Coping with fear and the urge to keep secrets- separating from a covert narcissi

[talkingraven]

Hi all, I am new here. In the last few months, I realized that my "best friend" of over 10 years is a covert narcissist and it has been quite a journey learning about my blind spots and separating myself from her.

I am having some difficulty deciding how to move forward. We have a fair number of overlapping friends in a shared hobby.

There are some folks in our hobby community whom I'd like to see more often and spend more time with. I reached out to a couple of them to see if we could do some activities together. However, I am finding the fear creeping up on me... I am somehow afraid that my ex-friend would find out that I am excluding her.

I am also having some fear trusting the new acquaintance (let's call her S). My ex-friend had done things like charm her with little favors in the past. I don't think she is a Flying Monkey as she was not close to my ex-friend.

But I am worried S would fall prey to manipulation. I am afraid that my ex-friend would turn on the charm and pry into whether S is hanging out with me, and afraid that S would unknowingly tell her... or worse, invite her to join us!

I have an urge to ask S to keep the fact that we're going to hang out a secret, but it seems weird as well. I would rather not start off a potential new friendship that way. Also, I am not ready to talk to S about my relationship with this ex-friend yet.

Part of me thinks this is part of that FEAR of the FOG that I have yet to overcome.

How can I best navigate this situation? My logical mind is saying I am doing nothing wrong so I should not have to hide or keep secrets. If ex-friend finds out, then she finds out.

But the fear really does run deep. What if she inserts herself into the picture and wrecks my new attempts at broadening my social circle? What if she uses it to manipulate others into thinking that I am deliberately excluding her (and therefore the bad guy)?

I guess I am looking for some validation and encouragement. Thank you for any thoughts in advance.

[bloomie]

talkingraven - Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. It is eye opening when we begin to detach from an emotionally and socially entangled relationship with a potential N. It can be tricky and establishing new relationships within that same social group can potentially trigger a backlash and sabotaging.

Most likely you have had a front row seat to how your former bestie reacts to perceived abandonment and the cooling of a relationship and it is not pretty.

You are wise to not bring any of the issues with your N friend into a new friendship with S and to take it slow and see if that friendship deepens and can possibly be more than casual. It is hard to know if you will be able to establish closer friendships within a group you share with your former best friend.

Even if your friendship were still perfectly great with your former friend it is not deliberately excluding her to spend time one on one with other friends. It is healthy and a normal part of socializing. You are not required to be exclusive with anyone.

It has helped me to remember I cannot control what another says about me in a social group. If it comes to my attention that someone is maligning me or misspeaking I can address it directly and honestly and then move on. Or I can let it go if that is the better path for me.

In my own experience with a break up with a friend who sounds similar to yours it took me awhile to disentangle myself emotionally and to work through all of the manipulations and control behaviors that I had allowed and not understood for what they were as they were all done so strategically and with a saccharine smile.

Take full advantage of the toolbox and personality disorder information at the drop down menus above. Having some strategies and responses in your tool belt to handle any social discomfort as it comes up goes a long way to reducing fear and anxiety.

Keep coming back and sharing specific questions and issues as they arise so we can support you as your break free from the specter of this former relationship and continue to grow and learn healthy ways to cope.