to choose not to take it personally. To see that my H's behaviors and choices are a reflection of how he sees the world and he is 100% responsible for that. It is not a reflection on me and who I am if that makes sense.

The other thing that has really helped is to set boundaries with consequences around how I allow myself to be spoken to and treated. With my own H, a particularly painful flea from a uOCPD mother was an atmosphere of criticism and rigidity where there was no room for mistakes. Small things... like forgetting to shut a window or leaving the keys in the car would trigger this kind of silent disapproval or passive aggressive comments or behaviors that stung.

I began to push back against that flea by boundary setting with consequences and the first boundary I had to set was/is with myself in not allowing myself to immediately own that sense that I have blown it or disappointed or made some kind of a big mistake over what I saw as nonsense or inconsequential in the scheme of life. I had to speak back to the false accusations that were triggered in my own head by the sometimes condescending attitudes and remarks from my H.

So, my work looked really different from his in all of this, but there were things I had to adjust within myself as well. I was also very confused by how seemingly important trivial moments or actions on my part were and then the swift and fierce denial that came when I confronted him about it (refusing to own his behaviors and attitudes) set in motion a particularly painful type of dissonance and confusion.

I am starting to ramble here, but I hope that gives some support as you find a way through this kind of thing to a better understanding of yourselves and each other. The "legacy" of having grown up in a disordered home takes time and patience to deconstruct and break free from. Keep doing this good work and processing your honest emotions and confusion as you work toward freedom and a new way of loving and caring for each other. :hug:

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PeanutButter

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Re: Im overwhelmed with sadness that im the only one working on it
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2019, 12:28:18 PM »
A book that has helped me in working on my side of the street in exchanges like you describe happening here that was recommended by two of our hero members and it is called The Four Agreements by  Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills.
I have learned to choose not to take it personally. To see that my H's behaviors and choices are a reflection of how he sees the world and he is 100% responsible for that. It is not a reflection on me and who I am
With my own H, a particularly painful flea from a uOCPD mother was an atmosphere of criticism and rigidity where there was no room for mistakes. Small things... like forgetting to shut a window or leaving the keys in the car would trigger this kind of silent disapproval or passive aggressive comments or behaviors that stung.
I had to set was/is with myself in not allowing myself to immediately own that sense that I have blown it or disappointed or made some kind of a big mistake over what I saw as nonsense or inconsequential in the scheme of life. I had to speak back to the false accusations that were triggered in my own head by the sometimes condescending attitudes and remarks from my H.
I was also very confused by how seemingly important trivial moments or actions on my part were and then the swift and fierce denial that came when I confronted him about it (refusing to own his behaviors and attitudes) set in motion a particularly painful type of dissonance and confusion.
Bloomie what you said above really resonates with me and what i am experiencing. It is different than the way I was looking at things. My fil was alot like what you described about your mil uOCPD. I have just downloaded the book so i can read it. Thank you so much! I feel blessed for your sharing.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle