How can I trust people again

[Indivisible]

Since learning about PDs and that more people than I thought had them, I'm having a very tough time trusting people again. I'm not really sure that I ever trusted people actually, but I used to put others needs ahead of mine and I don't really want to do that anymore. I'm having a really difficult time determining if someone has a PD or if they just made a mistake.  And how to set boundaries with them. One recent example has to do with my BIL. I don't think he has a PD, but he is pretty self-absorbed. He has a very nice little dog that we watch frequently.  Our dog gets along very well with her, and they have a nice time playing together. We've watched her quite frequently; we've had her over for weeks at a time, and we have her over for full day play days quite a bit. We sort of had something worked out where my BIL would stay at our house and watch our dog if we go out of town. We don't travel much – truth be told I prefer to spend time with my dog than with most people.  He watched our dog at our house over Christmas while we were out of town.  We had made arrangements with him to watch our dog at our house while we went out of town on a vacation in February (this is an unusually large amount of trouble for us).  I'll add that he has a very small apartment which would be tough for him to watch both dogs in as our dog is quite large.  He said he liked watching the dogs at our house because at his apartment he hast to wake up early to take his dog on a walk, and at our house he can just wake up and open up the back door and the dogs have a huge piece of property to play on.   Well after Christmas, he reneged on watching our dog in February.  He said something about not sleeping well and it being dangerous to drive.  8 weeks before we were supposed to leave on a trip, and I felt completely blindsided by this! Our dog is very important to us, and my BIL knows this. Well things worked out, and we found a puppy sitter for our dog.  Well these sorts of situations just put my brain in a tailspin and make me all kinds of confused. My upbringing has always led me to put my feelings and my needs aside, not cause any waves, and do the "right thing".  Now that I'm learning more about boundaries, and how to say no – well it's confusing.  I feel that now my BIL cannot be trusted; he gave his word and went back on it. I won't ask him for any help watching my dog in the future, and I won't ask him for any help on anything because I don't think he can be trusted. Am I crazy to feel this way?  Am I overreacting?  People do make mistakes.  I was raised by my UNPDM to not trust my feelings; to question my decisions; to not trust my perceptions; to put others needs ahead of my own; to not stick up for myself.  Any thoughts or comments by the group would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

[openskyblue]

After living with a PD -- as a parent, spouse, sibling, etc -- it can be hard to NOT see PDs everywhere. I think this is a normal part of coming Out of the FOG that a lot of us go through.

Just to give my perspective on your situation with your BIL, I'm not seeing him as unpredictable or untrustworthy. Actually, he seems quite the opposite. He let you know he couldn't take care of your dog well in advance of your vacation (8 weeks out).  It he's made himself available in the past to dog sit quite a bit, even though it probably wasn't convenient for him to leave his home to take care of the dogs at your house. (Also, assuming he's your BIL, I'm guessing he's either leaving his spouse -- your sister? -- behind at home for all or parts of these dog sitting sessions. Not living in one's home, no matter how luxurious the temporary digs are, is still a disruption to one's life.

It seems that it would be a shame to decide that your BIL is not trustworthy just because he could not accommodate you on a single occasion. Maybe you could have a wider discussion with your BIL to find out how you could make the dog sitting arrangements go better for him and for you, have an open-ended discussion and see where that gets you. I'm betting together you can both work out a system that work well -- and includes check ins to troubleshoot problems.

It's hard to trust your instincts on this. I really get that! I've found myself in similar conflicts within my self many a time after 20 years married to a sociopath. The good news is that you faced your uncertainty and considered that you might be wrong, might be right, might be partially wrong/right -- and asked for help  figuring it out. That is quintessential non-PD healthy behavior, at least in my book.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Indivisible,

I agree with what openskyblue posted as well. It is hard to come Out of the FOG and so when someone does something such as what your BIL did regarding the dog sitting, it hits us (survivors of PD parents) and we are unsure how to navigate it. Like you said, you felt "completely blindsided". I think it is worth looking at this. Our emotions are information.

You felt blindsided. And then cognitively, you realized that this may not be something that others would necessarily feel blindsided by...which leads us to ask ourselves are we overreacting. I am going to bet that everyone who comes Out of the FOG asks themselves, many times, Am I overreacting?. Why are my emotions so strong about this event / experience?

I am the survivor of parental narcissisms, uNPDM specifically. I will share with you my experience about feeling blindsided. Feeling blindsided is something I had to find a way to cope with before I was even old enough to know the word blindsided. My PD mother blindsided me many times before I was even walking and talking, never mind all the events I can actually recall from the years I have memories of. Sometimes she would mock me for feeling blindsided by her actions. Which is so manipulative and abusive, I use those memories now to remind myself how big the tsunami of parental abuse was that I managed to survive. To need time to process something in the present that others can do without pause, doesn't make me feel ashamed much at all anymore. They don't know what I've been though. Needing time to process things when someone does something (such as what your BIL did), is because I am courageous enough to take care of myself when I feel blindsided.

Survivors who do what you are doing, learning by asking the tough questions, are brave in my opinion.

The messy work of coming Out of the FOG was / is for me, in seeing that I felt something, that I've felt over and over in my life, and I'm tired and angry about having to deal with it (again!). Feeling blindsided for example. Feeling unappreciated is another one, that one hits me hard. When I feel unappreciated by something that happens in the present, I now know (I'm into the 2nd decade of NC with FOO) that feeling unappreciated is something I felt a lot during a period when I was too young to know how to handle that and process it. In 2019, if someone does something to make me feel unappreciated, I have to stop, and take a 'time out' with myself. The world keeps turning, it turns out, even when we pause to take care of ourselves.

I will always call this work messy because it was really hard to be an adult, and get blindsided by feeling blindsided. In other words, when I felt blindsided, I did not know what would help me, and how to handle the situation at hand.

Is the other person going to do this again? Can I trust them? These are emotionally charged questions for us when we are coming Out of the FOG. Good therapy is when the therapist can help someone who had PD parents, to do exactly what you are doing. Look at things going on for you today, and see where you need their support in tending to yourself and your tender emotions.

Everyone's path Out of the FOG is different and unique, but I'm pretty sure one thing we all have in common is asking the questions you asked in your post. It is not easy to come Out of the FOG.