Voice messages

[Love]

My Dh received voice messages late at night (we were going to sleep, we both work and get up early - inlaws know this) - anyways it was late late.

The messages were very angry, victim playing, name-calling, blame shifting and a distinct "disowning" of my Dh.   They were not long; they were one right after the other like my FMFIL(CPDN) needed to say one more hurtful thing after he hung up. 

They were incredibly hurtful words but Dh isn't hurt, he says its more of a validation that he is right his parents.  He hasn't talked to them since late fall, and before that, he hadn't talked to them for over a year.  We have been NC for the better part of 5 years, going on 6 now.

Dh decided not to pick up the phone when it rang because he thought his dad was probably drunk if he was calling at that late time, FIL was indeed drunk when you listen to the voicemail.    I do understand these human being, my inlaws, who are so very hard to care about or love are in pain.  But what is there to do? !  This is more a rhetorical question but the only thing I could say to DH was that I was sorry and they were sad voicemails for him to hear.

Dh's response was that had FIL left a message less aggressive and expressing the same feelings but without the tone, he would have considered calling them back.  But now DH does not intend to call him back.  He says there is nothing to discuss but to have an outright argument, arguing with them results in a ton of fog, guilt, obligation and NEVER gets anywhere (which I'm sure everyone on this forum is used too).

Dh and I agreeance that there was nothing to call back and defend himself against, it is literally the same stuff they repeated to him his whole life, he has not been able to ever convince them otherwise and when we tried it was just chaos and insanity. 

The last time I posted there was a discussion about how VVVVLLLLLLC is better than NC in the long run, and I completely agree 100 %.  But, what if the anger and feelings are just always so heightened and the behavior never stops?  Is there a way to keep these people at bay (that's the best way I can think to say it)? 

Dh's parents hardly make any contact and then when they do this is what we get - anger, disown, uninvited to their funerals (one day when they die), blame shifting and NO NO NO comprehension or inquiry as to why we have stayed away.  Never have his parents ever ask about his feelings, his thoughts, or why he is acting in a certain way.  PD inlaws just blame him and his cold heart, my brainwashing and controlling way.  I know everyone on this forum knows the dance. 

I get mixed up because my belief in God always has me wondering if there something else Dh or I can do?  I don't want them to be in pain but DH and I also don't want to be a part of this crisis anymore and it doesn't look like there is anything else but a crisis with PD individuals.  Based on the voicemail messages there is nothing to call back about unless Dh feels like defending himself and his manhood (because they attacked that too).  Dh doesn't feel like he needs to defend.

Dh woke up this morning and said he wondered if he dreamed his dad had called and said what he said.  Dh also thought about could he ever call our kids and say what his dad said to him, like he was trying to rationalize and maybe it wasn't that bad?!  It was.  Then Dh recalled a time in college where his parents did the exact same thing because he forgot to call on a birthday.  This call was because MIL didn't recieve a card on her birthday from DH.  Dh and Mil havent talked in a year, Dh has only had a couple of convo's with his dad.  But literally the disowning, challenging manhood, calling names and a lot of anger was about her not recieving a card on her birthday. 

Now I just have to say I have never, my kids haven's and neither has dh recieved a birthday card from my inlaws in over 5 years.  We don't call with the crazy chaos.  What is this, what are they?  Why don't they just stop, or change paths and find some little bit of peace with us, why is it these crazy rules that only apply to MIL and Fil and all of the contention that come with them?!  Please I'm just looking for some insight into what we should, could or shouldn't do in this situation.  Or how we can view it?

[coyote]

Love,
You say, " I don't want them to be in pain but DH and I also don't want to be a part of this crisis anymore..." Unfortunately you have no control whether or not they are in pain. They will be in pain or not totally by the choices they make. You or you DH have no control over that. I don't think that subjecting ourselves to abuse and crisis is part of God's plan. In fact I think just the opposite is true. If we don't take action to protect ourselves from abuse and pain then we are disrespecting the life God has given us and Him.

You ask," What is this, what are they?  Why don't they just stop, or change paths and find some little bit of peace with us, why is it these crazy rules that only apply to MIL and Fil and all of the contention that come with them?!" If any of us could answer this question we could write a book and be rich enough to own our own island like Bill Gates. Actually the answer is simple. If they are actually PD is all just part of the illness. That does not let them off the hook for the abusive behavior and does not mean you and DH should not takes steps to protect you and your FOC. Their choice not to confront and deal with the illness is still their choice. Unfortunately there is nothing you or DH can do about that.

I hope this helps. Yes the choices can be difficult and even painful at times when dealing with PDs. It still is what it is though. Wishing you peace and strength in this part of your journey. 

[bloomie]

Love - The thing I take away from this most of all... is that your DH seems to have mostly emotionally detached from high conflict, emotionally and verbally abusive, toxic people who happen to have given birth to him. I won't call them parents because they do not seem to have earned the honor of being a positive, loving, supportive presence for your DH and your entire family.

As an adult child of people with suspected PD and serious dependency issues I can imagine the emotional journey that has finally gotten your DH to the place where this latest episode of drinking and dialing is more validating than hurtful overall. I think that is a giant step toward breaking completely free of the chaos and drama that you have all experienced over and again.

Dropping the rope with abusive people and no longer giving over any more time and attention other than what you need to do to process this latest is something I have had to learn to do. I set internal boundaries around how much and how long I allow myself to work through the same old shenanigans. And then, I reinforce the physical boundaries, such as possibly blocking their ability to call you, and move forward with my life in health and peace.

I view it as broken people who refuse to manage themselves in respectful and loving ways toward me and my family. I view it as people who are dependent and addicted to substances that alter them to a point to which they are harmful and cruel. I do not go close or engage with harmful and cruel people.

You cannot cure it, change it, control it. But, you can put boundaries in place that protect you from having another day disrupted by their malicious and out of control behaviors.

My heart hurts for you all to be facing this as you lay down for a night's rest. I am so very sorry this is happening.