Adult child of PD mother

[Zippydog]

Hi. I just realized my mother probably has a personality disorder a few months ago. We always had a "close" relationship before last June, so this new realization still seems confusing. I think maybe I AM the one with the problem, just like she says. Then I talk over and over and over with my close friends and remember that what she does is not love. It feels so painful. I am filled with anxiety whenever I think about her, spend time with her, communicate with her, and most times inbetween when I think about our last exchanges.

The worst part started in June 2018 when I revealed to her that I remembered being locked in the garage and sexually abused by the neighbor when I was 7 and he was around 16. Her response was so irrational and strange. I knew instinctively that I had to be careful about my reveal so she didn't make it all about her and threaten suicide for being a bad mother. However, her response was even worse. She literally started crying and rubbing my arm, but then said, "You have some of the same behaviors I do, and *I* had a terrible childhood. And your dad never loved me, and I never loved him. I've never loved anyone or been loved in my whole life. Isn't that sad?" I was floored. I kept trying to bring the topic back to my realization that I had actually been RAPED by the neighbor, and she kept saying things like, "Why do you think your uncle is so screwed up? I feel like your sister is just my daughter but you and I are friends. You know what I mean? Don't you think we're best friends too?" I kept thinking, "Fuck no. My friends didn't respond like this to my reveal. This is unbelievable."

Somehow I managed to say everything I needed to, but I said I would never process this with her again. I told her if she needed to process this again, she would need to do that with her own support system. I also said she should not obsess about my childhood, and that if she needs to obsess about someone's childhood, she could look at her own.

Then 2 weeks later she called to say, "I was there for you when you told me about being locked in the neighbor's garage, but you have been ignoring me." I corrected her and said that in fact, she did not say anything supportive to me but rather made the whole conversation about herself. I reminded her that I was not going to process this again with her, that I was safe and had friends that would help me. She flew into a rage, and verbally attacked me for 20 minutes or more. She told me I was a liar, fucked up, broken, I was the only one who had a problem with her, that I had always been too sensitive and too needy. She provided an example of the latter that happened when I was in college, and I am now 51 years old. And her example did not "prove" my neediness. I kept trying to bring her back to sense and calm, I kept trying to defend and protect myself. It was horrible. She spent the rest of the summer trying to get me to apologize to her, offering me fauxpologies, saying things like I hurt and attacked her. I was very careful to not hit below the belt, call names even though she was spewing venom at me, etc. I did not attack her. I told her in July that I often felt suicidal. She never addressed this statement. Finally, after many emails she agreed that I deserved to heal however I needed to, and how sorry she was that I had been raped. I thought we were good, and even though I would be guarded in front of her in the future, that we could still have a relationship.

Then, two days after that huge wave of relief and calm letter from her, she called my sister, and the two of them called my niece and convinced her to cancel my trip to help her with her new baby because I was mentally unstable and shouldn't be around children. My niece even said she knew they were wrong and were "twisting" her, but she could not stand up to them. I was meant to fly out Oct. 1 and this was sept. 27. My sister sent me an email the next day to say she was sorry my trip wasn't going to work out. !! Then she said, "Obviously I care very much about you, which is why I felt compelled to tell my daughter about your mental health." I was gutted. I stopped interacting with either of them immediately, but my mother keeps trying to hoover me back.

She says things like, she doesn't remember saying the things I "accused" her of, maybe she is getting dementia, she misses me, I'm being unloving and not forgiving her, she felt hurt and attacked by me, etc. There has been no other kind of communication, and I never respond more than, "I'm not ready. I'll communicate when I'm ready" and she keeps on stalking me. My sister wrote me on Jan 1 to say I hurt her badly and she has NO IDEA why I won't talk to her now.

I finally finally had that lightbulb moment of OMG, they are not right in their thoughts. It isn't that they're mean or forgetful, etc. They are gaslighting me. They have never asked how I am doing with my healing from childhood rape. They have never asked if I am still suicidal. They have never offered help. It's always about how I have hurt them. So apparently our relationship would still be ok, if I just hadn't been so selfish as to need my family's support when I remembered being raped as a child. Nobody in my family has reached out to me about the rape or suicidal thoughts in the last 9 months. It is very upsetting, obviously, to think that nobody in my family cares whether I live or die. Nobody cares whether I am healed. My mom's and sister's "hurt feelings" are more important than my being LITERALLY hurt and attacked. It's exhausting. It's unfair. It's lonely. It's beyond sad.

The good news is, I have made great steps toward healing my co-dependence. I no longer feel depressed or suicidal. I "graduated" myself from therapy after a year of individual and 6 months of group. I have spent a lot of time and energy deepening some relationships so I have great friends now. My partner is so supportive, and he even started to go to therapy after watching me heal and blossom. Our relationship is transformed. My adult son has a better relationship with me, and he has healed some of his childhood wounds as well.

I sometimes still feel like I need help deciding how to respond to my mom's stalking. I don't know how or if I can or want to go No Contact. I know I am not strong enough to have good boundaries around her. She is engulfing and relentless. She triangulates, reads my emails to my siblings, texts me pretending to be my dad, tries to restart circular conversations, badmouths my dad, pesters my brother's wife about me, etc. I feel like she is overwhelming. She doesn't and never has respected anyone's boundaries. I know no matter how vigilant I will be, she will not quit. And I just don't want to put that kind of energy into this any longer. I don't want to be vigilant. I already have stress-related physical ailments b/c of hypervigilance. I just want it all to end now. I know it can never go back to light and fun. I just want her to stop badgering me. I just keep ignoring her.

Thank you for listening. It has been cathartic to just summarize this and say it all. I am sorry you have all gone through things like this too, and I am grateful for any knowledge and support you can share.

[ferret_friend]

Hello Zippydog, from one new user to another. You've been through and are still going through a lot. I don't have much advice for your specific situation but I wanted you to know you are heard.

[coyote]

Hi Zippydog and welcome to Out of the FOG. Your story is a common one here. You will find a lot of folks here who believe you and understand what you are going through. I'd suggest starting out at the Toolbox. It is full of useful information and has been invaluable to many of us here. As you settle in check out the boards. The Dealing with Parents board is very active and you will get a lot of support there. I hope this site ends up being as helpful to you as it has to me.