trying to stay optimistic - please help!

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trying to stay optimistic - please help!
« on: May 29, 2019, 05:08:16 PM »
A little background: BPDH and I nearly separated twice last year, but we have been in good couples counselling together since the end of the year and I do think it is helping. He is also getting individual therapy - also very helpful. I am also seeing improvements in his relationships with the kids (we have 3, the youngest is 8).

The last couple of weeks, though, I am seeing a lot of BPD behaviours resurfacing: minor stuff that I do is triggering really strong feelings in him of being controlled or rejected, and then we "need to talk about it". A problem that I raised in counselling was not "our dynamic", it was "my issue". Lots of other little things that make me feel crazy and like any negative mood of mine or change in plan is unacceptable to him. I've been feeling really down and hopeless again.

The thing is, I do think the counselling is helping! And I do **not** want to get into any custody disputes with him - I really am trying to make this work, at least as long as possible. How does everyone get through the days?  :-\



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Re: trying to stay optimistic - please help!
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2019, 02:46:11 PM »
First of all, everyone here understands what you are going through.  Also, it's good that counseling is helping; many times I hear that it does not.

For me, I have decided that I will work to find the joy in my life.  I am not responsible for her finding joy.  That's her job.  If she wants to be miserable, I cannot help her.  I have worked on stopping the JADEing (never works), circular arguments (never resolved the issue), and have set boundaries (stops the verbal abuse).  It is a work in progress.  Specifically, I strive to find the little successes in my life and focus on that.  I have begun a program of exercise and weight loss.  I have planted some strawberry plants and a blueberry bush.  Seems silly but the satisfaction of being outside and getting dirty really helps.  Also, she does not like being outside (too many bugs) nor exercise (hurts).  This creates space.  I can be around her only in small doses.  Any more than that and I start feeling anxiety.  Instead of being resentful, I have started to take pity on her.  How can one go through life without joy is beyond me.

Anyway, this is helping me.  It is a "one day at a time" kind of thing, though.  I decided that I was not going to get a divorce, so I had to figure out a way not go crazy.  One's mileage may vary, since my spouse is more uOCPD with a splash of narcissism (sometimes the other way around) rather than full on BPD or NPD.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.
The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis