Divorced

[Ithinkiknow]

So it's officially over and finalized (3/13/19), after 18 months of separation. I can say I wasn't happy about the out come and did not want a divorce. I actually liked the concept of marriage, but my spouse was a horrible, selfish person. It has not been easy, I have been dating and I met some wonderful women along the way. What I can say to those who may be going through this is

1. I do not miss walking on eggshells wondering if today is going to be a good day or a bad day.
2. I have peace and time on my hands so find something constructive to do. I have been traveling and having experience I never would of done when I was married.
3. Yes, I have flashbacks like is this my life and I get sad. You have to choose either to mope or move on, think of a new day without the craziness as a gift.
4. I have to decide if I will ever get married again or have kids one day. This is tough I wouldn't wish the emotional toll of divorce on my worst enemy.
5. There are people out there that will treat you like your supposed to be treated it. Settle for nothing less!
6. Dating sucks but it is a necessary evil to find what you are seeking.
7. Take a deep breath, and plan to do something positive that was in your past, it does not define your future.

I recently found out my ex has a boyfriend and they live together, I felt sad knowing this but I got over it quickly after I remembered the hell I was put through. So in closing I hope those who are considering or who have expierenced the other side can do something positive and enjoy the new life they have ahead of them. Good luck!

J

[pushit]

Thanks for this.  I'm in the beginning stages, and I'm the one who initiated it.

Our situations are different, as I had realized she wasn't bringing anything positive into my life and I needed to move on in order to move my life forward and grow.  I'm ready, and have realized all the things I wanted to do (myself, and with our kids) that I/we weren't allowed to do during the marriage.

All your points make complete sense to me.  I won't miss wondering if tonight will be good or ugly, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I won't miss the eggshells.  I'm only a week into the separation and sometimes I feel sad, but mostly I feel liberated.

My thoughts to you - Just be you, and figure out YOU.  You'll get there, and figure out who you want to date and whether or not you want kids.  I know right now I don't want a new partner anytime soon, and I've been wondering about what it will feel like to try and trust someone again.

Good luck to you too.

[Ithinkiknow]

I read you story earlier (a post you made) and it reminded me what I've been through. I wish you the best in your journey, thanks for the words of encouragement, I feel like I am slowly but surely getting there. You hit the nail on the head when you said she was not bringing anything positive into my life. You definitely need someone who is going to be a teammate, who wants to be there and want the best for your future.  I know you feel sad, as I do sometimes. I just think of that scene in Titanic where Leo talks about how he got on the ship.

Yeah I struggle with trust but one thing I can tell you we have the advantage of knowing what we want and can spot bs from a mile away. One thing I live by I will never force another situation.  I want it to happen "organically" as it happens not on some quid pro quo, happiness is only attained by jumping a hurdle. If we have to have a filibuster type of conversation to make a decision its probably not going to work imo.

Good luck man, I hope you enjoy life and make a list of some of the long/short term things you want to accomplish this will take your mind off of being sad.

[Spygirl]

Isnt it sad that the only instruction we recieve about what constitutes healthy relationships comes from our family modeling.

I wonder how things would have been if we had some kind of other basic instruction. Schools teach sex ed, but nothing about relationships

[Kat54]

Thank you for that. Much of it I can relate to. The walking on egg shells wondering how he will be when he walks in the door after work, his anger and rages at me, yelling all the time. My life is very different and enjoying the time for myself, the peace I have in my soul. Some days I do miss him and his funny ways. When we have to speak to each about our kids, it all comes flooding back and all I think is if we didn't have children I would gladly never have anything to do with him ever again.  Can I deal with the once every few months contact, sure, we are a family still and we will continue that, as we both promised. If I date, it will be only someone who likes me for me and not try to change one darn thing, or be self absorbed and selfish. I was a people pleaser, would do anything for him, not anymore. My life is mine and I am number one.
Good luck to you, and enjoy your new life!