Gifts for my kids from NC parents

[Morocha2015]

I'm sure this has been asked before, but what do you all do about nc pd parents sending gifts to your children?

I went NC shortly before Christmas. My mother is extreme hpd and bipolar. F is at best codependent but likely NP or ASPD. DH thinks I have persistent PTSD as I have intrusive memories and frequent nightmares about my parents. I have three children 4 and under and we live several states away from my parents. They haven't even met my youngest as we have asked them not to visit. I decided to go full NC after finally confronting them about their behavior. My mother told me I was the crazy one who needed therapy, and my father denied all the abuse, both of them in very manipulative ways. When they did visit us, I noticed they talked to my daughter in the same condescending and manipulative way they did me. I don't want my kids exposed to that or the tension and fighting they'd see amidst the adults.

I told my parents the NC would be temporary but I might make it permanent. Problem is they've never respected my boundaries. Today we got an Easter package with a note for the kids. Of course it includes religious kid's books which is just further manipulation (a Christian daughter wouldn't do this).

What have you all done in this case? Do I give it to the kids but not tell them who it's from? Tell them who it's from? Send it back somehow? I fear sending it back will only feed the fire and elicit further contact. I don't really want my kids to associate their grandparents with positive things like gifts, but don't want to lie to them like I got it for them. Thanks for the help!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, Morocha I have been there and I'm so sorry. I'm happy for you that you are doing this while your kids are too little to remember them much.

Of course they didn't respect your boundary of No Contact. If they were the sort of parents who would respect it, they aren't the sort of parents who'd require that boundary in the first place.

Your instincts about sending it back feeding the fire are right on. You have no obligation to give anything from your parents to your children. This is NOT a loving gift. This is a guilt trip with a bow on it. This is daring you to stick to your boundary. This is mocking you and your authority as a parent to your children. This is willful intrusion into your life when you've made it very clear it's not welcomed. This is about them getting what they want and to hell with you and your wishes. Make it disappear.

[blacksheep7]

I'm sorry  Morocha2015

Follow your instinct, not what your parents taught you.  You don't have to give them the gifts if you don't want to, no obligation.  You do what's right for your FOC.  This is a Hoover expecting a Feedback and to make them look like good g-parents.  Throwing the ball in your court.  Do not feel guilty about your choice.

[Moxie890]

I have struggled with this one too. What works best for me is to donate any gifts that come for my children, and to throw out what can't be donated. It was really hard at first. I was very close to digging things out of the trash, but I didn't, and it's gotten much easier!

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this.

For me, personally I donate or throw away the items, as was also mentioned. I'd rather not acknowledge by returning the items, it's none of their business what I do with the things they send.

Also, they are not gifts, in my view. Gifts are from friends, caring peope. Hateful people that do not respect boundaries send insults, masked as a gift.