Just need to vent

[NewFreedom]

I haven't posted on here in a while, but a couple years ago this place really helped me through a tough situation.

Today I'm just feeling like I need to process... had a short talk with a friend helped to open things up a bit.

My oldest sister, I believe, has NPD. Fall of 2017, her daughter- my niece- died in a car accident. She was 21. I had not spoken with my sister (or any of her children) for over a year prior to that and I showed up to the hospital the night my niece died. It was awful, and still is awful. Since then, my sister and I have been talking, but I keep my distance. What I'm struggling with is just the pain/anger/despair I feel when thinking about how awfully she treated her daughter and how I tried to help her and be there for her, and talk to my sister about how to help her when she was struggling as a teen.

If you could imagine how the children of narcissists struggle, this was no exception. My sister was verbally and psychologically abusive, no doubt. And my sweet little niece suffered because of it. She was not supported by her mom or given love/empathy at all, yet my sister believes she did everything she could to help her (surface-level things that are obviously not what children need to feel loved and safe).

The worst part of it for me personally, is that after my sister and I got into a fight, she did her NPD thing and manipulated all her adult children into not talking to me. So, I hadn't talked to my niece for over a year either. That in itself was so hurtful because I was the only one in the family who tried to help her and even knew where she was for a while after my sister kicked her out.

I didn't realize my sister's NPD and the extent of her abusive ways until after we had our "falling out" and I just hate myself for not doing more to help my niece, and allowing my sister to treat her so badly. I kick myself for not trying harder to patch things with my niece. I was a coward for not reaching out to her, because I was afraid of the backlash from my sister.

Besides my own guilt and regret, I am maintaining a surface-level relationship with my sister now, but even that is sometimes too much. I have SO much anger towards her and I just don't know what to do with it. I hate her for how she treated her kids, I hate her for how she has treated me and I can't get over it. I hate how much I think about it all, I hate how much power she still has over my life, and I hate the anger that I have.

I don't know what to do... I mean mostly I am okay and live my life just fine, but it always lingers, it's always there, I always think about her. I always feel the anger and the pain. I always feel the pain of losing my niece and the tragedy of the whole thing. I always feel that regret. I don't know how to process it or get through it sometimes, other than to ignore or push it down.

Thanks for listening.

[whatthefog]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard that must be.  Secondly, please don't call yourself a coward. You did what you needed to do for your own happiness and you created boundaries and sadly with siblings, nieces and nephews get caught in the middle of that. You are not the one to blame here!

I hear your anger and I can empathize. I think that's the hardest part with PD family members. We have so many emotions and so much anger, and then we have to keep our cool so we don't get sucked into the drama. It's not easy. I wish it was easier to let go of the anger. It does get exhausting!

[Malini]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I believe a lot of us here have many regrets of how we dealt with things in the past because we didn't understand the PD behaviour or felt trapped and afraid and unable to imagine setting any sort of boundaries. I certainly didn't protect my own children enough, and had to find ways to forgive myself for that. I was fortunate to be able to speak with them about it as part of my healing.

I've experienced a lot of anger, grief and loss coming Out of the FOG and used journaling as a way to deal with the anger and grief. I found it really helpful to "evacuate" the emotions holding me back from moving forward.

In my case, the anger I've felt towards my PD family members was a "front" for all the overwhelming underlying sadness and grief and once I'd been able to deal with the fury,  I could start grieving and move on.

I can really feel your feelings of sadness and guilt about your niece in your writing. As she is no longer here, perhaps you would find writing her a letter a helpful tool to deal with your feelings of sadness and guilt towards her?

Take care.

[NewFreedom]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard that must be.  Secondly, please don't call yourself a coward. You did what you needed to do for your own happiness and you created boundaries and sadly with siblings, nieces and nephews get caught in the middle of that. You are not the one to blame here!

I hear your anger and I can empathize. I think that's the hardest part with PD family members. We have so many emotions and so much anger, and then we have to keep our cool so we don't get sucked into the drama. It's not easy.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It helps to be understood and validated. It IS hard because I do have to see my sister now and I have to keep my cool; it takes a lot of energy.

I've experienced a lot of anger, grief and loss coming Out of the FOG and used journaling as a way to deal with the anger and grief. I found it really helpful to "evacuate" the emotions holding me back from moving forward.

In my case, the anger I've felt towards my PD family members was a "front" for all the overwhelming underlying sadness and grief and once I'd been able to deal with the fury,  I could start grieving and move on.

I can really feel your feelings of sadness and guilt about your niece in your writing. As she is no longer here, perhaps you would find writing her a letter a helpful tool to deal with your feelings of sadness and guilt towards her?

Also, thank you for your kind words and validation. I have been meaning to journal... but I think I am afraid of feeling the feelings that I know will come up. But I agree that it would be good for me to get out these feelings. I tend to push them down and hold them in, which I know isn't great.

On my niece's 1-year death anniversary, I wrote her a letter and read it aloud at her grave site. It was SO HARD, but it did help some. I apologized to her and empathized with her about the hurting that I witnessed. I apologized for not knowing better and not fighting harder. I had emotional hangover for like 2 days after that. But it's better than keeping everything inside and suffering that way. At least I feel like I'm doing justice to her somehow by reading it to "her".

I think it will take more than one letter to start healing, so thank you for the reminder to keep at it. Perhaps a "no-send" letter to my sister might help as well.

What makes this whole thing even harder is that she was hit by a drunk driver, so the driver is now being prosecuted for class 2 felony. I have attended almost every court hearing-- it is now going to jury trial. On the one hand, it's hard to attend court because the wound is ripped back open each time AND I have to see my sister and witness her drama. On the other hand though, I guess I feel like I can make up for it all somehow by fighting for her and being there for her now. Plus, being there for my sister, although she doesn't deserve it. It's just an all-around crappy situation.

Thanks for the support here. I need it.