How long did it take

Associate of Daniel · March 28, 2019, 08:09:50 AM

... for your child/ren to grow tired of the pd?

Particularly if they started living with them as part of a custody change that the child wanted

I fear I'm going to lose my ds12 for good if his uNPD smum gets her claws into him, and it's not looking too good for me to keep custody.

Can anyone give me some encouraging stories?

AOD

mamato3 · March 28, 2019, 08:47:47 AM

Quote from: Associate of Daniel on March 28, 2019, 08:09:50 AM
... for your child/ren to grow tired of the pd?

Particularly if they started living with them as part of a custody change that the child wanted

I fear I'm going to lose my ds12 for good if his uNPD smum gets her claws into him, and it's not looking too good for me to keep custody.

Can anyone give me some encouraging stories?

AOD

I feel like it's quite common for the teen years to bring about a pretty realistic view of a child's parents. Sometimes, also, being in closer proximity can make it less possible for a PD to hide their true feelings and behaviors from his/her child. I am sorry you feel as though you will lose custody - it's so unfair.

coyote · March 28, 2019, 08:49:01 AM

AOD,
Children are fickle things and we have so little control over them, especially at 12 and beyond. My 2 from my divorce have decided to side with their mom and have no contact with me. Of course they are grown adult now and that is their choice. I know they are missing out a lot by having no contact with me and my DW but again, that is their choice. Sorry AOD I could not be more encouraging but that is my story. Hope yours turns out differently.

hhaw · March 28, 2019, 09:07:36 AM

I can't imagine a Judge changing custody in a situation without major changes in the situation.

To me, it appears your ex is manufacturing chaos, and reasons to uproot your son and the situation.

He's manufacturing expenses, where family resources could be spent on the families.

He's attempting to frame your son's view of you in negative ways for the ex's benefit in this court case.

I haven't seen any indication that the ex acts in son's best interests.

None.

IS there any change in circumstances PD is pointing to?

It appears the PD is creating fear, and hoping you sabotage yourself, IMO

Remember to speak about PD and his w with compassion, and keep your cool. Don't make son feel defensive.

Magnolia34 · March 28, 2019, 10:18:52 AM

Very interested in this as well as we are in the middle of a hard situation. I just posted about some issues with DSS17. I think he's realized that his uBPDbm doesn't have his best interest in mind but he also uses her as a tool to avoid any sort of help or consequences from his dad, my DH. I would have probably done the same thing at his age. I'm also seeing some PD fleas, I think. He's getting very good at manipulating and playing the victim.

People keep telling me that "the kids are going to grow up and see her for what she is" but that just doesn't feel likely.

Stepping lightly · March 28, 2019, 11:06:48 AM

We actually went through this, and it did play out in an interesting way.

Our experience pre-change was EXTREMELY volatile. There was no change in circumstances other than BM trying to prove DH was an incapable parent.

The kids were given the ability to choose their custody at a young age (9 and 11) even under the court's knowledge that there was proven Parental Alienation. The kids chose BM, it was heartbreaking as you can imagine.

DH didn't fight it, we had everyone against us at that point. I thought the regret would take months to settle in for the kids, but it settled in the very next time we saw them. Both kids were devastated over the changes, said they were scared not to pick BM and wanted to go back to the old arrangement. They thought it would "make her happy" and she would get better. We are 2.5 years out now- DSS is the scapegoat and he desperately wants to live with us....but we can't figure out a way to undo what was done. BM would just accuse us of alienation. She has also had DSS diagnosed as mentally ill AFTER he told her he wanted to live with us. The professionals were aware of this, but they didn't stand up for DSS, so she has that in her pocket now too (I do think he knows he is not mentally ill...which is helpful). DSD on the other hand is the GC so she recovered from her despair and is not doing whatever she has to to maintain her position with BM. We worry that she will herself develop a PD :-(

So- all that being said, I think it depends on what happens "after". In our situation, DH became unreachable for BM, and she had to refocus her rage- which landed on DSS. I imagine the PDs could become complacent and just ignore the child once they got what they wanted, or they give them everything they ever desired to keep them from the other parent.

Rose1 · March 28, 2019, 10:00:20 PM

I also don't see a change in circumstances. Plus ex left mediation in a rage, with witnesses. That in itself should be brought up in court, I'd he couldn't keep it together there you have grave fears for ds. Also evidence of alienation. And seriously? The step parent should be out of the equation. Her views mean zip in this issue. You ex is never home. You're not only the fit parent, you ARE the parent. She isn't and really if your ex isn't around much and can't keep his temper asking for supervised visitation as a counter offer might slow things down or provoke some interesting behaviour from him in court. Whether ds gets on well with his smum or not is nice but not relevant. He's not looking for a new mother.I would think your ex had better have Some really good reasons to change custody. And your son learning big words isn't it. It us however an indicator of parental alienation.
I believe the courts frown on it so keep proof

athene1399 · April 05, 2019, 09:17:43 AM

AoD,

I'm not sure I have any words of encouragement. I understand how you feel SO was like that when we were in court. SD (14/15 at the time)told the law guardian she wanted to live with BPDBM. SO was afraid that since she did have say, that the courts would change the custody agreement and BM would get custody. Before that could happen, BM self-sabataged and SO was able to keep custody. also, BM was off her meds and raging so bad SD would text us to come get her. She would leave in tears and not want to talk. SD eventually changed her mind and said she wanted things to stay the same, too, and this is what she eventually told the judge.

So 3.5 years later (now), SD decides she is staying with BM. After all that. But she sometimes parents BM and feels she needs to take care of her. And now BM is a mess again so I don't know when she'll want to stay with us again. She could want to continue to stay with BM to help her out, or will get sick of the rage if that starts to happen again. Who knows. It depends on so much really. We can tell she is embarrassed by BM's instability, yet she feels the need to try to hide that from us to protect BM and still wants to stay with her.

My advice it so show how uNPDxH's shenanigans affect DS negatively. If DS has some version of the law guardian (not sure how it works in your country), they should be able to pick up that he is being coached. Ours did.Show how your environment is stable and how well DS is doing with things as they are. Focus on how well he is doing with you. There's no need to fix what isn't broken. Prove that it isn't broken.

hhaw · April 07, 2019, 02:15:38 PM

AOD:

You have to avoid making ds feel defensive of the ex and his wife, IME.

Maybe give him more privileges until this court process is over..... do fun things you don't normally do.

Kids are fickle, and often manipulate us in these situations... it's not that uncommon.

Once the court stuff is over, you can go back to a more normal routine, but don't let the PD convince ds to choose him, and his house if you think that's a possibility.

Maybe get him to more social things with his friends... keep him engaged with that friend group as you can.... you want him to really be centered in his life at your home, and with those friends, IMO.

You can suggest he do things with his father, when he's not busy with the peer group, just so ds isn't FEELING like you're trying to distance that relationship, but try to have son engaged happily with the things he likes to do at school, and make sure he's having a blast.... not that he can tell you're trying to be the "fun" mom, but you're competing. I think.

I'd also make sure to ask son for his opinions, ensuring he feels heard, and has a voice. You might have the "you're growing up now" chat, where you revisit rules, and responsibilities... this isn't all fun, but it can be about honoring HIM, his journey as a young man, and the continued exploration of his interests, and developing skills.

I hope that doesn't come across wrong. I know you're a great mom. I know it's wrong to let the PD direct our parenting, but you have this window before court, and that one poster posting that the kids chose the PD was concerning.

IS the PD offering things to ds that ds really thinks he wants?

If so, what are they? The PD and his wife are putting things in your son's head about you. Do what you need to do in order to undermine that.

I have to caution you... I'm a people pleaser, and did too much of it with my kids while in our years of court. Don't go overboard... I don't know that I had a choice, but you do.

It's just a very tough position.

Be the calm, consistent mom, but don't let the PD get control of your son, bc he's the fun dad who convinces your son you're the controlling manipulative mom. That would be unthinkable, and it's possible that the PD will undermine himself IF YOU SON ISN"T responding to his manipulations the way he needs him to.

Good luck,

Rose1 · April 07, 2019, 05:13:44 PM

I was talking to A friend about associations etc years ago. She had a teenage son and I had teenage daughters. We agreed that having something that was a drawcard for the various friends is a good idea and makes sure that the kids come around to your place rather than meet at the shops or other places where you don't know who they are with.

She did it with a pool table. So her son's friends used to come over, play pool, watch tv, have pizza.

In my case I was living in a unit with a swimming pool in the complex and we had girl parties with sausage sizzle. (I was on a budget). But for about 4 years or so we had an open house arrangement for her friends on a Saturday. Not huge wild parties but if they wanted friends over I was ready. Sausages, ice cream, bread in the freezer. The pool was there but often it was just sit around doing girl talk, watch a movie, laugh and feel free to do that. They had nice friends too and a couple we decided mutually wouldn't be coming back.

I got to know their friends, knew what they were doing and provided sufficient social engagement. Other parents were happy as well and reciprocated. I did a lot of driving, but it was a fun time. Started when oldest was about 13 and by the time she was 18 she knew how to plan a party, cook, (they got a bit more sophisticated), clean up. She also had her drivers license, a small car and was technically an adult and free to choose if she wanted to visit her father.

Teenagers need good peers. They don't need flash toys and parents and step parents hanging over them and running their lives. Is your ex having his friends over? Does the club go there for pizza? Or is he given toys and left to his own devices?