Does a restraining order even matter?

[topaz]

My diagnosed-NPD exH and I share 50/50 custody of my DS, 5. It's not fun, but it is what it is. It's been almost two years since our divorce was finalized, and we haven't had any real additional court battles since aside from needing to take him to court once to get him to pay his agreed amount for childcare.

My biggest concern since leaving NPDexH has not been that he would abuse my DS directly, but that my DS would end up witnessing the type of abuse that I experienced once NPDexH got into a new relationship: the emotional and verbal abuse and eventually the sexual/physical abuse. Our divorce agreement says that NPDexH must be in therapy, but he's found a therapist (not trained in personality disorders) to charm and chat with every other week and I don't think he's really being held accountable there.

For much of the last year, NPDexH lived with a girlfriend, whom DS loved and called his "stepmom". I genuinely appreciated her presence in DS's life, since she clearly loved him and was a stabilizing influence. I was, however, worried about what she might be experiencing (and what DS might be witnessing).

After they broke up, the ex-girlfriend and I ended up connecting on Facebook and we agreed to meet up in person. I think we were both curious about each other, wanted to support each other after the difficult experience of the relationship, and she said she had something to share with me.

What she shared was upsetting, though not surprising: her relationship with NPDexH was marked by escalating emotional manipulation and abuse, and ended when a fight became physical. An argument had escalated, she walked into the hall of the apartment building (so that she could be in a more public place), but NPDexH physically pulled her to the ground and dragged her back into the apartment. This happened in front of DS, even while DS was saying, "Stop yelling. Stop fighting."

Though she left the relationship shortly after that fight, NPDexH began coming into the Starbucks where she worked, staying for hours each day and often bringing DS with him. She told her manager, the manager told NPDexH that he wasn't welcome, and NPDexH continued to stalk her. She told me that this past winter, she sought and obtained a five-year restraining order against NPDexH for domestic violence and stalking. She told me that she'd be willing "share that paperwork" with me if I thought it would be helpful in my own court proceedings.

I've shared this information with my attorney, and I'm still awaiting to hear her thoughts. But I'm venting because I'm worried that it just doesn't matter. It didn't matter to the custody arrangements that NPDexH had abused me (emotionally/physically/sexually) and that I'd obtained temporary restraining orders. It didn't matter because the abuse wasn't against DS specifically, only against me. And, moreover, I was no longer "inciting" the behavior from NPDexH since I'd left, so the court viewed it as a non-issue in DS's current parenting. So I'm worried that it doesn't matter again - the exgirlfriend said the abuse was against her, not DS, and she's no longer present to "incite" the abuse for DS to witness.

I can barely afford the attorney and additional court issues as it is. I'm worried about bankrupting myself for reopening custody hearings when the end result is going to still be the same custody arrangement, but with an angrier and more difficult NPDexH. But I feel that I can't not take some action, since the thing that concerns me the most is objectively a really valid concern.

And, of course, the exgirlfriend (who was still lovingly concerned about DS) raised all the same additional concerns that I have: What will happen when DS is no longer being idolized? When will NPDexH have a time of erratic, dangerous driving when DS is in the car with him? What kind of emotional manipulation/abuse is already happening, and will DS suppress his own identity to appease his dad, or will he express his individuality and incite rage?

Meanwhile, DS is acting out a bit at preschool, pinching/hitting/throwing "instead of using his words" (per his teacher's comments). His teachers generally don't have difficulty with him, and all in all he's a normal, thoughtful five-year-old (and even 5-year-olds with perfect parental role models still throw things in preschool!). But I can't help but think that he's learning some of those responses to frustration from his father, whom he idolizes.

End rant for now. I'll update when I have my attorney's suggestions.

[coyote]

Oh topaz I understand the pain you are feeling. I will give you my take on things and hope it helps. I would not spend a lot of money on lawyers trying to renegotiate the custody arrangement. You basically have nothing documented that would sway the court he is a bad dad. Kids witness arguments all the time between parents. I'm not discounting what you say, just saying how a judge would view it.

You ask, "What will happen when DS is no longer being idolized? When will NPDexH have a time of erratic, dangerous driving when DS is in the car with him? What kind of emotional manipulation/abuse is already happening, and will DS suppress his own identity to appease his dad, or will he express his individuality and incite rage?"

These are questions and fears you have little or no control over. There is a part of the poem Desiderata that says,

"Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."

My advice is be there for DS. Provide a safe and loving home for him. Be the role model of the behavior you expect from him. Look at Adler and what he says on misbehavior goals and consequences vs. punishment. Keep a watchful eye but not overly so. That is just my take and if others, or you, disagree I take no offense. Again I hope this helps.

[topaz]

Thank you, Coyote. That is also what I suspect: that this is something to document, but won't actually make a legal difference in and of itself. It is frustrating because it makes me feel so powerless, to watch my son be a witness to this behavior (and to know that witnessing such behavior can itself be psychologically harmful).

So in the midst of feeling powerless, I deeply appreciate the poem you quote, especially, "Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune." I may be weak legally right now, but I can still nurture and model strength of spirit. And part of that type of strength is not allowing things I can't control to control me and my emotions.

Still, I so deeply wish that things could be different.

[Penny Lane]

Oh topaz, I'm sorry, that all sounds very scary and I can see why you're so worried! Your son should NOT have to witness this sort of behavior in his dad.

I'm a little less anti going to court than coyote is, though I agree that it's not something to be taken lightly. My DH recently went back to court with his ex. It was expensive, time-consuming, and stressful - but it was ultimately worth it, and the kids are now in a much better position. I think if you do go to court you need to build a case, pick your moment and be strategic about what you ask for.

When it comes to going back to court, I'd ask yourself some questions: Is a judge going to care about this/is it provable? And what are you hoping to get out of it/will there be long term changes that are enforceable? In other words, is it worth it? The justice system is slow and inadequate in dealing with PDs, in my experience.

On the first half of that: I think the piece of it that the judge will care the most about is that your ex is bringing his kid along to stalk an ex and that he was physically abusive toward her in front of your son. By that I mean, they're going to be less concerned about your ex's violence against his girlfriend (it pains me to even write that) but they might be concerned that your son had to see it. I do think you can prove it because there is a restraining order. I think what you'd need to nail it down is that the ex specifically mentions the kid in the application or if she's willing to somehow tell the judge what happened to her.

The second half is trickier. I see a couple options for things you could ask the judge for. In the short term, you could ask for something like, he has to take a domestic violence class. He's not allowed to have a significant other around your son for a certain amount of time at the beginning of a dating relationship. No overnights with a significant other. I mean obviously he could be ordered to not abuse a significant other in front of your son. But I worry that none of these would be very enforceable and probably wouldn't lead to changes in your ex's behavior.

Longer term, I think the biggest victory would be that your son is with you more. I'd be less hopeful that you can convince the judge to do that this go-around. The evidence you do have is kind of in a "limbo" area. It's really objectively bad, like you said, but maybe not so bad that the judge would put severe limits on his parenting time.

You might be able to brainstorm other provisions of the parenting plan that could be reasonably changed in response to this. You know more than I do about your ex and the parenting plan than I do, obviously.

I hear you about wanting to DO SOMETHING. I think the best way to use this information in court is to down the line describe a pattern of bad behavior as you're asking the court to give you more parenting time/decisionmaking power. So you can take the info from the ex and file it away for that time. Or, you could ask the court to intervene now in a smaller way, like having him take a domestic violence class. There are major drawbacks - expense and emotional energy - but the benefit would be that the court has a record of your ongoing concerns about domestic violence.

If you decide to just file it away, you can do something in the form of really supporting your son, affirming his feelings and working with him on expressing his anger in an appropriate way. I feel like in many cases that's ultimately the most helpful thing for kids in this situation, often better than their parents being in a protracted court battle.

I'm sorry that there isn't a better answer here. I know how powerless it feels to watch your kid (in my case stepkids) going through something no kid should have to see. And the court system just doesn't have a mechanism to protect kids from abusive parents, unless it is a life or death situation.

[hhaw]

I think the statistics still hold with dv being as detrimental to children who witness it, as those suffering it.

DV in front of children is abuse.

[Liftedfog]

Can you call childrens aid?   They would be your biggest advocate and they are free.

[Poison Ivy]

As in so many areas, there is what the laws say and what judges and other players in the court system will actually do.  With that caution, I suggest you look at your state's child placement and visitation laws (almost certainly available for free online and usually not very hard to navigate).  In my state, the judge can consider a number of factors when making the initial placement and visitation order and when making modifications.  One of those factors, in my state, is whether there is evidence of domestic abuse.  I think the evidence of domestic abuse can include evidence of domestic abuse committed against someone other than the other parent, for example, against another romantic partner or former romantic partner.  The restraining order would be evidence.

As for what to do right now, document everything about the situation, preferably online, so that you have date stamps; and consider calling your state's bar association, to see if they have an "ask a lawyer one question for free" service.  My state does.

Best wishes.  I hope nothing bad happens!