Asks loaded questions

[Danie]

My mother mostly communicates on the telephone. She either stays at home or very close to home. I think she suffers anxiety about getting too far from her safety net. She rarely does social things, especially with family. I guess her socializing is usually church or church related. Usually her social get togethers end up with her disagreeing with her friend or with the event or something is always wrong so she has to end it. She is creating her own lonely hell.

Talking on the telephone is very important to her, to either her sister or me and my sister. The conversations are very heavy and elaborate and cover many topics that are usually negative or about health issues or about family (gossip). I try to call her about once a week or so to check on her because that 's the only way I'm going to connect with her. There's so much normal stuff she can't or won't do; shop, dine out, fun events. I feel like I walked through a minefield after we've talked. I know she has like several agendas she has to cover and deal with. For example she has to talk about herself a lot, question me about my sister, complain about money, complain about waiting in line and tell me her bodily issues which are too much information.

I realized, yesterday, that I am always apprehensive when we start to talk because I just don't know where it's going to go, but I know I'm going to feel violated or anxious. I realized she asks loaded questions. Yesterday she said she was proud of me...when I asked her why, she really had no reason. There really wasn't a reason. I mean I guess it's nice to hear, but she has no right to be proud of me because she did nothing in my life to help me ever. Everything I've ever accomplished I did in spite of her. I think she said that because she followed up with a loaded question. She said Is _ _ _ _ (husband) proud of you and does he ever tell you? So it was like a 2-3 part question to which I answered no. Then she said "well I'm proud of you". I felt set up, I didn't want to answer that way. Now I know she will take that information and spread around some negativity and she made me feel manipulated, like I'm supposed to be closer or indebted to her.

Does your BPD family ask loaded questions? I'm writing this so you can be aware and learn to divert them and protect yourself.

[11JB68]

Danie, not sure if it's exactly the same thing, but my uPDh asks me 'loaded' questions, especially if we are arguing or he feels I've disagreed with him and he's trying to recruit me to his way of thinking. Very frustrating. Since I've been coming Out of the FOG I try very hard to use mc with this and not to JADE. Seems to help.

[Danie]

I read about loaded questions and it is a question that comes with an assumption and it is a trick question. In my case my mom wanted me to answer "no, my husband is not proud of me" so she could say she is and endear me to her.

MC is good. and so is JADE. Also instead of yes or no answers I could have said, "My husband loves me and is involved in my successes".

Loaded questions are set up for yes or no answers.

[11JB68]

Agreed, when my updh does it, it's clear that he's asking in such a way that he's trying to get you to give the answer he wants. And if I give a different answer/honest, then he accuses me of being contrary or argumentative.

[daughter]

My NBM mostly monologued in our phone conversations, but if there were questions to be posed, NBM's approach would be to sharply interrogate, and harshly berate, if answer didn't match her requirements, or if a non-answer was received.

[StayWithMe]

I read about loaded questions and it is a question that comes with an assumption and it is a trick question. In my case my mom wanted me to answer "no, my husband is not proud of me" so she could say she is and endear me to her.

MC is good. and so is JADE. Also instead of yes or no answers I could have said, "My husband loves me and is involved in my successes".

Loaded questions are set up for yes or no answers.

This also requires that you never confide in your mother any issues with your marriage.  Boy, my mother would make a meal out of that.

[Sojourner17]

Yes, my mom asks loaded questions a lot. I would be asked if I had a good childhood a lot. She will make a statement then ask a question in such a way that the only option would be to agree. She often asks if my husband buys me stuff/does nice things for me on birthdays or anniversaries and the such.
I'm in vvvlc right now so it doesn't happen as much now. It is super frustrating and makes things uncomfortable and awkward. I don't remember who on the forum writes about using humour in these instances. I always get a kick out of it but have not been brave enough to try it myself 😉

[LavenderLime]

Oh gosh, yes! My phone conversations have gone the same route as you described, Danie. Before Out of the FOG, I couldn't really put my finger on why I was uncomfortable with some of her questions. I'm still navigating my way around these phone calls, but seem to be getting a little better at side stepping and diverting discussions. I'm only speaking with her about once a month or so now and it's when she calls. I have not initiated phone calls in awhile and it has not gone unnoticed. On the last call, amidst her tears, she asked if I had planned to call her. I responded laughing that I intend to do a lot of things and left it at that.
Sojourner17 - my mother asks about the birthday, anniversary, valentines, Christmas, etc gifts from my husband, too. I keep it vague and move on, but she tries to press me on it. It makes me very uncomfortable, so I'll need to work on that one.

[bohemian butterfly]

Danie,

Loaded questions.  One word comes to mind...... Ick.      I have heard similar and those kind of questions just feel very invasive.   

It's like an invasion of sacred space.....your soul.  Those kind of questions are meant to wiggle to the core. 

Her attempt at praise (which feels fake)  - "I'm proud of you"- when she was never supportive in the past, was a form of an enmeshed love bomb.  Then, when she has the audacity to question you about whether other people in your life praise you......  she is trying to get you to questions others motives.   She is attempting to divide and conquer.  Don't let her.  She has absolutely no right to know about what goes on between you and your husband. 

My mother used to do this to me on the phone.  About a year and a half ago, my mental health collapsed and I just couldn't listen to her anymore.  Her voice was like this ear worm that crawled into my skull and I was just like, this has GOT to end.  So, the weekly "mandatory" phone calls stopped.   I just stopped calling.  She didn't take it well.  She reverted to texting for awhile, but several unanswered texts and/or delayed responses sort of squelched this too. 

Oh, and my mom used to ask me loaded questions in quick succession.  One after the other, I could barely answer one question before another was posed.  She had zero interest in "me" she just wanted to know everything (for gossip, for enmeshment purposes).  So, before I just flat out stopped the phone calls, I did the following (which helped).  I answered her invasive questions really, really slowly.  I did not feed into her "mania"/desperation.  If she wanted to enmesh with me, she wasn't going to get the goods and/or we weren't going to energetically feed each other.  I also acted whimsical.  This was actually fun.  I would just make random comments throughout the conversation to detract and circumvent.  The weirder the better.  She would actually go quiet because she had no idea to respond.  An example: Mom would ask me a personal question and I would say, "Oh, hmmm, not sure, but awe, let me tell you, so the other day something fantastical happened!!!  I was walking through the park and I thought I saw a fairy jump across the path!  can you imagine my surprise!  Oh the flowers in spring are just so magical! [/i] Etc. etc"     LOL!   I got a few nervous laughs, but hey, it stopped the questioning!