Setting Boundaries with Waifish enFather

Started by KeepONKeepingON, May 09, 2019, 06:51:19 AM

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KeepONKeepingON

Hi Everyone,

I am looking for some support and advice in setting boundaries with my enfather.

My FOC and I have recently moved back to our country and we are 3 hours from my FOO. My enfather is in his late 70s and is currently under going radiotherapy for some tumours on his scalp. I am sad about this state of affairs and I am worried about him. However, enfather refuses to help himself. In the past, I have suggested various practical things that he could do to help his insomnia or simple meals he could cook so that he would eat regularly. He took none of my suggestions on board and was quite rude to me about some of my suggestions. He might be eligible for a carer to come and help him out a few times a week, but neither he, nor my brother or mother have looked into this. He has a good pension and could probably afford a carer or a cleaner for the FOO house - but for whatever reason, he won't do this. I am not going to make any other suggestions, because when I did, they were ignored or belittled.

BPD mother does very little for enfather and gives out to him for messing up the pillowcases!  :stars:, because enfather (understandably) sometimes messes up his pillowcases as he has wounds on his scalp. Lost child brother still lives with them and does a lot of the caring that my BPD mother should do.

Anyway, last weekend, we went up to stay with my father. DH, LOs (2 & 4) and I drove up to FOO house. We brought groceries and I cooked all the meals apart from one take away. The visit was ok, we hung out with enfather. He was waifish, expected DH and I to look after him and cook for him. Enfather is quite selfcentred and has always been, we were at the beach with LOs, he had enough and we had to leave at once. He also switched off regularly, ignored us and retreated into his own world. I was a bit surprised at this, as we haven't seen him in over a year (as we lived abroad) and I thought he might be more engaged with us (especially GC).

Anyway (thanks for reading this if you are still here) - I am returning to work and I know that I need to take care of my LOs, DH and myself. I have a flying monkey aunt, lost child brother and GC princess sister who do at times put me under pressure to care for enfather. I am the eldest daughter, I was very much parentified and I know for my own mental health and ability to parent my own children that I need to keep my boundaries up.

I am also dealing with my own feelings of sadness for not really having a childhood - my BPD mother was physically and emotionally abusive, I was the cook, maid and BPD mother's counsellor and I was scapedgoated by enfather. Enfather didn't look out for me or stick up for me.

I also feel guilty that I am not doing more, even though I know that for my own sanity and health, that I need to take a step back and not get overly involved in this situation. It's frustrating, as I know my BPDmother could deal with enfather's health problem's in a constructive way, instead she leaves others to look after enfather.

How have people on this forum dealt with this, both emotionally and practically?

nanotech

#1
Hi sweetheart, I think you've answered your own question, as you mention taking a step back and 'not getting overly involved'.
You've done a helluva lot, and you continue to do a lot for both parents.
I think it's making you sad because while the help has been accepted, it hasn't been with open arms and hearts. I know the feeling very well.
There's control, and out and out rejection going on too. The curtailing of the beach visit, the retreating into himself, isn't loving or caring behaviour. The lack of gratitude and the need to reject outings and mealtimes and chat times is because they haven't got complete control of you any more. Your Hubble is there. Your kids are there. You have these roles now that they have never wanted to believe in.
They only see you as The Child Who Serves Them.
They will see how loving and flexible and kind you are with your children. It grates on them.
My parents  disliked it when showed my kids affection, telling me I was 'spoiling' them.
My dad has been the same about my own grandkids. Telling me I was 'doing too much' They  look at the different behaviour, compare it to how they were, and  feel  indirectly criticised by it! They think we only do it to have a go at them! ( everything has to be about them.
Also, caring for your children( and husband for that matter) takes attention ( supply) away from them.
Boundaries can be set by you. Ignore any retreating behaviour. Your dad will soon reappear when he's not missed or enquired about.
Beach visits cannot just be cut short when endad decides. State that the kids need longer on the beach. Just keep repeating that like a mantra and smile. You're in charge, and kids need to run free and have fun! I think it might have been an attempt to control their pleasure and their freedom?

Don't worry about what your siblings think. They are all in the fog and likely not acting in your best interests.

And don't cook all the meals next time. That's too much and it gets you no approval. You can go see him, spend time with him, but don't break your back. Try not to resume the search for approval from them. We are all vulnerable to this. We have a stupid child -like hope that as they age, they will somehow suddenly see the light and be apologetic and loving.
ILL or not, cooked meals and heaps of loving care or not, the much -deserved approval never comes. They're incapable.
SO! Approve of yourself, and step Out of the FOG. ❤️😉

WomanInterrupted

Hi KOKO  :)

What you can do  - and I think is in your best interest - is *drop the rope and do NOTHING.*   :yes:

Tell yourself this last visit was just that - your *last* - and from now on, your mother and brother can handle everything, since they're *right there.*   :yes:

Anybody who acts as a Flying Messenger Monkey just because you're a woman, therefore it's expected you just turn your life upside-down to be a caregiver - I'd block them, so I wouldn't have to deal with them.   :ninja:

In calls to your father, mother and brother, the *only* suggestions I'd make are to kick problems up to the person who can handle the problem - talk to the doctor, talk to the oncologist, talk to the pharmacist, and the like.   :ninja:

If  you're *really* concerned, you can speak to your father's doctor (if you know that person's name) and tell him/her your concerns.  Or you can call Adult Protective Services, if your country has something along those lines, and let *them* handle it.

I'm an only child and lived 3 miles from unBPD Didi (late 70's) and unNPD Ray (mid-80's).  They expected me to be their Old Age Golden Parachute plan, not thinking I might have other ideas - which I did, and that was to NOT get involved in their messes.   :no:

So...I did absolutely nothing.  I called occasionally, kicked problems up to the doctor, but otherwise stayed out if it and unBPD Didi's sad little waif act.  She was the Waif Who Cried Caaaaaaancer, over and over and over, to the point when she did actually have terminal lung cancer, I didn't believe her.   :roll:

She died at Hospice and I didn't visit, and didn't go to the wake or  funeral.

UnNPD Ray popped up on the radar  (they lived in the same house, but Didi kept me to herself)  and I wound up taking 6 months to dehoard the house before going under my VVVVVVVLC rock.

A year later he had a heart attack and called his Visiting Nurse, who yelled at him to use his Life Alert button - he did, got care, went to rehab and was sent home with a team in place, because the folks at the rehab knew I'd be doing absolutely nothing except staying FAR away.   :ninja:  They'd experienced Ray in all his screamy, medically non-compliant glory and knew exactly WHY I wanted nothing to do with this future train wreck! 

Ray fired his team within a month (they started sending men, and he couldn't sexually harass them    :aaauuugh:), social workers started pressuring me to help him, I refused, repeatedly, explained myself *many* times and eventually APS got involved.  I told that social worker the same thing I'd been saying straight along - NO.   :thumbdown:

But then Ray overplayed his hand, fell in the bathroom with his Life Alert *right by his hand* and didn't push the button, figuring his Visiting Nurse - who *just happened* :snort: - to be coming that day would call me, I'd come and she'd scream at me about doing my DUTY.

She called - but I told her to have the cops break in.  Ray was taken to a hospital, declared incompetent, placed in a nursing home, and I've been NC for over 3 years.   8-)

So it CAN be done  - I've talked the talk, and I've walked the walk.   :heythere:

If you stay completely out of the picture, others will get involved.  And I think it's important you do absolutely nothing for your parents or brother because you're really *covering* for them, and making things appear more normal than they really are.

Outsiders - yes, the dreaded OUTSIDERS!   :aaauuugh: - need to see and experience *exactly* what's going on, and if you're running interference, that won't happen.  Once you stay out of it, the curtain will be thrown back, the light will shine in, and the ugly truth will be revealed for what it is.

Your father will get the care he *needs* and not the care he *expects* and thinks you OWE him, at the expense of your health, sanity, marriage and your kids missing out on having their mom present.

Besides, if you stay out of it now, and something does happen to one of your parents, it makes it easier to stay out of it  after that happens, and the remaining spouse - and your brother - really ratchet up the pressure.

Or you might get angry enough to block their numbers.

I think it's *very* important for the three of them to know they can rely on you for *nothing* except infrequent calls where you stick to Medium Chill and don't offer to help in any way.   :ninja:

They won't like the idea, but you have to be FIRM - you can do nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zero.  Your hands are tied.  You can't visit.  You can't help.   :no:

Your parents made this mess?  They can clean it up, without you - and you have it within your power to make that happen.   :sunny:

:hug:

qcdlvl

It seems clear to me that your F doesn't want reasonable help, he wants enabling and you to be his slave. You've offered reasonable suggestions, and he's turned them down - if that makes life harder for him, he only has himself to blame. If his PD wife isn't doing much for him, remember he chose her and chose to stay with her for I'm guessing decades. If your aunt wants you to do more - if she's so concerned, why doesn't she step up to the plate? Why doesn't she nag his wife? Who does she think she is?

Kiki81

You have a husband and children, correct?

Your father has a wide and funds to pay for caregivers/etc.?

You're involved why?

Andeza

You've got a lot of great advice here. I always love hearing from WI because she's been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I only want to add that when you start to set your boundaries, nobody is going to be happy. Let's say for a moment that you've got a neighbor and no fence. Every day that neighbor walk his dog onto your lawn and leaves a present, stinky and ugly, right under your nose. So one day you put up a fence.... Do you think the neighbor is going to be thrilled about that?

Similarly the PD's in our lives are happy to prance in the door, dump their crap into our laps, and expect us to clean up their mess. That's what good little "Dutiful Daughters" do right?

It won't be easy, but it's time to build that fence. Build it high, build it strong, and think about capping it off with some razor wire... In other words, make your boundaries strong. If it helps you, write them down just for you and keep the list on your person to reference any time your family wants you to "do something!!!!" This is not a list to give them, it won't affect a change after all, but it's for you. Sometimes just having something in your hand like that will help you keep up your courage!
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

KeepONKeepingON

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your replies  ;D. I am going to bookmark this page and come back to it when I feel foggy.

It's great to hear from people, who have dealt with this kind of situation and these kind of personalities. I know rationally that I can't step back into my old role and that my FOO will take me for granted. (Cooking, cleaning, advice, being body shamed or belittled without any thanks or help for me and my FOC - that's what FOO just think I am there for there for! ) But no more!   :ninja: :cool2:

However, I do feel a bit foggy at times and it's great to hear it from everyone, that me helping is not doing my FOC or my FOO any favours!

Thanks again for the words of wisdom  :).

Spring Butterfly

Hey just wanted to say "me too" since uPDm and enF are both what I consider medically negligent.
QuoteHow have people on this forum dealt with this, both emotionally and practically?
what helped me was to humbly acknowledge they are their own adult and have been for some time now. What I would consider right and good for me medically in a similar situation isn't what they need to choose. In all humility they are individuals with free will and free choice. Just like any other humans I don't have to agree with them or make them choose what I feel is best. In that way I chose to disengage emotionally with peace of mind.

It's the same thing that frames my conversation with others when they ask. It's a good place to be to share with others my frustration that they don't make what I feel are sound choices but out of humble respect I give them freedom and the right to choose.
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