At least my status has been spelled out

[HeadAboveWater]

My husband is currently traveling on a multi-city trip. It's a trip I wanted to join him on, but I couldn't make the logistics work out to book things on short notice.

Last night my MiL texted my husband to ask if I was traveling with him. When he said no, she said she and my SiL were relieved because that meant our cat wasn't alone. The cat isn't self aware and has a perfectly competent sitter whom we've used for nearly five years. Meanwhile, I am alone at home and a little sad to miss a stop through the city where I was born, but this concerns my MiL and SiL far less than the welfare of the cat (not that they would ever call, text, or email to check up on me).

If there's one good thing to come of this, it's a clear demonstration that I rank below the cat. DH had long insisted that his parents love me, but just have trouble relating to me. It's a little harder to uphold that myth after tells like this.

[Poison Ivy]

In the back and forth that followed the situation that led me to go VLC with my former in-laws, my former father-in-law at first denied that he had been rude to me (it happened in front of my then-husband and our two daughters).  Eventually, he admitted doing what he had done but compared his behavior to a time when he was a young man doing some kind of work on horseback and he kicked the horse.  His statement wasn't very clear, but it wasn't an apology and it did seem to be saying that I was the equivalent of the horse.

[candy]

HeadAboveWater,

please keep your head right up there!

I know how it feels to have a DH in the FOG telling how his parents were loving me so much when every action they took was clearly telling the opposite. They have spelled out their fundamental rejection of me - or the function I have for DH - in the meantime, but still... I have to remind DH that MIL said out loud she never liked me and that I was the very wrong choice (in a bunch of wrong choices). The bad woman who stole her son.

I hope your DH answered properly? You do not rank below the cat! Please do not let those words get at you! Laugh about them if you can. Send them your cat's email so they can check on the cat 

I feel sorry for your MIL and SIL that they have to gang up and talk bad about you. If SIL doesn't know anything about this I would guess there is some triangulation going on. However, it does not only sound like a ranking but like a total misinterpretation of your role in your marriage. I am pretty sure your ,,job" is not being the cat's entertainer. Again, do not let them get at you. It is their ugly thoughts. It has to be an ugly world they are living in if their way to cheer them up is to talk bad about others.
Stay strong!

[HeadAboveWater]

I'm already vvvlc with these two. I see my MiL once a year and SiL twice a year. Neither contacts me directly (never has throughout the marriage, even before their masks slipped). I've known not to trust them with personal information, and I've been honest with myself and DH about my feelings long before I knew that PD was probably the reason.

It feels like MiL found a subtle way to bash me in a text to DH. It also feels like DH perceives it differently, so he didn't put a boundary in place with his mother. I feel I wasn't defended. By the way, DH has no problem telling off his boss, and part of his job has to do with crisis communications, so he has the skill set. I wish he hadn't sent me a screen shot of the texts. I don't know why, but this incident got under my skin this week.

[bloomie]

I don't know why, but this incident got under my skin this week.

Possibly because you expect this from your mil and sil, but you don't from your DH.

Like you, I have emotionally and physically detached from DH's family and rarely do they get beyond my kevlar vest that is strapped firmly over my heart (not going to say never), but when my DH demonstrates a lack of sensitivity and healthy boundaries in wisely and rightly discerning invalidating and dismissive behavior from my uPDmil and uPDsil toward me and passes it along, putting me in the position of once again pointing out the obvious and on my back foot in a defensive posture... well, that stings in a whole different way.

It goes to all the hard work and discussion and agreements between us and our DH's around sending consistent messages as a unit when these behaviors arise imv. Your mil and sil are giving the impression that they love what your DH loves and care so much about what he cares so much about... it just so happens it is not his wife they are using to pander to him and insert themselves in his head while simultaneously treat you as if you are invisible.

My hopes for you is that you will fill these days on your own with people who love you doing things that bring you rest, relaxation, and great joy. And that when your DH does get home and you have a quiet time together you can work through how to keep your messages consistent about what is acceptable and unacceptable to your in laws.