In law's

[Crissy30]

Hello,
I just need to share my story and just have someone other than family to talk to about what I have seen and experienced. To give a little background, my husband and I are 30. We have been together since we were 16 and have been married since 18. We have a son who turns 5 next month. We don't work at fancy jobs, we both work retail and now both of us make $15/hr which wasn't until recently. We have a home and a car so all things considered we are finally doing well for ourselves. I come from a family who has their own issues, but my family is very loving and supportive. I call my dad or mom for something and they will do what they can when they can to help. I'm usually giving them financial support, but they watch our son and get him on/off the bus. They take my husband into work, as he doesn't drive. They are hard-working people and will literally drop what they are doing to help if you need it.

Now the in-laws. It wasn't until 6 years ago that my husband's parents even left their house. Most of the time I've been with my husband and his parents were brief. His mom broke down during family get togethers as it was too stressful for her to arrange times for us to get together. My husband's sister never showed up on time and things always got rearranged because she could make it or it would be too early for her. My husband's sister has always been in bad relationships and drugs, things like weed etc. For while when we started on our own, my husband didn't even want to see his parents. It took some time and convincing on my part for him to start making a connection with them. He's never had much of a relationship with his sister as she is 6-7 years older than him. Most of their growing up entailed mom and dad watching his sister because she would run away and get into trouble. Naturally they paid more attention to her as she needed it. That was always what I heard. My husband recites this but you can tell it's his way of making himself feel better. Since we started dating I've been helping him raise his self esteem. Trying to make him more confident. Trying to help him build relationships. I have found out at one point his sister flew off the handle when they were alone one day and tried to kill him. Ran around the house with an axe she got from their parents garage. Parents didn't know till year later when they were adults. I believe this was when his sister was pregnant with her first born child.

At the time his sister got pregnant my husband and I had been trying for a year to have our own without success. It was frustrating for us. We were always being reminded and asked when his parents saw use, when are we going to have one? Then his sister gets pregnant and his parents change. Everything is about the grand baby. The clear out my husband's old room. Paint it pink as it was going to be a girl. Telling us all these things they want to do. Shortly after she was born we got pregnant with our own. A boy. My relationship turned sour with my husband for a bit after our son was born. The in-laws did not help in that regard. They would always tell us we need to make time for us and have date night. To ask them for help. But they abandoned us. Several times we would plan a nice night to ourselves and they said they would come take our son for a few hours and then never show up. We would call/text and they would say they stopped at the store and we're on their way. Just to find out later they went home. Arguments escalated as my husband said nothing to them about it. Made some excuses for them that they got too busy, or we're too tired to help. Why promise to help then not and not say anything?

Now years later, they deal with the grandkids well enough. His sister had another, a little boy who is 6months younger than ours. The three kids typically play well together. For the first 3 years or so my sister in laws kids stayed once a week at their parents house while our son didn't. It was frustrating because his sister and her husband had time together, but we weren't allowed. Apparently we we're strong enough on our own, and didn't need much help. Sister in law needed more help and couldn't handle not having time off. At this point I was close to divorcing my husband, we needed that extra help. Him and I were in a dark place, but still she needed it more so she got it.

Now, there is some peace for the most part. All the kids go over to spend the night over the weekend. They got them three bunk beds. They take them all out to do things. Family time together is still hard as it's still be t around sister in laws schedule. There have been several reschedules due to her not being able to make it, but I remember one during Christmas one year where my husband wasn't going to make it due to his schedule but it didn't get rescheduled. He just couldn't come I went alone. Couldn't do it earlier because she wasn't going to wake up in time. It gets on my nerves a bit. I have tried to talk to my husband about it, like hey this is a thing and it's irritating. But he just says his sister needs it more. His mother is always helping to pay for her rent, or food. Stating that she's afraid the kids won't eat. They don't have food because sister in law spent the food budget on weed. Getting high, pregnant, on the couch, with the other two kids running around. They help pick the kids up when they need help. However, we ask them to pick up my husband or take him in a extra day a week to help off load what my parents do and it's the end of the world. I hate that I have to continue asking more from my parents because they don't help us. My parents aren't in a good place financially at all and we have to give them gas money and food money to get them through the week. While my husband and I struggle we can't ask his parents for anything. They spent all their extra money on sister in law because she quit her job. I've tried bringing up the subject to the in laws. Recently the topic of my husband came up. Sister in law is pregnant again and my husband didn't congratulate her. She was upset that he didn't. His mother has asked him several times to do so because she's upset that he didn't. She never bothered to ask him why he won't. She asked me and I was up front and told her he's not going to. There's nothing to congratulate. She shouldn't be pregnant when she can't take care of the first two. His mother says to think of the baby, but it isn't born yet. Mother in law stated she feels bad for my husband growing up because everything had always been about sister because she was wild. My husband was put on the back burner growing up. It was hard not to push the topic further because if she felt bad she would be giving him some attention now. But now that they are adults she's still giving sister more attention. Helping with money and food. The subject got brought up today and he said he doesn't like talking about. Shut down on me and stated, my parents don't do anything for me because they believe I can take care of myself and I don't need the help. That's an excuse. If you care for someone you help them, end of story. You don't make excuses to justify treatment here. There are some serious issues here and it just keeps getting pushed to the side with more excuses. Maybe it would be different if my husband and I had been really successful, but we are hard-working people who brought ourselves up from nothing. Most of our life accomplishments have been me pushing us forward as my husband lacks some serious life skills. I feel like I'm being punished for working hard and trying to make the relationships work. His dad is sick and may not be around in a few years. But I don't know if I should try helping overcome these issues more or if I should just shut up and try to focus on other things.

This ended up being a lot longer than anticipated--sorry.

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome and that's quite a lot you're dealing with for so many years. It isn't just or fair, and fair doesn't mean things need to be equal, it means sticking to ones word and following through on promises.

These people have show you who they are, they don't keep promises. They've shown you how much they value their son and, by extension, you. Not much at all. Focus on what they're bringing to the relationship with you regardless of what's going on with SIL. Not much. So you hit it right at the end there "ry to focus on other things" and I would recommend you do just that. Focus on your marriage, relationship with husband, building your Family of Choice (FOC) and leave the Family of Origin (FOO) to themselves.

Not that it means No Contact or cutting off, just stop wishing people to be what they cannot be for you. They don't have it in them so it's harming you to wish for it.

This is how I had to deal with my in laws and others, stop wishing, longing for, to give me what they didn't possess. I set them free to be who they are and in the process my mind was free and it gave way to healing. Once DH and I focused on just our relationship it became stronger.

If you haven't already check the toolbox at the top of the forum. There's also a board for dealing with In Laws you might find especially supportive.

[qcdlvl]

Welcome, Crissy30! It's such an unfair and hurtful situation you're in - I think it's a hallmark of dysfunctional families (or, indeed, dysfunctional anything) to reward bad behavior (spending all of one's money on weed like your SIL) and punish good behavior (working hard like you and your husband). It's bad for everyone, including your SIL. Your ILs may have genuinely wanted to help her, but look at how she turned out.
IMO when dealing with difficult, toxic or dysfunctional people it's best to let go of what one can't fix or control - and the only thing we can really control is our own behaviour. I believe this is actually empowering, because it allows you to focus on what you can really control. You can't fix your SIL, and you can't prevent your ILs from enabling her. It's completely unfair and you have every right to be angry about it - but you can't change it. What you can do is to completely stop relying on your ILs  - they've shown themselves to be unreliable, so  don't rely on them at all. Folks on these fora have dealt with bad ILs in various ways, but generally involving some combo of lowering contact (from a little less frequent all the way to full, permanent NC), boundaries with consequences, and/or keeping the relationship superficial but civil.
One good piece of advice I read on these fora is "don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't jump a puddle for you" - it sounds like you've worked hard to have a good relationship with your ILs, but when push comes to shove, they don't lift a finger.
Also, the Toolbox on this site has tons of good advice.