Problematic grandmother ruining my relationship

[psychology.student]

Hi,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years now. He's living with his grandparents because his parents left. They are old and need some care, for example, doing shopping for them. I don't live with my boyfriend yet, but I plan to do so when I finish my degree.
His grandma is really possessive. When we go out or he visits me, she constantly calls him. She always needs something from the shop. She's having troubles with her spine, soon she won't be able to walk anymore because of the pain. She's always whining about how poor she is, how bad the pain is and how she can't do anything at the house. She says we should take time and go out, but in the same sentence she says she is sacrificing herself that we can have a better life.
My bf always places her first. He almost has no time for me. We haven't gone out since December, we just visit each other or shop for his grandma. I miss our time together. He's not susceptible to any kind of conversation, he just said I don't understand this.
Today he took a few days off from work so he will be able to cook instead of her. They are renovating the house and she insists that the workers have 2 warm meals a day and 2 kinds of pastry each day. She obviously can't do this herself because of her spine so my bf does all the cooking and baking. This is too much! No one expects she should give lunch to the workers, when they worked for us, they ate at the bistro nearby. My bf acts like his grandma is a saint doing all those things.
She once said it would be better for him if he had another girlfriend who would be employed and wouldn't study anymore. She also hates psychologists whivh is my future occupation and says it's not even a real job.
I'm disappointed, but I don't want to end my relationship. I want us to connect again but we can't do this if she never lets us have time for ourselves. Do you have any ideas how to solve this problem? Talking to the boyfriend hasn't produced any results.

[qcdlvl]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My bf acts like his grandma is a saint doing all those things.

Except she's not doing them at all, he is.

Today he took a few days off from work so he will be able to cook instead of her. They are renovating the house and she insists that the workers have 2 warm meals a day and 2 kinds of pastry each day.

This is insane. He's sacrificing his career so that she can look good, basically. She obviously cares more about what her workers think of her than about her grandson.

I want us to connect again but we can't do this if she never lets us have time for ourselves.

I'm sorry, but your bf isn't kept chained in a cage, nor is she holding a gun to his head - he's choosing grandma, and grandma's public image, over you. He perhaps was conditioned since childhood to sacrifice everything for his elders, to believe that grandma always knows best or that saying "no" isn't an option, he may not see that he has a choice or that alternatives exist - but regardless of how it came about (and it definitely doesn't sound to me like any miscommunication issues on your part) that is what's happening.
Would he consider couple's counselling?

[StayWithMe]

you could start tapering off the relationship.  that would be the only way to get him to contemplate what he is missing.

[psychology.student]

The problem is that he always thinks we don't like his grandma. If I say something, for example, why we spent all day shopping for her, he says that we hate her and why is everything her fault. His parents divorced because of her - isn't this enough?
She's also very paranoid. She thinks we all talk about her at home, we say bad things about her and so on. She locks up her garden so the neighbours wouldn't steal her lettuce. She talks about how neighbours walk by her house and listen to conversations, and that they are taking photos of the house and sending them to her ex daughter-in-law (my boyfriend's mum). Could this be a start of some mental disorder?

[Call Me Cordelia]

"His parents divorced because of her."

[qcdlvl]

"His parents divorced because of her."

  Maybe his F was her enabler/sacrificial lamb and your bf is acting the same way.

[Entj]

Hi psychology.student, I'm sorry for the reasons you need to be here, but happy you found this forum for support.

In the beginning, I was also trying to figure out which personality disorder or combination thereof my mother-in-law has. The truth is you only need a basic understanding, as this is not really your problem. Your real problem is that your partner puts her needs above your relationship. It's very hard to face this and it takes time for it to sink in, but if your partner were setting healthy boundaries with her, then the impact on your relationship wouldn't be as bad. Took me a lot of time to understand that despite all his reassuring words I wasn't a priority for my partner. Words don't matter, actions don't matter, but patterns... Patterns I trust.

So what to do? I'd try to have a conversation with my partner, if I were in your shoes. Maybe set something like a Saturday night date deal, it's really a pity if you're not going out at all at this age and stage of your life. You don't mention your ages, but I guess you're both below 30. He can help his grandmother and then go out with you, these shouldn't be mutually exclusive things. Baby steps, one date night per week to start with, something small that would get you two together. Maybe not picking up the phone when you're together could be another boundary.

There are many red flags here, him taking days off to feed her good old lady persona is a major one. The people- pleasing pattern doesn't change easily. It's a difficult situation for you. Sending you positive thoughts!

[Poison Ivy]

Entj, you expressed (much better than I could) what I am thinking.  My ex-husband's dad probably has an NPD but the bigger problem is that I was not and am not a priority for my ex.  It has been difficult for me to process that.

[Entj]

I hear you, Poison Ivy. It's been very difficult for me too to wrap my head around this. I was resisting it at the beginning, as it's very painful to admit it to ourselves; it took a therapist quite a few sessions reminding me that my problem does not lie in my relationship with my mother-in-law but in my relationship with my husband - and basically how our relationship is affected by his choice of allegiance.

I also had the luck to go with my husband for couples counselling, where the counsellor told us on the very first session: 'You do not have a problem between you two to discuss, the primary problem is that the husband has divided loyalties. He should go to therapy on his own due to his unhealthy relationship with his mother'. And when i asked her what i could do to help him, she said there was nothing I could do. You just set your personal boundaries, it's his job to step up to his responsibilities as a husband - if he chooses to do so.

I'm sorry about the ex prefix, Poison Ivy. I don't know your story, but I know many of these husbands and wives do not step up to be there for their partners. Some take years to change to whom they're loyal, some never manage to get out of the codependency dynamics. And some of us might understandably get tired of the process, as it's one step forward, two steps back. I hope you have found some healing