Update since unBPDmom's death

[Menopause Barbie]

Just posting a little update since my unBPDmom died around Christmas. No one contacted me about a funeral. I had decided I wouldn't go, mind you, but not being contacted stung. On Christmas I reached out to the brother-in-law who was the only one to contact me about unBPDmom's hospitalization and death. He never responded. Christmas 2018 was my worst ever.

So I found a therapist who I thought I would click with to try to help me through all this pain. 3 sessions and she broke up with me.  Didn't think we were a good fit. I was disappointed in her, too, because she seemed unwilling to help me unless I agreed to get antidepressants. I know they work for some people, but I just didn't want them. I didn't want to figure out what dose and type worked and risk feeling worse before I felt better. I felt like I was justified in feeling depressed and wanted to work through it myself. She didn't like that approach. It took a lot for me to reach out to a therapist, and her handling of our "breakup" really made me feel rejected and lost. I didn't have it in me to try to find a new therapist. January 2019 was my worst ever.

By February, I was putting up a brave front and going through life as only a person raised by PD parents knows how to do... but completely broken and lost inside. One thing the therapist said kept ringing in my ears. It was terribly harsh the way she said it, but I decided she was right. She said I needed to "get a life." Ouch. Here's the thing about being depressed. All the things it takes to fix you require hope and energy you just don't have. But I decided I had no choice. I had to make drastic changes.

So I'm back in school. Oldest thing to hit my community college in quite some time, I'm fairly certain. I decided to pursue a nursing degree.  UnBPDmom, who told me I shouldn't be a nurse, may be rolling in her grave-that-I-never-was-invited-to-see!    In other news, unNdad called me on my birthday. First time I've heard his voice since NC 3 or 4 years ago. The man sounded giddy. UnBPDmom's death is apparently agreeing with him. He has since bought a cat (She was allergic LOL) and seemed genuinely shocked that my voice sounded so sad over the phone. Clueless that the loss of my whole family via NC would have caused me years of agony.

So here is the point of my update:
1. Therapists don't know everything and if you don't click with one it isn't your fault. Trust your gut.
2. Depression is horrible but it can force you to consider doing things you would never have considered if you weren't completely
   desperate with nothing to lose.
3. Death of a PD shakes up the family dynamics. Other family members, especially PD ones, may change the way they interact with you
   in unpredictable ways. That doesn't mean you have to change the way you choose to deal with them , but brace yourself. 
4. NC is for us and us alone. If the time ever comes to break it you will know. It felt right to answer the phone when unNdad called and
   I am glad I did. I also am glad I didn't break NC when unBPD mom was alive, even though it hurt then and now. NC is an act of
   survival and desperation. It's not something any of us take lightly.
5. No one but people like us (who have lived it) understands PD families and the unique sometimes subtle toxicity we endured. When
   death comes they understand it even less. The things they say to try to be empathetic and helpful (  ) pour salt in our wounds.
   Don't let people who don't get it make you feel guilty for doing what you need to survive. TRUST YOURSELF TRUST YOURSELF TRUST
   YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!
   
   
   

[SunnyMeadow]

A very good message about trusting yourself Menopause Barbie, thank you!

You've really been through a lot. I'm sorry about your brother-in-law and your therapist. I don't blame you for not wanting to go on anti-depressants. Interesting about your dad calling you and sounding giddy. I have a feeling my dad is going to react the same way if my uNmom goes first.

Please find some self-care things you like and treat yourself when you can. Congrats on going to community college and WTG on pursuing a nursing degree! 

[xredshoesx]

it's like the death of your mother was a rebirth for you.  i love your list.  so TRUE.

good luck in your studies and keep on doing you!

[all4peace]

You have tremendous strength, and I appreciate your reminder to learn to trust ourselves. I'm so sorry for the pain you have been through, and continue to struggle with. And I love that you're going for nursing! Go, you!

[bloomie]

The winds of great change are blowing in your life releasing you to opportunity as you pursue something you have dreamed of. What an important new beginning for you.

All of everything that you shared in this post - YES! 100 times YES! Thank you for sharing this. Sending you peace and continued healing.

[blacksheep7]

Thank you Menopause Barbie for your post.

I have been following your story and it inspires me to change my life, something that I know I have to do, get out of the house a bit more but also interact with new people.  I haven't yet decided exactly what I want to do, take a course, volunteer etc...

I wish you all the best for your nursing degree.  You have great strength and courage!

[moglow]

I'm so glad to know things have shifted for you! Your whole list struck at the heart of many ongoing issues for me as well. It's good to see it out into words.
Holding you close - we're here with you.

Here's the thing about being depressed. All the things it takes to fix you require hope and energy you just don't have.

Preach it, sister!! Too many see overcoming depression simply as an act of will. Well yes (sort of), but they don't realize that it's the same act of will over and over and over until something/anything sticks.