Popsicles....seriously?? It's never enough

[11JB68]

Sorry, this is really just a rant. I tried to mc this as much as possible, and it's passed for now.
Anyone who's seen my other posts won't be shocked.
Was berated tonight by uOCPDh for about 10 minutes because somehow I didn't get the "right" popsicles. So frustrating.
I so want to tell him to go to the store himself and buy his own popsicles!!
But that would result in fighting, circular arguments, Blame shifting. Etc.
So mc it is.
I still really wish there was a hidden camera here so an outsider could see this stuff. I can't make this stuff up.
The problem being I had a run in at work recently with a possibly pd co worker, haven't recovered from that, have been sick with a cold this week, stressed at work....this almost felt like a last straw for me. Ugh.
Truly no matter how much I do for him it is never enough...

[Whiteheron]

I saw this on the batsh*t thread and almost laughed at the absurdity of a grown man throwing a tanty over popsicles. They really are something, aren't they?

I went through a similar situation a few years ago, when I didn't have the "right" brand of peanut butter in the size jar he preferred. Instead, I had bought a brand with lower sugar content that DS liked better on his peanut butter sandwiches (stbx does not eat pb sandwiches). He was so angry, he stood there and yelled - actually dared me to go into the pantry to find 'his' brand of pb. I knew I still had a small jar of stbx's preferred brand in the pantry that I had just used the week prior. But for some reason I couldn't find it. I knew right where it should have been, but it wasn't there. I had to admit I couldn't find it to stbx.

You would not believe the raging that ensued - well, maybe you would. I received lectures on proper shopping technique, making lists (and actually following them) for the grocery store. It went on and on. He finally admitted that he threw the pb away in the trash and threatened me if I were to go and retrieve it. He claimed the small jar had gone rancid, since there was a thin sheen of oil on the top.    He then told me he'd taken the trash out so there was zero chance I could rescue the offending jar. I tried explaining the concept of oil separation and even pointed out that it said directly on the jar "some oil separation is normal", but he was having none of it. It was my fault he had no pb.


I'm sorry to hear the popsicle incident happened right after your coworker run-in. It's almost as if they sense we are down and chose that moment to start raging. I would always think to myself that stbx was never happy unless I was miserable or crying because of his insults. Then he would pick on me more.

It will never be enough. The bar keeps moving. Hit one 'goal' and the bar moves ten steps ahead. We can never catch up.

[11JB68]

Thanks WhiteHeron for the validation and empathy.
Most folks outside of Out of the FOG would not even believe that this stuff is happening.
It is truly absurd.
Sometimes I really want to say to him, 'do you hear yourself'??
If our DS EVER reacted that way to Anything uOCPDh would call him 'spoiled' (so much projection with him...)
I've already been having one of those periods where I am just "DONE" with everything/everyone, wish I could learn to just be a B*tc& to everybody and do what I want without caring....alas it is not in my nature.
He later apologized, etc. but the apologies (although I know I'm lucky to get them as many here never do) don't ring true...for me, the damage is done...I've done NOTHING to deserve being spoken to like that, and when he apologizes he pretty much admits that he's just stressed about other things (i.e. taking it out on me). Not okay.
Plus when he started in on me, we had been watching tv and I had fallen asleep, I had JUST woken up (so 1) was not alert enough to consciously follow the toolbox very well and 2) I know he would be so angry if he woke up and I started yelling at or nagging him when he wasn't quite awake yet).
Sorry - ranting again...thanks again for listening and relating!
And Whiteheron I'm so sorry you suffered similar raging/etc w/your stbx...it is so exhausting and we do not deserve it.

[logistics]

It must have been some PD night. PD was upset about his keys. If course it's my fault. What I hate is having to explain myself for their action or being at fault for their shortcomings. It wears on a person.

[11JB68]

Logistics, remember, 'Explain' is the 'E' in JADE...

[11JB68]

A follow up to my popsicle story.
Only because only the folks here can begin to understand...
Experience tells me if i do nothing We'll have the same fight again.
Yet I have to be logical/methodical/with evidence and yet not jade...
Waited till we were almost out of popsicles. Went to the store. Took pics with my phone of the available popsicles. Tail end of our nightly how was your day chat, I said I want to discuss popsicles with you.
Proceeded to tell him which kind I bought, and the others that were available (as in 'what would you have done'). (Well of course he wouldn't want the Disney princess ones.,.)
It went on longer than it should have, but no fighting...
He really could not come up with any better option or explanation.
As ridiculous as it was (and honestly it did trigger me a bit and I was pretty irritated after...I mean again, this is a grown man...)... At least I feel like I've precluded any paranoia or gas lighting around future popsicle crises by use of pure logic and photographic evidence that I am not purposely depriving him of some better popsicles...
 
At least living with his uOCPD had taught me some skills... 
Ugh. It is exhausting.

[Associate of Daniel]

New word for pd craziness:

Popsiclegate.

I've experienced many of these over the years.

It's enough to make you want to eat a whole box of...popsicles.

AOD

[11JB68]

😂
AOD 'popsiclegate'
I LOVE THAT
That really made me smile....
I'm going to try to start using that with other stuff too....
Thank you.

[11JB68]

More seriously though, the more I think about this and similar situations, I can see and understand where there is a deep feeling in him that he doesn't deserve good things or that he's learned to expect the worst, that unless he demands he will not get, etc. I know this comes from probably/partly something in the way he was raised. It makes me sad. To truly believe that your wife, who loves you, would purposely buy you bad popsicles of all things... This is a sad thing. Yet, I also understand that many people with as bad or worse upbringing learn not to feelthis way. And the fact that he doesn't have the insight or self awareness to see how the way he acts on his feelings hurts the very people who have only tried to love and help him. Back when I thought I could fix it and would get in circular arguments and JADE, I would try to make him understand how hurtful it is to me, when I put SO much effort into pleasing him, that he would find the ONE little thing that wasn't perfect and try to make me feel that I had failed...that I'd end up feeling that ALL of those other good things were rendered meaningless....he didn't get it.

[GentleSoul]

With my uPD H I don't think it is about the actual thing, it is just an excuse for a rant and rage to release the anger that builds in him.

Whether it be about a popsicle or whatever.  I visualise it as a hook to hang his rant on!  He is like pressure cooker with the pressure and tension building up inside over the days or weeks, it needs to escape.  So any hook to hang it on will do.

It used to be criticism of me, but I have trained him not to do this.  Now it will be hung on something equally trivial as popsicles. 

Or something someone else who is none of his business is doing!

[11JB68]

Annnnddd....back to the popsicles again. Updh: these are the good ones. Me: they're the same. Updh: no they're not.

Ugh. Same. Damn. Popsicles.
Maybe the mfg facility screws up a batch now and then. Or puts extra flavor in some batches by mistake. I have zero control over what is in the box. I buy the same exact brand, flavor, type.

[1footouttadefog]

Could be about the popcycles or od symptom originating in his head like for examole paranoia about the popcycles.

Could be direct abuse like gaslighting.

In my world I would consider the possibility its a  diversion of some sort.  Every so often mine wilk cause a diversion, with a trivia outburst, and I have to wonder what sound or sight he needed a cover for.  Ie maybe he needs to take something across a hallway, needs to stash some laundry item, to toss something in a closet or cabinet without notice etc.

[bohemian butterfly]

New word for pd craziness:

Popsiclegate.

I've experienced many of these over the years.

It's enough to make you want to eat a whole box of...popsicles.

AOD

I loved this too!  😂

11JB68,

I'm so sorry that happened, how completely frustrating!   

Your story got me thinking about all the misc things I've done "wrong" and have needed "correcting" 🤪.

How I load the dishwasher (he rearranges it after I put my dishes away)

How I make the bed (he remakes it).  Now I don't even bother. 

How I put the groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket

How I put the grocery bags in the car

How I collect the chicken eggs and put them away. He asks me every day if I've checked here and there....

How I park the car in the driveway (too close or too far from the barn)

How I use the emergency parking brake when I park (he thinks it's silly)

How I raise the baby chicks (he thinks they should join the flock waaaay earlier than they should)

He'll also make suggestions after I talk to him about my therapy session.  He went to therapy once (years ago) after his divorce for like 3 sessions, but now he's a "therapist"

😳🤪

Oh, and in so far, I've bought the wrong:

-Ham steak
-Butter
-toilet paper! 🤔
-paper towels
-bagels
-beer

-

[bohemian butterfly]

I can add another task that I apparently can't do right. 

-feeding the pigs

Boyfriend left for the day, so I was responsible for dinner feeding (pigs, goats, chickens).  I fed everyone (sent him a text saying this) and he asks me when he got home if I fed everyone.  Hey then asked if I collected eggs.  Yes and yes.   It's 9:00 at night, and I'm headed to bed; he just asked me if I left any feed.  Yes, I left a little....  well evidently I wasn't supposed to feed them a full meal because we are out of feed.  He was exasperated with me.

Ok, why didn't he pick up feed today when he was out?   It's sooooo frustrating.  Nothing I do is right even when I try.  I know I'm a good person and a hard worker.  I'm so sick of him implying that I'm not good enough.   I can't wait to leave.  Sooooo not happy.   Unlike my childhood (my mother was a perfectionist and critical) I'm free to leave.   

[Whiteheron]

Bohemian,
You could have done everything perfectly and he would have still found fault with it...or something else. In the case of my stbx, he just couldn't seem to help himself. If he did admit I did something right, he would look at me suspiciously and make some kind of degrading comment about how even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut or something along those lines.