Finally opening up?

[Findingmyvoice]

I just finished reading Whitheron's post about DD and I thought that rather than hijacking that thread I would start another.
I have had a really difficult time getting my son to open up and discuss what is bothering him.
He is often passive -aggressive towards me and his sisters after visits to exBPDw.  When I address it and ask if he is upset about something or ask what the issue is he clams up and won't talk.  A few times I have sat down with him to try to have conversations with him but he gets upset, avoids the issues, stares silently, wont look at me.

So, last week it was the same thing.  My parents are going away for a few weeks and kids were going to have to ride the bus to school in the morning.
It's a longer, different bus route than what they are used to, so different kids, longer bus ride, transferring buses, confusion, lots of unkowns.
Daughters were not thrilled, they had lots of questions but generally accepted it. 
My son started acting the way he does towards me making lots of negative comments to me and about me, but not talking to me about it, then i get a text message from exBPDw about what a monster I am for making them ride the bus.

So, I knew that we had to talk and get some things out in the open.
He would not talk about what his concerns were or even tell me that he was upset about the bussing.
I tried a few different things, i explained that the negative comments aren't helpful. Saying that something is trash or that you hate it doesn't help me understand what the problem or concern is.  He has also been very negative about things lately, even things that I know he enjoys and visibly make him happy.
So I explained that when I hear him complain all of the time, even about positive things, that I start to take his complaints less seriously.
We talked about the boy that cried wolf analogy.  Still nothing.
I asked if he needed time to think about it.  He said yes.  I asked how long.  He said forever.
I asked if it would be easier if he wrote it down for me to read.  he said no.

So i picked up a piece of paper and started drawing.  he immediately wanted to see what I was doing.
I drew a stick figure of me and a cartoon bubble  "what is bothering you" and another one "I care about you" and a heart.
He was interested, so I drew a stick figure of him and handed him the paper.  He wouldn't play so I asked for it back and wrote another bubble "I would like to know what is wrong".  He still wouldn't play so I asked if he wanted to do it alone and he agreed.

I came back in 5 minutes and he was working on the back side of the paper so I gave him time to finish.
i asked if he could read it to me and he would not.  So I read it, praised him and thanked him for opening up and we addressed the issues.
I brought it up the next morning with the family and just said "I learned some things that I didn't know ... and this helped me make a decision... and this is what we are going to do".
I asked him privately if he wanted to keep the paper or if I could keep it, he said no.  I asked if it was private and he said yes, so we put it in the fireplace and burnt it.
I hope this helped build some trust with him.

He's 14, I never thought that drawing cartoons would be the way to break the ice, but it worked.
He is normally very talkative about most things, its not that he is quiet or does not like to talk, its just with anything emotional he shuts down.

Last night we had a family meeting to talk about some things that happened in the last week.
People not acting with integrity, breaking trust, not being true to their values (not my kids, other kids at school) as well something the girls are having trouble with friends at school.  I made sure we did it all on the whiteboard, we drew stick figures again when role playing how to be honest without hurting someones feelings and my son immediately perked up, so I think this is something I will keep doing with him.

[Whiteheron]

That was a fantastic idea! I'm so glad it worked for your DS. It is very hard to get them to open up sometimes. It's frustrating when you know something is really bothering them but they clam up and refuse to say a word. DD12 will only open up to me when I'm not actively paying attention to her. If I'm distracted by driving, cooking, cleaning up, she will talk. If I give her my undivided attention she tells me to never mind.

If I can get DS15 to go with me for a walk he will usually open up. He'll talk about things with himself that are bothering him - right now he's obsessed with being 25% nuts (as in grandpa was 100% nuts, stbx 50% nuts...). I keep reminding him that he is his own unique combination of genes and traits and that no one in our family is an exact copy of another. He no longer really talks about what's going on with his dad. He's worried his dad will find out somehow.

I hope your DS continues to open up with you and that your kids take your words and guidance to heart.

[athene1399]

What a great idea, FMV! Thank you so much for sharing. I am so glad this worked out well for you.