2 and a half years NC. I finally admitted to myself that I do not have a family

[newlife33]

Two and a half years ago I walked out of my biological families house for good.  It was a very difficult choice to make.  Many times I wanted to go back or give in to society and put family above all else.  I stayed true to my heart and never went back.

But the pain of that was too much to bear. I threw myself into addictions, sexual compulsion and poor self care habits.

Finally this past week, I gained some peace of mind.  It was painful, but I was ready to say it.

I have no family.

I CURRENTLY have no family.  I have the ability to love and am compassionate and talented.  I am funny, witty and kind.  I have good boundaries and am healthy and love sports.  I have a desire to be a good guitar player and future loving husband and dad.

In short, I now have all the things I SHOULD have learned from a healthy family....except I taught them to myself.  I think this is part of the reason I can let the pain in now.  I feel like I am ok now.

So yea. My name is Newlife and I have no family.  And that hurts.....temporarily.  Now I go out to live and seek the relationships and people and things that matter to me.  Time to live.

[Zippydog]

Hi. Thank you for sharing your words. I am on the cusp of this myself.  I feel your words deeply -- that you taught yourself how to love. I am so sorry you had to go through hell. And I am so glad you have found your way. Keep on going. I know how hard this is. I know how easy it is to slip back into co-dependent behaviors. Peace and love to you.

[newlife33]

Hi. Thank you for sharing your words. I am on the cusp of this myself.  I feel your words deeply -- that you taught yourself how to love. I am so sorry you had to go through hell. And I am so glad you have found your way. Keep on going. I know how hard this is. I know how easy it is to slip back into co-dependent behaviors. Peace and love to you.

Thank you for your words and the empathy, I appreciate it greatly.  And thank you for reminding me of not being co dependent behaviors, I def have struggled with that the past year.  I'm glad you are getting to a better place too, glad we both could lift each other up a bit and help each other out.

[jdmelb]

newlife33 your words resonate SO strongly with me. And they are beautifully put. And they are all true.

I myself went NC, and then had to come to terms with a similar range of unhealthy coping strategies that stretched a long way into my past. Am still coming out of it all.

I recently became seriously ill, and was in hospital for 5 days and felt very alone. I don't currently have m/any close friends, because I knew when I went NC that I would go through an extraordinary period of growth and change and that I had to let it run its course. I have carried a quiet optimism about my future - new friends who are mature and self-aware and not riddled with PDs, and a partner somewhere down the line. But in the meantime, when I got sick, I was so upset about being alone, I contacted my younger brother. It was helpful, and he was glad to know what was going on, but it's since opened up a can of worms for me, old hurts, pains, confusions, rotten memories of being the SG in my familye etc etc. And it's not helping me get better physically.

Anyway, your post came at a good time for me, because I too am currently alone, and that won't kill me, and it won't always be that way. And, like you, I too had to teach myself EVERYTHING, including that I am in fact a good person, despite the 30 years of messages to the contrary from my family.

When I'm better, which will happen I'm sure of it, I too will go out into the world and create the life I long for, and find fantastic friends, love, and meaningful pursuits.

Good luck to you mate, you did the right thing and you're on the right path

[newlife33]

Thanks man, I appreciate your words and sharing. It's funny because i needed to hear your reply today too. My narc father and grandmother both have begun stalking me at work, and they sent two packages this week, both of which I threw out. It's been difficult churning up painful memories and having to waste brain energy on thinking about them and feeling the anger and such.  This too shall pass, just another bump on the road and i will keep on. Best of luck to you.

[lotusblume]

Thanks for sharing your posts. I have been NC with my parents and siblings for about 8 months, but truly no contact with my whole FOO recently. People jumped to take sides, and I no longer was willing to take scapegoating and toxicity from both of my closest friends for many years. One of them quickly jumped to side with my family, even deleting me off social media because "it wasn't fair that she could talk to me if my family couldn't". My other friend I considered closer and it was a big loss for me, but the last straw was when I exposed my heart and feelings to her about the whole FOO situation, which I now realise was JADEing, and she ran to my sister, whom I expressed was hell bent on destroying me, and told her the confidential things I had told her.

On top of breaking from the FOO and the denial and grief of that, I also experienced the loss of my only friendships.

When I couldn't deal with my loneliness and was still in denial about those feelings of betrayal, I battled with if I should continue these friendships because of past history and not wanting to accept reality. It truly is terrifying to let everyone go as you delve deeper into yourself, but with some time I have begun to feel light again and proud of myself for having self-respect and learning how to deal with myself. I wish to have friends for the right reasons, and not because I act codependently.

[freedfromchaos]

I remember the day I realized that I had no family.  That my NPD father and BPD mother did not love me.  It was a stunning blow. A shock. It brought me to my knees. It was so deeply painful that for a while I stopped doing the inner work of freeing myself from the FOG thinking my parents had taught me. I probably was depress but I had not yet reached the place in my inner work where I was permitted to take care of myself.

To this day I call this realization 'The Ugly Truth'. Eventually I realized that it was a gift. It opened the door widely to my freedom. It let me see them for what they were and everything they taught me was about me meeting their needs. That I did not take care of myself or speak up on my own behalf because they taught me that it was wrong to do so. The Ugly Truth allowed me  to examine my thinking, identify what was bad for me, and replacing it with healthy beliefs that enabled me to take appropriate care of myself and interact in healthy ways with other people. It has been a long slow journey but the peace and freedom is sweet. 

[lexophile528]

Hi, newlife33!

My husband and I were talking about my decision to go NC with my parents about two years after I made the cut. I told him that I essentially consider myself orphaned. Making that statement felt very odd, but I do understand the feeling. I lost my brother too after my parents got him to cut me out of his life, so I've now lost my entire family of origin. It hurts. But the feeling of peace and self-respect I gained from not having the emotional manipulation and abuse in my life far offsets the pain. It's ok to feel it all!

[Rize]

Thank you for your post, Newlife.

[JustKat]

Thanks for sharing this, Newlife. It helped me a lot, and I hope the replies help you in return.

I went NC with my NPDmother ten years ago but didn't go NC with my father until a few years later when my mother was terminally ill. During that time she launched a smear campaign that turned every member of my family against me, so I lost them all ... siblings, aunts, uncles. At first I became severely depressed and dealt with it in many of the same ways you did. Self-medicating the pain was one of them and I came very close to having addiction issues (maybe actually was an addict given the number of pain meds my doctor was legally giving me). Anyway, that's behind me now and it sounds like it's behind you too.

I do think the worst part of NC is feeling so alone ... not alone in that you have no family, but feeling like you're the only one who was cursed with these horrible parents who hurt us in a way few people can understand. Finding forums like this one and reading some of the really great books now available really helped me through it.  Learning that there are so many of us out there who had the same experiences lifted me up and gave me a new outlook on life.

So here I am, like you, with no family. I do have bouts of depression and loneliness over the siblings I'll never see again, but then I step back and remind myself that they were never the kind of siblings other people have. They were robots who were interacting with me in the manner they were instructed to. I doubt they even loved me or ever give me a second thought now that I'm gone. I can and will find happiness and companionship with other people.

So while it hurts, as you said, it's temporary. The fear of growing old alone and without family is passing. I now live in a great neighborhood and have so many friends who care about me. I spent last Christmas for the first time with friends instead of family and it was wonderful.

There is happiness for us out there. We have no family and WE WILL BE OKAY!

[newlife33]

Thanks JustKathy! I really appreciate everything you said, it all hit home and made me feel good. Something you hid on really has been the center of my struggles lately in that I still have bouts of depression. Things will be going good and I'm like oh cool I have arrived in life! And then a little bit of depression seeps in and I'm down for a few days. And I get so anxious and frustrated because I've already lost so much time to abuse, I want every day from now on to be good. That being said, after a few relapse has I have realized that life is not all sunshine and rainbows. It is okay to have bad days it is okay to have bad weeks, life is a series of ups and downs not a straight line. The more I realized that the happier I become. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me and for sharing your story, I'm glad you are doing well!

[JustKat]

It is okay to have bad days it is okay to have bad weeks, life is a series of ups and downs not a straight line.

I think what you wrote there is spot on. Recovering from childhood trauma is a journey and it does take time. I think it's pretty normal to have some bad days. We've been harmed by the parents who should have loved and cared for us and it hurts. We're experiencing normal human emotions, which makes us the opposite of our narc parents who probably only feel anger at us for going NC, not grief or sadness. The good news is that you've reached a place where the good days far outweigh the bad. Things can only get better from here on forward.

Stay strong. You're doing great!