Do I "read" into things too much?

[athene1399]

This might be related to radical acceptance, I'm not sure. I know I'm not alone in this, so I wanted to throw the question out there: Do I (we) "read" into stuff too much?

I feel that SO and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what's really going on with BM. WHen BM texts So we try to figure out what she really wants and what motivated her to text him (like does she need money/sympathy/attention/etc). SD18 will tell us something, and later we will discuss what could be going on "between the lines". To give a current example, recently SD got an award and could only bring two people to the ceremony/dinner so she brought BM and SO (who cringed at the thought of sitting at a table with BM, but he made it through unscathed  ). He said BM kept trying to hold SD's hand, was stroking her hair, whispering loudly (so everyone at the table could hear) how proud she was, and SD seemed irritated and embarrassed. So later we had a discussion about if SD knows what's going on with BM, if SD's getting sick of her (she's been living there since end of October) just based on that. Like we can read her mind or something.

Then over the weekend SD invited SO and I to go to Acceptance Day at a college she was accepted to. I find myself doing the same thing. What does it mean? Why didn't she ask BM? Is SD getting sick of BM? is she afraid BM will embarrass her?

So now I'm wondering am I spending too much energy reading into things. What's really the point? Does it matter? I know SD cares about SO and I. It just bothers us that SO/we support her yet she lives with BM full time now (his choice because he's afraid BM will take him to court if he doesn't deliver food weekly to them).

And I asked SD if she wanted to spend the night before Acceptance Day since it starts early in the morning so she can sleep in a bit more (the university is closer to our place) and she hasn't responded. So now I'm worried she didn't think of this and will regret asking us to go. Like she will change her mind and have BM take her or won't go at all. Maybe I shouldn't have asked if she wanted to spend the night and just waited to see if she would suggest it. Again, spending more energy on worry about maybe nothing.

I was just wondering if anyone has thoughts on this or is in a similar situation. I just feel like we scrutinize anything to see if there's hidden information. Do we really need to know? Part of me feels we should since BM can be very unstable, but part of me is unsure it's necessary because in the past if things get crazy at BM's SD asks us to come get her. I don't know...

[findjoy81]

I'll say I feel like I do the same, although it has lessened over time. It does feel pretty futile, and often my brain isn't disordered enough to even get close to what might be right.  Whenever there's something "new" that occurs, there will be often some time of digesting it, talking about it (with my current spouse), processing it, and trying to understand what it is (what led to it, what potentially could be going on, what possible scenarios could come out of it).  It's exhausting.  I feel like I shouldn't, but I also feel in some ways I have to in order to just mentally cope.

I'm hoping some others will comment on this with some deeper insight. 

[coyote]

There is an assumption in DBT which says, "interpret everything in a benign a manner as possible," Basically, we give each other (and ourselves) the benefit of the doubt. We refrain from the urge to assume the worst. We witness our minds producing plentiful negative thoughts and conclusions, and we refrain from immediately acting on these. This is not to deny negative aspects of reality, however we are intentionally investigating a more benign interpretation and genuinely considering this perspective. Then, we can mindfully consider the pros and cons of taking those actions or expressing those thoughts.

Personally I just don't give others and their responses that much space in my head. A lot of this attitude has come from learning here that the only responses I can control is mine.

[Penny Lane]

As part of my own radical acceptance goal, I've been trying really hard to do this less. It's so easy to spend ages dissecting every little thing and trying to figure out what's the best way to respond that will cause the least amount of harm. What I realized is, it was causing ME harm. I was spending so much brain power on this. And there really wasn't a return on investment, so to speak. I think I said this in another thread. DH sending BIFF responses made a huge difference. But agonizing over every single word or what might be going on with BM, that wasn't making things more productive and it was just stressing us out.

I do think there are times when trying to figure out what she's thinking IS helpful. That's when DH is trying to work something out with her and she is not budging on her position. This came up in court several times. I do think there's value in trying to figure out what she really wants and see if you can come to an agreement. Often we found that BM seemed to not realize what it was that she really wanted. So this trying to get into her head did help move along compromises. To be clear it was often futile as well.

But now that they're out of court I would say that even that amount of effort isn't really worth it. We've been trying to adopt the attitude of, DH is going to make the right decisions for the kids. He will try to work with BM. But only to the degree that you would try to work with an unreasonable person. We're going to try to avoid spending any more nights discussing at length what the best strategy is to get BM on board, or worrying about what she will do next. (Easier said than done, of course). In your situation in a lot of ways it's easier, your SD is legally an adult and practically on her own, so you can really mostly do stuff through her.

Coyote, you've been a real inspiration for me in this. That DBT strategy is interesting. I actually do a similar exercise with DH, though it's not exactly the same. I'll say, okay assume good faith on her part, what would we do? Oftentimes it's not even different than what you should do if you don't assume good faith. Even sometimes it's just the difference between, she dropped it because she's overwhelmed vs she maliciously chose not to do it. It's a lot easier to stomach that first one even if the result is the same.

Athene can you do a sort of experiment with yourself? For one month, rather than ruminating, try to distract yourself instead. When these thoughts come, still acknowledge the frustration of the situation and the anxiety of not knowing. And then see if you can go do something else. At the end you can see if it was a success, Could you figure out how to successfully distract yourself? Does this make your life better or worse? Is there an underlying anxiety that these thoughts are masking that you should be addressing?

Good luck, I'm with you on these thoughts and I really don't think it's healthy for any of us.

[athene1399]

Thank you for the ideas. I've been trying to stay away from BM's social media pages too, to see if that helps. It upsets me more than anything, so I decided it's not worth my time and energy. I think I should do the same with "reading between the lines." Why bother. Coyote, I like your idea, but think I will tweak it. What usually works for me is assuming everything will turn out right in the end even if it doesn't feel that way now. Maybe I will focus more on that to get my attention off what I do not know and cannot possibly know.

[coyote]

Athene, sounds kinda like a personal one for me, "expect the best and prepare for the worst."