Sabotaging Futures

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acc1984

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Sabotaging Futures
« on: March 28, 2019, 01:14:51 PM »
I just need to vent for a second. And maybe I'm overreacting, I'm just really frustrated.

I've mentioned before that my DSS17 has been having a hard time. He didn't live with us for 10 months after an argument with DH and I. He stayed with his uBPD mom who (in violation of a court order) refused to send him back. Eventually a parent coordinator was ordered to be involved and after almost a year (as of last spring) he came back into the time sharing plan and has been doing pretty well other than school. It took us forever to get him to find a job but when he finally did he loved it and excelled. That recently came to an end when, during a week with his mom, he "quit." We never really did get an explanation and I think he was probably fired but I guess it doesn't matter. We also know that BM was asking him to cancel shifts to stay and watch his siblings, so that may have had something to do with it. Now, we're coming up on the end of his senior and it doesn't look like he's going to graduate. He has to pass every single class to get enough credit and he's currently failing them all. DH has met with the school, counselors, psychologists, and talked with DSS over and over. DSS always has a plan but then does nothing. I haven't seen him open a book at our house the entire year. We're starting to just accept things and are going to let natural consequences be what they are. He's almost 18 and can't drive because our state is no pass/no drive. We have offered him FREE use of an extra vehicle and that wasn't enough to encourage him to at least  PASS his classes. We're not asking for A's. Yes, we're concerned (as is the school) that there's a mental health (maybe depression) component here and he's been going to counseling.

Anyway. DSS happens to be really interested (and has shown talent) in DH's professional field. DH has tried to encourage this, DSS will seem excited, then he'll go to his mom's and come home saying "mom is going to get me this (barely minimum wage) job and I won't really have to do anything!" I just see a big fat dead end coming up for this kid and it's heartbreaking. A few days ago DH was talking about an upcoming job he'll be traveling for. DSS17 interjected and said "I'm on spring break next week and don't have anything to do, maybe I could help?!" We were both pretty hesitant about this because DSS isn't super trustworthy and this is our business and livelihood! But DH decided to go out on a limb, spoke with his partner (who, coincidentally enough grew up with a uBPD mother), and had tentatively arranged to fly DSS in for the end of the project. DH's business partner is on a board for this specific field and would have been able to get DSS into a really prestigious internship had DSS impressed him with his work (which I fully believe he is capable of doing). This would have opened so many doors for DSS.

I'm sure you all know what's coming. DH emailed uBPDbm last night to fill her in and ask if DSS could go as next week is her week with the kids. She took an unnaturally long time to respond so we knew something was up. DSS went to her house for dinner last night, came home, and an email showed up. According to BM, DSS wasn't interested in going with DH. She had some "day trips" (visiting local places they've been numerous times) planned for their spring break and he'd really rather do that and go hiking with his friend.

This level of selfishness is just hard for me to comprehend. She did something similar a few years ago when DSS8 was diagnosed with dyslexia. We found, got him enrolled in, and paid for a really intensive tutoring program that she took us to court over because she didn't want him to go "during his time with her." I know things can change and you never know what the future has in store for someone but DSS17 doesn't have a ton of options at this point. Playing the tape out a little I don't think he'll graduate, he'll move in with his mom when he turns 18 (because there aren't any rules there), won't have a job or if he does can't get there because he doesn't have a license or car. I want the best for him but I'm also really fed up. He triangulates and uses the conflict between his parents (which I'm sure he also feels stuck in the middle of) to manipulate and avoid any responsibility for his situation. SO much of this is normal, teenage behavior, I get that, but it just feels so much more hopeless with a PD in his other ear telling him what he wants to hear. We can't even use the PD as a tool this time because uBPDbm has used DSS17 (as she has in the past) as her mouthpiece.

There's nothing else to do but wait and try to help him when he's ready. I guess I just needed to word vomit.

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acc1984

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Re: Sabotaging Futures
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2019, 01:26:30 PM »
I meant "We can't even use the PC-Parent Coordinator as a tool this time" not, PD.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Sabotaging Futures
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2019, 08:40:57 AM »
That's really sad and so difficult to sit back and watch this sort of thing unfold. It's good to be there to support DSS in any way possible despite the obstacles. We're here to listen when you need to unload this sort of thing.
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sonto92

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Re: Sabotaging Futures
« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2019, 11:59:07 PM »
ACC1984 - I'm in the same boat with my recently turned 16 y/o.  He just transferred to an alternative school because he "didn't want to do homework" and this decision was made with no input from me and against the recommendations of his previous school.  My plan is to stay involved in the ways that I can let the rest go.  My feelings are shared - I feel like my son is being setup for a lifetime of making excuses why he can't succeed.  In his case, it really has nothing to do with his academic ability - he's a very bright kid.  It sucks and I am sorry you are going though all of this - hang in there

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acc1984

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Re: Sabotaging Futures
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2019, 03:32:06 PM »
Thank you for your comment Sonto. I think you and my DH are in the same spot and you're doing your absolute best in the middle of an impossible situation.
I'm a little more at peace with everything lately that I was a few weeks ago. The kids came back from spring break and reported that they didn't do one. single. thing. during that week with their mom (she claimed to have all sorts of activities planned as the reason DSS couldn't go work with DH). It ended up being for the best because DH's project was much more involved than he expected and DSS may not have been able to help much. Regardless, there are only a few weeks of school left and I don't think it's possible for him to graduate at this point and he's still not working.
Like you, DH has done all he can do, I believe. He has met with the school counselors, psychologists, he continues to take DSS to therapy. We try really hard to make sure the kids don't feel like they have to choose sides, but as we all know, PD's don't play by those rules and DSS has very clearly chosen PDBM. As I said earlier, I'm predicting that when he turns 18 he'll move in with her full time so we'll have to see where he goes from there.
I think eventually he'll come back around to DH after all the plans and promises BM has made fail to come to fruition. DH's requirements are going to be the same "you can come here, live here for free, etc. but you have to have some sort of plan that you're working towards." Hopefully with a little age and maturity he'll be ready to embrace that. If not, like you, DH is just going to be there in whatever way he can.

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athene1399

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Re: Sabotaging Futures
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2019, 11:19:07 PM »
This must be so frustrating. I am so sorry you are going through this.