How do I acknowledge my mistakes with a PD child

[quietgal]

Good morning,
I have a daughter who definitely shows traits of Borderline PD, but has never been diagnosed.  She has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and takes meds, but believes that counseling doesn't help.  To muddy the waters, I'm fairly certain she has an issue with alcohol.  I have been in alanon for years due to her father's alcoholism (he is now out of the house), but last night I broke all my own rules.  She was stomping and weaving angrily around the house which I tried to ignore.  When she fell down a few steps I asked her if she was ok and I made the mistake of asking if she was drunk (I know better than to ask that question.) And arguement ensued.  I tried very hard to use I messages when talking, but I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier with her.  Long story short, according to her I am "always" getting into her business (I asked her recently about the outcome of a court issue she is having, but otherwise try to keep our conversations light), I'm always mean to her (I bend over backwards to be kind to her to avoid upsets).  She said she has been having a lot of back pain due to being on her feet all day at her job so I suggested a doctor, a chiropractor, taking some advil, using ice and she responded with "nothing works".  (ok, so as I'm writing this I'm seeing the patterns of "all or nothing thinking". )
Instead of wishing her well and walking away, I kept at it, getting angrier and angrier until I stomped away like an angry toddler.  I love this kid like crazy, but I just feel crazy.  I don't know how to start over with her today.  Like I said, I broke my own rules last night.  But starting over with someone with a PD feels different than starting over with a healthy person.  I try to put into place what I've learned in alanon, but I guess I'm human and react to my own anger even when I'm trying not to. 
Any thoughts are appreciated!
Thank you

[coyote]

quietgal,
So sorry to hear this. This is my take though and just my opinion. Every day is a new day. We can't get down the road looking all the time in the rear view mirror. So leave yesterday to yesterday and start over today. We have all made mistakes with our kids, PD or not. We are human and as such subject to making mistakes. Learn from it and move on.

You are right about the "all or nothing" thinking. I would encourage you to study, or restudy the Toolbox. Look at setting Boundaries and enforcing  them with Logical Consequences, no JADE, no Circular Conversations, the 3C's, and the 50 and 51% rule. Be gentle with yourself and don't berate yourself for making mistakes. We all do it.

[momnthefog]

Hi quietgal,

How old is your daughter?  Does she live at home?  This will just help give a bit more context the dynamics with her.

I have a dx BPDd who is in her late 20s. 

We start over more than I'd like.  In the past starting over would include me making apologies, trying to pretzel myself into what she wanted/needed/demanded.

Now, I wait for her to come back towards me.  I don't apologize.  She doesn't apologize.  I don't try to reason or explain.  Nor do I ask for reasons or explanations.  I will NEVER understand her reasoning or her rationalization.  It's incredibly dysfunctional.  She is incapable of having functional relationships.  I do the best I can to relate to her.   

I enforce boundaries.  On two occasions when she was younger (and mouthier) she was asked to leave (when she was visiting).  She has since learned not to mouth off in my home.  She now does it in txt msg. which I suppose is an improvement.   Several months ago she lashed out at me on social media.  She is now blocked on social media (and will remain blocked). 

PDs (or addicts) are not capable of "normal" reconciliation efforts/discussions....it's like asking a frog to fly up to a nest....just ain't gonna happen.

Welcome to the forum!

momnthefog

P.s.  We all make mistakes raising our kids....but that makes us human. 

[Mommacon]

Dear quietgal,
I can relate so much to what you just described. It's just like the dynamic I used to have with my BPD daughter, except she wasn't of age and she wasn't drinking . But the black and white thinking, the over generalizations, the anger and hostility I received and ultimately the anger I would feel. So I will share what helped us. Have your daughter's hormones checked- My daughter's testosterone was 8 times what it should have been and her progesterone was 0%. Progesterone is the hormone that makes us "feel" good and her elevated testosterone made her grouchy/aggressive. Once she started with some hormone therapy, I had a different daughter in 2 weeks. She also takes a small amount of antidepressant (which works great) and an anti anxiety that is on an as needed basis. I used to be an anti-drug person who thought people should just suck it up and deal with it , but living with this has shown me that when used responsibly and thru good counseling that taught my daughter to be self aware, prudent drug therapy & hormone therapy can benefit borderline behaviors. It also sounds like she might need to find a different therapist or work with the existing one to seek out some real coping strategies. (I could go on and on) AND for you, pleas don't beat yourself up. You are the main person in her life coping with her illness. You are the recipient of the BPDs blame and anger. You have to remember she isn't doing this on purpose, it's just part of dealing with something that she doesn't have to tools to deal with and she is a frustrated as you are. Continue communicating when things aren't stressed. Take a 20 minute break if you feel yourself getting upset or attacked. Don't try to apologize for every little action/interaction. I found my daughters perception of a conversation was not the same as mine anyway. Many times she just didn't remember anything if she zoned out or dissociated. I just tried/try to be consistent. Maybe you could ask her therapist to give you and her a strategy for interaction/communication to work on together. That reminds me I need to pull my out and refresh my memory. Also, as a parent of grown children, I have to realize that I can't be responsible for everything they do and say. At some point it is their responsibility. I like to remember that it's not about me being right , it's about them being healthy- emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, socially,etc. My job is to help them find and use tools needed to do it themselves. I can say after 6 years of counseling, treatment, drug therapy, hormone therapy, reading everything I could get my hands on (internet, books) my daughter has improved so much! We're not perfect but doing MUCH better.  I hope that gives you hope. Please be encouraged and hang in there. ❤️