Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind

  • 10 Replies
  • 931 Views
*

anxiousmom

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 69
Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« on: March 28, 2019, 10:19:05 PM »
Mediation is tomorrow. ExBPDh currently pays less than 5% of his income in child support (state standard is 20%). I gave him a great deal because, as we all do at first, I had sympathy (I know better now) and wanted to give him a chance to get on his feet. He JUST amended his petition to request a decrease in the child support he currently pays. A decrease from 4.5% of his income. At the same time he's asking for more responsibility.  :stars: :stars: :stars:

I have to wonder at this point if he is taking his attorney's advice or if he's so far off the rails he's just calling the shots. I can't imagine this will look good to a mediator or to a judge when they find out how much he pays. And this is the man whose only reason for asking for all of this is because he "has a house, a mortgage, makes good money, has a 401K and votes."

It boggles the mind.

*

Penny Lane

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1980
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 10:03:36 AM »
I bet he’s trying to fluster you. Don’t let the latest nonsense distract you from the goal of mediation, remember your bottom line!
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 10:28:13 AM by Penny Lane »

*

coyote

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 5705
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2019, 11:02:07 AM »
 :yeahthat: I am for fathers paying all the child support they can. Been there and done it myself. Bottom line is a single mom with kids needs all the help they can get.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

*

openskyblue

  • Guest
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2019, 12:16:52 PM »
I'm going to offer this in the spirit of trying to be supportive:  Don't waste your time trying to figure out what your ex is trying to do.

This won't get you anywhere but inside his brain, exactly the place no one wants to be, probably not even him. It won't help you.

My advice is to stick to your guns and negotiate through the mediator for the full amount of child support and whatever else you want. Be all business, but polite and friendly with the mediator. Believe me, they will appreciate quickly that you are the sane one they are dealing with here quickly. The mediator will go back and forth and hammer out any deal that is to be made. There's no psychological analysis  element to mediation or divorce -- or family law, really -- so, now is the time to be all business and go for it.

*

athene1399

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1314
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2019, 11:41:24 AM »
Quote
Don't waste your time trying to figure out what your ex is trying to do. This won't get you anywhere but inside his brain, exactly the place no one wants to be
Great advice, OBS! I'm trying to following this myself but have a habit of trying to figure out "what is she planning?".  But the more i hear others mention not to do it, I feel it is helping it sink in.

So, Anxious mom, how did it go?

*

anxiousmom

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 69
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2019, 11:59:35 AM »
Well, we didn't get far but it wasn't totally pointless. The mediator had a conflict that came up that caused us to start late (10:30 am). She was in their room for an hour and a half first, by the time she got to us , it was lunch time. We spent a small amount of time with her and then she wanted to break for lunch.  Lunch break was incredibly long before she came back.

We had agreements that his child support go up, that he start paying for half of school and extra curricular, and that he owes me arrearages for previous school and extracurricular. He wants to jump straight to unsupervised visits. I said absolutely not. Then they gave another offer that includes supervised visits for one month (so only a handful of times) by some lady who is also a bailiff (not experienced with mental health). Also not acceptable. Then it was time to go, so possession/visitation schedule was not discussed at length.

The mediator recommended a particular supervisor, who I want to use. Now the hurdle is that he doesn't want to pay for it, because he doesn't think he needs one. The experts have all said he should be the one to pay for it- if he is the one who wants to prove these things, then it's on him. His attorney said I should be prepared to pay half. Hoping the mediator can reset that expectation. Also hoping I can convince him to push the trial date and continue working with me. We will see.

*

Penny Lane

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1980
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2019, 12:17:10 PM »
anxiousmom, that sounds like great progress! That's more than DH ever got BM to agree to in one go. It sounds like you're headed to a really good outcome -- much better than joint custody. Hang in there, you're doing a great job with an impossible situation!
« Last Edit: April 05, 2019, 12:20:57 PM by Penny Lane »

*

athene1399

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1314
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2019, 12:19:54 PM »
I agree. I know you aren't happy with all of it and this isn't the final result, but it sounds like a lot of good things happened. :)

*

anxiousmom

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 69
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2019, 12:30:10 PM »
Thanks, you guys. You have been a tremendous help in this.

*

openskyblue

  • Guest
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2019, 12:31:30 PM »
The mediator recommended a particular supervisor, who I want to use. Now the hurdle is that he doesn't want to pay for it, because he doesn't think he needs one. The experts have all said he should be the one to pay for it- if he is the one who wants to prove these things, then it's on him. His attorney said I should be prepared to pay half. Hoping the mediator can reset that expectation. Also hoping I can convince him to push the trial date and continue working with me. We will see.

It seems diagnostic that he is refusing to pay for this -- and doesn't think he needs supervision. If he were truly seeing his own shortcomings and wanted to make a good faith step as a full parent, he would be offering to pay for the supervision and not trying to put such a short limit on future supervised visits. My recommendation is to bottom line it that he pays for supervision by a mutually agreed upon supervisor. The supervision restriction will be lifted after assessment by a family therapist, social worker, GAL, etc. and after that has been reviewed by and been found acceptable by a judge. This is the welfare of children that is at stake, not "simply" custody.

Way to go sticking to your guns. It sounds like you have a stronger backbone than your attorney.

*

hhaw

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 3604
Re: Mediation eve - and I think he's lost his mind
« Reply #10 on: April 08, 2019, 10:27:32 AM »
Insisting on supervised visitation really upsets the PD's applecart, IME.

I don't know that your PD will be able to come to grips with it AND paying for it, but I would hesitate to push back the court date, bc it might be the only thing that forces the PD to settle, IME.

If and when he does settle, have that Agreement hand written, and signed rigtht then and there.... don't cancel any court until that's done.

I think the PDs will jerk us around until they can't jerk us around any more, IME.

Court has always been the quickest way out of a law suit for me, and I wish I'd spent less time fearing it, and more time leaning into it.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt