Introjects and engagement

[lotusblume]

My fiance is currently travelling for work, and when he leaves, I have a hard time being alone with myself.

Sometimes it happens as soon as he's gone, this time it took two days, but I find myself ruminating and living in a state of anxiety. I associate this with two things: lingering codependancy issues and being flooded by introjects. Part of it is getting to be okay just being by myself and being able to relax, and part of it is being alone and not feeling as good with that as I would like.

As for the introjects, it's the fog creeping in. I start to think obsessively about my FOO which I am NC with, having a battle in my head. Part of me goes over all the reasons I'm NC, part of me wants to save them from themselves. Part of me feels like this shouldn't be happening and I can fix it if I just fix them. I guess that's all codependent kind of thinking. I start to flood with self imposed evidence that they aren't that bad.

I guess the thing is, no one is only bad. That's black and white thinking. So I start to think of all the white vs black and I get very drained by my own thoughts.

I did some journalling, inner child work, and reading, but I'm having issues facing the pain. I believe I am in a grieving process, and I still have bouts of denial and basically gaslight myself. Some days I am accepting and righteously angry, and other days I feel a sense of deep loss and wish I could just talk to them and everything could be "normal". But I know that even if things are calm and happy for a while with them, there's always drama, walking all over me, bullying, boundary blasting and enmeshment lurking around the corner.

One of the things that bothers me so much lately is that my FOO sabotaged my happiness over being engaged, and I forgave them and even defended them, and about a month later there was a nuclear blast where I was severely scapegoated (as well as my fiance) and mistreated by the whole FOO that caused me to take some space... That space turned into family mobbing and I started to open my eyes and went NC.

I haven't even been able to think about our wedding because of all this, it's like it has got me stuck in quicksand. I would cry because I couldn't imagine having a wedding without them being there. Now, I think about them all being there and I'm not even sure I want that. I can't imagine some of them actually being happy for me, others I'm not sure. And my fiance is definitely not happy with them and their behaviour towards me.

I did finally pick up a bridal magazine today and started to think of our wedding, our future. I haven't even let myself imagine those things because I felt too guilty. Like I don't deserve that kind of happiness if they can't be a part of it. But now, 8 months later, I'm finally starting to think about beginning to plan for myself and my fiance, and F everyone else.

[AMC]

 lotusblume - This post really resonated with me. Thank you for posting.

Anxiety about being with your own thoughts at such a difficult time is totally 'normal' (whatever that is). I have learned to accept that my needs are heightened and my dependence on my partner is greater and it will pass and change shape over time - even if it feels totally alien.

When you spoke about the black and white thinking - this really struck a chord with me as it is one of the easiest ways to doubt yourself - I know I do this regularly. I think it's about everything in balance - of course they aren't all bad, and thinking this way can be really damaging and exhausting - but there is a lack of respect and trust there, that goes beyond 'good' ness and 'bad' ness/black and white.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my parent not being at my wedding and it really pains me - but not as much as having them in my life the rest of the time. This doesn't lessen the loss and grief which is very real and very painful. I find strength in the possibilities for my life that weren't possible before, and the potential for 'newness' and building healthier relationships with others now that this, often toxic, presence is gone. I still find it difficult to recognise similarities between my family member and me (quirks, phrases, body language etc..) - but, as you said, they weren't all 'bad' - so the way I look at it is, I'm bringing the best bits I learned from them forward into my life, that is filled with healthier relationships with people who respect me.

I hope you can enjoy the preparations for your wedding because they are about the joy and happiness you share with your fiance and that is so much more important than finding a way to twist and contort yourself into a position where you think you can tolerate bad behaviour from your family members - especially at a celebration that is important to you.

[lotusblume]

Thank you for your reply AMC. I really appreciate you sharing. Wishing you strength and peace in your own journey.