Refusing to seek medical care

[AD]

Has anyone else had this experience?

PDF suffered a blow to the head recently, followed by temporary amnesia (forgetting about the blow, what had happened earlier in the day, etc.) Clearly this warrants medical attention. M was telling me about it, and as I told her they should go to the hospital right away, she just kept saying that "he's feeling better", "he says his pupils are normal so he's ok", "he remembers now", etc. It was ridiculous and such a frustrating conversation to have.

There is every reason to go get checked out in this situation. Medical care is covered. They wouldn't even have to cancel any plans to go. There is zero reason not to go. So what's the point in being so reckless? So he can show that he's smarter than everyone because he *knows* that he's fine? To just be stubborn?

It was bad enough that he's so reckless, but my M is just so passive, and that was driving me crazy. I understand to a degree, b/c PDF is so impossible to deal with, but for something serious like this, to see her just spouting what he said and seemingly not even considering how serious this could be....

Sometimes she appears to see sense when it comes to him, and then other times she just blindly goes along with his stupid ideas. She's a smart person, and so it's really frustrating to see.

In the end she had someone else ask a nurse (who of course said to go to the hospital), and at my prompting, called her doctor's office, who also said to go in.....and yet she still responds with "he won't go". I finally just said that if he wants to make a reckless decision that makes no sense, that's on him. Zero response from M.

[Danie]

My husband hates to go to the doctor! He was on the verge of pneumonia and wouldn't go. I think he finally got scared enough and went and ended up with an inhaler and steroids.

I guess if I were you I would try not to worry and keep your fingers crossed. Maybe he is okay? There is a lot of media hoopla about concussions these days; rightly so. I've found when I nag at my husband to go he just refuses more. I don't think you are going to be able to talk him into it.

If they are functioning ok with their marital roles I would just let them be. If he starts to get headaches, or some other symptom, maybe he'll change his mind.

You aren't responsible for him and it may drive you nuts, but he is an adult that can make his own choices.

[AD]

Thanks, Danie.

You're right, I know that you can't force someone to see a doctor, and statistically he is more likely to be ok than not (though in my mind a concussion with memory loss is without question a time to see a doctor).

This may sound awful, but ultimately I think I just became more annoyed by the overall dynamic of what was happening. I've been thinking more about my M's role in the family dynamic, and while I know that she also can't force him to do anything, the way that she just passively accepts everything that he says/does is irritating me.

[Danie]

AD I hope I didn't sound harsh and un-caring! I agree, it is time to get help. If you read about brain damage they count the times that you black out; not so much just little dings on the head. And it's your dad and you love him. You want him to be okay and healthy.

I watched my grandparents grow old together and then he died (I was close to them) and she was alone for 12 years. My grandma loved to cook and grandpa was overweight and it probably affected his health, but there wasn't anything anyone else could do or say.

Same with my mom and her husband.....as an outsider it's easy to think they should do something different for their health. My mom kept him at home too long (dementia) and he fell and hit his head and died a week later! She needed his income.

We're all going to die from something eventually.

A therapist once told me: "You can't control what's going to happen, but you can control how you will react if it does". So just keep your eye on him in case he has symptoms and think about what you would do (for the best) if something bad happens.

[Kiki81]

Yes. Both Narents.

I did not dispute their choices. I made myself unavailable to them in the inevitable, predictable aftermath s.

[11JB68]

My uPDh hasn't been to a Dr in over 30 years! Will not go. The last time he spotted me a symptom and I said he should have it checked out he flipped out. I've never broached the subject again. He's an adult. He had an increasing number of health issues that are quite concerning but won't go to a Dr. I had a talk with ds and let him know that I'm concerned about dad's health and that u am not purposely neglecting him but that I can't make him go. Ds said, oh I would never think that. I know no one can make dad do anything.