First post...Sharing my story

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Surrendertotheflow

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First post...Sharing my story
« on: April 02, 2019, 06:59:19 PM »
Hi All,

I never even knew what any of this stuff was until about a month and a half ago. I think I'm still in the self doubt part of all of this. I've had some validation thus far and that has helped. I have days where I know what I felt and what happened and trust in it, and others where I still have doubts and blame myself. It's kind a tortures cycle of ups and downs. Anyways, below is my story:

I’m very unsure still about what I experienced. Maybe it was nothing but a typical relationship. I did talk with a therapist that I believed specialized in emotional abuse, and she told me she believes I have an anxious attachment issue. I also talked with one other therapist that turned me on to gaslighting, which I had never heard of before and that is how this whole thing got started. My childhood friend is a therapist and he verified some of the things I’ve been reading about and thinking, however after the last visit to this therapist that mentioned anxious attachment issues I’m feeling very lost and self-blaming once again. I keep thinking that If I would have acted different, the things would have been different. I will refer to her as “A”. I also have been feeling an extreme amount of guilt for some of my actions in the relationship.

 

I met A at work. At the time she had a boyfriend. We would all hang and were friends, but not super close.  I remember her talking to me a lot about how she wanted to break up with her boyfriend because of this or that. She said she did not love him anymore. We both lost our fathers a few years back and I remember her saying how she was so glad we had that in common (her boyfriend didn’t understand, and she couldn’t talk to him about it). She would also say “I love you” after some conversations with me… which I felt was strange as we were not that close, and later in our relationship she told me she does not like to use that phrase a whole lot.

 

Anyways, her and her boyfriend broke up, and she asked me if she could hang out with my dog and do coursework at my apartment while I skied. I agreed. Also, during this time she was trying to hook me up with her fried from work (we no longer worked together). She thought her friend and I we were perfect for each other. She was always making plans for the three of us, so I could get to know her friend. Long story short, I never dated A’s friend because A and I ended up dating. A lost that friend due to this as she was upset with how things turned out.

 

Back to A wanting to hang out with me dog while I skied. The first time A ended up coming to my apartment while I skied, when I got home she asked if we could hook up. Said she just felt comfortable with me. I said no, you just broke up with your boyfriend and I also know him. She said no worries and she would just find someone on tinder then. Later once we begin dating she told me if I would have hooked up with her at that time she would have never talked to me again because that’s what she does. However, I remember her saying her ex and her starting dating after they hooked up one night which was off from what she just told me. “We hooked up and we were just together,” she said. Anyways, we continued to text over the next week and she explained that she had feelings for me, but also felt bad because she was trying to hook me up with her friend. I agreed that A and I should go on a date to see how things would go.

 

When we went on the date I remember thinking how is A so into me. She doesn’t even know me. She had mentioned her friend that she was trying to hook me up with during the date, and I asked how she was. A got very upset and said, “I knew you still liked her”. The rest of the date was very awkward, and I felt very weird about what happened. However, after the date she wanted to perform oral sex on me, and I let it happen. I thought it was strange since she seemed angry.

 

I ended up over looking that date. We ended up hanging out more and things seemed to work out really well. We ended up becoming official. I remember A would say “it’s like I’m dating myself” because of how much we had in common. She made it clear that I was very desirable. We made plans for the future. Within the first month of being official I caught her going through my phone. She got very upset and emotional and said “I wanted to see what you said to your sister about me. I just like you so much and feel very vulnerable.” She was worried she liked me more than I liked her. She started crying and said I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you. So, I felt bad, and over looked that, but felt it was a little soon to be thinking you want to spend the rest of your life with me.

 

About a month or two into our relationship she decided to tell her ex about us. She felt it was fair for him to know. She told him a day before he left for a month-long road trip after we already agreed to tell him after he got back from his trip as to not upset him. He was devastated because he considered him and I friends in the past. I felt terrible, but also felt like what A and I had was special so that justified it. She would show me all the texts from him calling her a slut, and saying he wanted to kill himself.

 

At this time, I noticed there were many other guys in A’s life. Some of them she told me about, others she didn’t. This is what stands out. There was a guy from college. He text her one day that he wished they could still hook up and she told me about that. She insisted they were just friends and continued to talk with him for the entire relationship. Another guy from college who said “every time I drive past campus I think of you”. This popped up while I was on her navigation on a road trip. She said she didn’t know who it was. But after we talked about it admitted they dated and she recently reached out about a question for a course she was taking. Another time a random number popped up while we were looking at pictures on her phone and said “can we hook-up”. She said that one was from tinder when she was single between her last relationship and ours. She told me about two guys that asked her out from a camp she volunteered at. A guy from work that asked her out. A guy she used to work with that she needed a reference from and her were talking. He would always ask her out and she said she refused but would continue to talk with him. I once looked in her phone and found she was talking with a guy from college via text while she was on a trip. This was a guy that I knew talked to her about hooking up and liked her. He was saying in the text that he knows he was jealous in college and she has overcome so many obstacles and how great she is. She also said sweet dreams to him and I told her that was weird.. not long after when she would text me before bed, so would also tell me “sweet dreams”.. to mess with me, I don’t’ know. Anyways, I caught her in the lie when I asked if she still text him and she said no. I asked if I could see her messages and she showed me her messages and the messages was deleted. She said she deleted it and lied to me because she didn’t want me to get mad. She had mentioned numerous times in the relationship about how many hook ups and threesomes she had in college.

 

When I would ask her what the heck is going on and why so many guys are always asking about hooking up or going on dates.. sometimes I would be very angry I should note. She would get very upset and say, “will you ever trust me”. She told me I have jealously issues, that I need help, that I have anger issues and I’m controlling.

 

Our arguments always left me feeling crazy. She would always say things like “see, listen to your tone, that’s what I’m talking about”, “listen to how you are talking me”. I felt like every argument was probably going to be the last. She would make it clear that she was considering breaking up. She said a few times “if you would have just done what I said I would have never got mad”, which seemed very strange to me.

 
Other things I want to mention which I find off: She once told me “ I can’t miss my ex” and “I can’t like anyone else”.

She called me her ex’s name while being intimate one night early on.

Early on in the relationship she said she would cry after have sex with her ex.

Over thanksgiving she told me she was thankful “that we hooked up” after I said how thankful I am to have her in my life etc. I’m thinking geez, I’m thankful for more than just the sex, but ok.

She made it clear that a girlfriend who was coming to visit was someone she had a threesome with in college.

We discussed moving together early on in the relationship for her internship. She asked me to research places and I did and picked 5 locations. I said anywhere but TX. One day she came home and said she applied to TX because it was in the top 5. I got upset and she said I can’t believe you are not being supportive.

Early on she would ALWAYS compare me to her ex:  “My ex did this and I hated it, you never do that.” “My ex and I never did this, but you and I always do.” “He was terrible with money and you are so good with your money.” “I hated how he dressed, but you dress so nice.”

She told me it’s like she was dating herself because we have so much in common, but a few months later she mentioned how different we just are.

She immediately wanted to be friends with my mom and sister at the beginning of the relationship. She would text them (I gave her their numbers). She would always send them pictures of the two of us.

She would message my friends over Facebook and tell them “joe needs you today” the day after we had a fight. She messaged a person on my team from work and asked if I was in work one day after we had a fight.

We talked for months about going to visit her family in FL. One day she came home form work and said she booked her flight and that if I wanted to go with her I should get my flight booked soon.

She told me she had HPV after we already hooked up. Said she forgot to tell me earlier.

Told my gym partner he is looking big at the gym in front of me and she knows I struggle with body image and feeling of being skinny.

She would tell me “your trying to change who I am” when I would ask about other guys she may be talking to.

She told me I only did nice things for her, so I could manipulate her.

She would tell me her friends just don’t think our relationship is healthy.

There is more, but I will leave it as I know this is already so long. Finally, when she broke up with me it was over text, when I was on a solo vacation. This was just three weeks after she text my mom saying she’s not sure what she would do without me in her life. We had also just talked about going on a vacation two days before she broke up with me.

Anyways, I don’t think that was explained very graceful. But, we broke up a month ago and that’s the best I can do right now. We have not talked in a month, except she called me on Monday, and then text me “sorry I did not mean to call”. I never responded. Can you please help me make some sense of this. Thank you.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: First post...Sharing my story
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2019, 02:25:21 AM »
Welcome! Sounds like a really confusing experience. Are you planning to get back together with A? Check out the PERSONALITY DISORDER tab for the different traits and you might find some idea what you are dealing with.

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coyote

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Re: First post...Sharing my story
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2019, 12:52:50 PM »
Welcome to OOTF. It can be confusing and none of us here are qualified to diagnose. Look at the Toolbox; common traits, setting Boundaries, JADE,and Circular Conversations to start with. I hope this helps.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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Surrendertotheflow

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Re: First post...Sharing my story
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2019, 02:31:31 PM »
Hi notrightinthehead, I'm not planning to get back with her. Starting to look back at the big picture and see the patterns of push / pull, the constant creation of uneasiness and how she kept things off-kilter, triangulation, gaslighting, etc. It's weird when someone tells you for a year that you are the problem, are controlling,  and are jealous, you start to believe it. Even when they are proving themselves to be the untrustworthy one. So i'm trying to work through that. There are days when I do believe that about myself... and others when I can see the big picture and that anyone would have felt the way I did when confronted with her behavior.

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Andeza

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Re: First post...Sharing my story
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2019, 03:50:58 AM »
Welcome! So glad you found us  :wave:

I'm going to shoot from the hip a little here because reading that first post I could feel my jaw dropping. I don't know what's going on with her, but some chick's just have crazy stamped on their forehead.  :blink:

Seems like either gaslighting or... I'm going to go out on a limb and throw out the idea of compulsive lying as well.

That said, certain personality disordered types do attempt a whirlwind romance, getting serious fast in an attempt to draw the potential partner into a committed relationship (like marriage) so they can drop any sort of facade of playing nice. Playing nice takes too much effort to keep up for a long time apparently.

PD's also appear to be drawn to people who have been damaged/harmed by other PD's in their life. My mother is probably BPD, and as a result I seem to have a target for other PD's painted all over me, including our neighbor with whom we do not speak... After coming Out of the FOG regarding my mother, now I have PD radar. Best of luck to you in future relationships!

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bgirl12

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Re: First post...Sharing my story
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2019, 10:02:08 PM »
it's interesting how we sometimes listen to the PD person in our life more than ourselves. I learned the hard way how to listen to myself.  I read everything I can get my hands on about boundary setting, safe people and their attributes, and I keep my fence up. If I'm a house, I have a nice white fence around it and I don't let my neighbors' dogs pee all over it. I open the gate for certain people and not others. And no one rips up my lawn, my home, my life, my heart, They have to pick up after themselves and their pets after they have left my property. They may hurt me, but I learn and I move on. As for love, career, friendship,. I learned I do not need to follow anyone down a path of lies, sex, or anything that makes me uncomfortable. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do to keep someone happy and present in my life. Safe people care about my well being, my feelings, and would not lie to me in an intimate relationship. Omitting facts is deception and I don't have time for that. Best wishes in getting support for yourself and caring for yourself.

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Surrendertotheflow

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Re: First post...Sharing my story
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2019, 02:23:08 PM »
Hi Andeza and bgirl12,

Thank you both for the support. Bgirl12, I totally agree about how we sometimes listen to the PD person over ourselves. They can be so convincing, even to the point of saying "I swear on your niece's life". I even remember arguing and saying to her like, "why am I trusting you over myself". This was at a time when I found out she was lying to me about something. Even at the beginning of the relationship I should have trusted myself and I didn't, I trusted her instead. I guess I learned the hard way as well. I guess that's a wake up call. Time to learn, grow, and be a stronger person in order to not make that mistake again. Today is 2 months that we've been split up, and your post came at a time when I'm feeling low and in need of a few kind words. So, thank you. Good timing on this rainy Monday.  :)