Did you ever find your social group was controlling, too? How do I be authentic?

[Dinah-sore]

This is a forum for chosen relationships. I posted a few days ago about something that I was wondering about my DH's opinions vs. my opinions. But then I realized it isn't just my husband. It is the whole culture I am surrounded by. I feel so trapped. I was thinking about the issue of the wine, because even IF my DH would allow me to drink it at home. How could I buy it?

I imagine myself at the store, and if someone from our church saw me buying a bottle of wine, not only would I be shunned, my husbands job would be in danger, I would be asked to stop helping at church, and I might even be publicly questioned and corrected in line for the cashier. Not joking. A "friend" of mine, whose husband also works at this church/school, posted on her Facebook last year about how she was at the market and a guy was shopping for his superbowl snacks and he had several cases of beer (probably for a party), and how disgusted she was at him. And how she called him out in the middle of the store and told him he should be ashamed for buying that much alcohol, and told him that he "needs Jesus." All of our friends publicly complimented her on her bold stance for her faith.

I think about that and I think, that it probably made him think poorly of the church. She thinks she was "witnessing." It reminds me of how Jesus talked about how the Pharisees prayed, "Thank you God that I am not like these other sinners." And how God hates that kind of pride.

Anyways, my problem is systemic. Not only am I trying to fix all these elements of co-dependence, and be authentic, and walk in truth. But I am sitting here thinking that it could totally cost me everything. And it isn't worth it for a glass of wine, but it may be worth it to be a free human being. I feel like a child, not being able to make choices. I was even thinking, what if I stop helping? Then they may look down on me and gossip about me, but at least I am not breaking a rule. I certainly don't want to be in a position to lie, or make up excuses.

Has anyone else, gone through this on the process of coming Out of the FOG? I noticed the abuse first with how my In-Laws treated me, then my BPDm, and now I am seeing how my DH also on a smaller scale also controls me. But seeing that I am part of a culture that is very critical, judgmental, controlling, and gossipy is also terrifying. I never noticed before, because my co-dependence helped me be so pleasing to everybody. I seriously lived my life to please and meet the expectations of others.

I think I need to invest in some new friendships!!!! Does anyone have any advice for me, to get out from under this pressure to perform, and to not have this INTENSE fear of getting "caught" not being good enough. It isn't just wine, I mean, I am human; I mess up sometimes. I will stub my toe and cuss. I will not live up to the religious rules set forth by the church. Also, I am grieving right now the passing of my only friend I could be 100% honest about everything with. So I am having a hard time living up to the standard of having to smile and say things like, "God is good." and "This was God's perfect will." etc.

How do I become real? Do I just be me and when someone confronts me and corrects me over not living up to their standards, realize that is a red flag that they are not my friend? (I am not saying no one can correct me, especially if I do something wrong or hurt someone. I never want to hurt anyone. I just picture being embarrassed in public if I choose to live different than other people choose to express their religion).

[Cascade]

I have struggled with this too. For me I think it's partly from being raised in a legalistic church. I'm even struggling to go to church some days, but of course my husband judges me when I stay home. He on the other hand can stay home whenever he likes. Church shouldn't feel like a place where we can't be ourselves but for so many it is.

[Call Me Cordelia]

"Anyways, my problem is systemic. Not only am I trying to fix all these elements of co-dependence, and be authentic, and walk in truth. But I am sitting here thinking that it could totally cost me everything. And it isn't worth it for a glass of wine, but it may be worth it to be a free human being."

This says it all, in my opinion. Cheering for you!

I also grew up in a controlling environment at home and at Catholic school. A little different, but I relate to the feeling of conform or be destroyed, even though I saw so much hypocrisy. It's a huge red flag that your buying a bottle of wine could cost your husband his job. Catastrophic consequences for not keeping you in line! Yikes.

The truth is you are strong enough to be authentic. You don't have to accept their beliefs to survive. You can have your own relationship with God, and find real friends who care and will support you and your faith without posturing and putting down other people.

The hard part is that yes, it's a lonely road. Only you (and God, to my belief, and maybe yours) can strip away everything unhealthy. Even with God, we're made for human companionship. But the stripping away is necessary to make room for joy.

[looloo]

Ok, forgive me if this comes off as flippant-I am not religious or any kind of theologian, but—WHAT ABOUT that whole "Jesus turning water into wine" thing in the Bible?

I totally understand foregoing certain pleasures, adopting certain dietary restrictions as part of a community identity, and to minimize distractions/temptations.  I get that.  But the herd mentality of aggressive condemnation is way over the top—it's merciless, quite frankly.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I can't speak for Dinah's church, but I grew up around a lot of teetotaling fundamentalist Protestant sects. (And hypocritical Catholics. It's a small miracle I am Catholic and religious today!) The explanation I heard frequently was that wine in that time and place was *really* what we would consider merely grape juice now. But that doesn't explain Jesus' other statements about how old wine is better than new! Grape juice doesn't exactly keep well without refrigeration...

Sorry if that is off topic. It's always a scary thing to confront apparent holes our belief systems, be they religious beliefs or more personal ones passed down from our families. Kudos for your bravery here, Dinah, taking it all on at once. Once you see the problems with the beliefs, you can't "unsee" them. I think that's WHY the aggressive condemnation becomes necessary to maintain the status quo. Fear replaces truth. Dysfunctional families are essentially cults. If you can't question things without punishment, it's not a healthy system.

[1footouttadefog]

This is a tough issue, especially if you were seemingly on board and such with the church and community when you got married.  You spouse then has an expectation that you helped set up.

However people should be able to grow and change together through marriage and friendships and community ties should evolve and transform as a couple evokes and tramsforms.

My spouse and I for example were childless when everyone had children, and this effected our social lives and our social circle evolved over time.  Then later we had kids when everyone else was becoming empty nesters.  Again our social circle transformed.

In the same way it would seem that your church membership and who you hang out with could change if you as a couple became a household where some alcohol was used.

Meetup.com either the  website or the app, is a way to meet new people. Perhaps you could find a group in a nearby town where you could go have dinner and a glass of wine with like minded folks.  There are ladies groups that meet for such in many areas.  Some for dinner some forlunch and others for mixed activities like a hike in a park or to see a waterfall, or a show, followed by a bistro or dinner stop. I go to a gardening group and enjoy tacos and two beers or such once a month.