They are back WITH gifts

[NynaeveAM]

Three months of peace because DH was LC, thanks to the efforts of our marriage therapist and myself. Our marriage counselling ended around a month ago because we were doing great. DH has been going to individual therapy - but missed it this week because he forgot to schedule it. Last week was a break because we went on a mini-holiday. So all of a sudden, he springs it on me that PD ILs are visiting this weekend. I remembered he brought it up two weeks ago but I told him I wasn't ready and we had a big fight. He invited them anyway. They're staying at a hotel and I don't have to meet them; he thinks that makes up for him extending that invitation without my consent. He then proceeds to go and spend the entire day with them. I had no idea that he'd been having lengthy conversations with him over the phone in the last weeks. They wanted to know what they've done to make him and me angry. I've posted here before, but I can still make a short summary. Basically, our marriage had to stay secret for two years because DH couldn't find it in himself to tell his parents. We were secretly married while having to pretend that our lives weren't what they were. On top of that, ILs are also xenophobic towards immigrants, and I happen to be one. That's just a short summary of our relationship. Last Christmas, DH finally left them a letter telling them that we're married and a host of other trauma from childhood. MIL's only response to the marriage bit was to ask whether I had done it so I could stay legally in their country. Apart from that, she ended up sending some super-racist gifts just to prove her point. It's been three months since then and things were getting better but it seems like DH was keeping me in the dark while continuing to look the other way about his super-possessive, super-jealous mother.

They brought gifts today, which DH accepted. He brought those home because he "wanted us to open them together". WTH? We were LC and spent a fortune on therapy and now suddenly he wants me to sit down and open a bunch of wedding gifts? I see the gifts as a HUGE red flag. I feel that it's an insincere gesture and an attempt to rope us into the previous level of relationship we had with ILs. But DH insists that his parents are sincere. He said they sat down and talked about everything (yes, 30 years of history with him plus the last 4ish years of knowing me in a couple of hours) and now everything is clear. And he doesn't understand why I'm upset.

The question is that what am I supposed to do now? I don't want to open these gifts and I feel that by accepting them DH has pretty much destroyed whatever progress we made in the last months. I asked him to give some time before scheduling meetings with his parents again - but I was so angry and hurt because I didn't even factor into these guys' apologies or talks - it's all about them - all about their relationship - and nothing whatsoever about me and what I've had to put up with. And the fact that our marriage hasn't even begun to recover from the damage these people did. Am I overreacting? I want to be able to find a way to calm myself as I totally lost it today and yelled at DH. I hardly yell. I fear that I have to go back to therapy (I stopped going around October last year because I lost my job and I couldn't easily afford it). 

[qcdlvl]

Since he engineered this "reconciliation" or whatever it is behind your back and without your input, you have zero obligation to participate. If you don't want to to open the gifts, don't, let your DH deal with them.
What do you want as the endgame for you regarding your ILs? Do you want to remain NC, funerals-only contact, do you want to have a civil if superficial relationship (and if so, with what conditions and so on?)? If you intend to have children, what level of contact between them and your ILs would you be OK with? While your ILs sound awful, it doesn't seem realistic, at least in the short term, that your DH will go NC with them - visits like this might not be so very bad if they allow you to remain NC, though it's logical that you're upset that it was all planned behind your back.

[NynaeveAM]

Thanks for putting it in perspective for me, I was so stressed out about the "reconciliation"; first, because it came as a total surprise. I knew they wanted to come into town "to talk" at one point but I didn't know it would be this soon or even this weekend. For myself, I have severe PTSD and encounters with ILs make it worse because they are sometimes openly racist. So I aim for a funeral-only contact, or once a year if at all. I guess that would be vLC? I don't have them online, neither do we text since the last time MIL caused me to have a total breakdown when she insisted I attend her birthday while a neo-nazi rally took place in her town. I clearly look foreign 

I think I can adjust that DH wants to meet his parents. But he starts insisting that I do to. He's trying to guilt me into opening the gifts they brought. He also tried to guilt me into meeting them for dinner. ILs acted really weird too by what he told me. They kept wanting to see me and were badgering him about it. They don't even like me, I don't know why they insist. They said they were staying the night at a hotel but at the end of the evening, they decided to drive back to their town 400 miles away. I guess they assumed they'd be getting an invitation to stay at our place?

[Entj]

Hi NynaeveAM, I'm sorry you're going through this. Many of us here know the pain of feeling betrayed by our spouse when they do stuff behind our back. I agree with qldlvl, you don't have to open the gifts, since this reconciliation was organized without your knowledge in the first place.

Many members here aim for different levels of contact between the spouses. Your DH was raised in this dysfunctional family, thus for him cutting contact will be tremendously more difficult than it would be for you. Having said that, you have also the right to choose the level of contact you're comfortable with too and DH should accept your choice. If you don't have kids yet, be prepared that this gets a lot trickier, as the in-laws use the grandkids as an excuse for more contact.

Breathe in... Breathe out... This too shall pass! 

[qcdlvl]

I think that something that helps deal with this sort of situation (the gifts, the visit) is "if you  make plans without me, you make plans without me." Something else that I think might be helpful is to remember "my stuff, your stuff" (I think it's in the Toolbox). Your Dh remaining in contact with his parents is his stuff - but your level of contact is your stuff. Focusing on your stuff might make enforcing your boundaries easier - I think in general this is crucial, as giving in to guilt trips/nagging/etc only sends the message that that's what it takes for you to give in.

[H_Allison]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Just reading your initial post reminded me of the many times DH left me feeling betrayed and unsupported throughout our journey to where we are today- which is by no means perfect, but definitely better. I was instantly brought back to that heartbroken feeling.

After encouragement from my own inner circle and a lot of time and reflection alone, I was able to articulate these feelings to DH, which seemed to help our marriage more than just talking about the behavior. Maybe this might be constructive for you too...? When DH and I prioritized communicating about how we felt in these situations instead of what we naturally wanted to focus on (ILs behavior/demands/actions), our decision-making started to feel more affirming and supportive of our marriage and goals. When he knew that I was feeling betrayed, no matter what he intended or thought I should be feeling, we talked it through and he was then able to mitigate that feeling better moving forward. Similarly, when he was feeling anxious or 'stuck', we would talk it through and make a plan as a unit moving forward. It wasn't overnight or instant. But it did shift our conversations to something we could control (how we were supporting our partner) rather than something we couldn't (ILs and their craziness). Maybe this would make it clear to your DH how although he might need you to support him in his relationship with his parents, he also needs to support you in your boundaries with them.