My Story; Why I'm Here - Caution Long Story :-)

[Artemis T]

Hello,

I found this site after doing some research about how to deal with leaving relationships with partners who may have personality disorders.
I recently broke off what was a very complicated 8 year friend-lationship (if you will) with a man I was very attached to.
To start, we knew each other in high school but not intimately, we had crushes on each other that we never communicated. He's about 4 years older than me so he was an upperclassmen. In high school, he had a reputation I guess for being a bit of a womanizer. I never paid much attention to it because when I did interact with him I found him socially awkward and kind of goofy.

Years later we reconnect on Facebook. We shared a lot of common interests, he messaged me to make light conversation and we exchanged numbers. We started dating, and things were great. He was a lot of fun, he was sweet, charismatic, funny and attentive, and made me feel very special. He's a musician, he recorded a song for me. I treasured it.
I am a bit of an introvert and not always the easiest to read, but I had fell for him. He had a tumultuous relationship with his son's mother, and a lot of bad break ups but in almost  every instance he never seemed to be the one with the problem but on the receiving end of unfair treatment. I was coming off a separation after having escaped an abusive marriage so I was always trying to be as understanding of other people's journeys as possible. But once we got to the 7 mth mark things started to change, he would go days sometimes without responding to my texts, and wouldn't call. He had this thing where he'd "jokingly" say stuff like 'sometimes I forget you're a girl' when I'd express my feelings or anything he'd consider 'neediness'. Because I was ok with not communicating everyday it seemed like he believed long periods of time without hearing from him would be ok too. He started cancelling dates more frequently, one of them being Valentine's Day and I was pretty disappointed but still tried to understand he had a demanding work schedule. Then finally after not hearing from him for days he texted me and casually mentioned he was at a party. I blew up, I couldn't understand how he could manage to socialize and go to party's while I hadn't heard from him. He responded by dumping me via text.
I was devastated and hurt. Less than two weeks later I notice he's pictured on some woman's FB icon, turns out he was seeing her.

I exploded again, I think via texts. I was so angry that while I was devastated and mourning our break up he was seeing someone two weeks later.
He explained that he met her after going out after some encouragement from his friends because he was feeling down after our break up too.
Somehow we ended up reconciling and deciding to become friends. We had a lot in common and I guess I figured we had a bond that I didn't want to forsake. But from the beginning I was very honest that I was struggling, that my feelings for him were still present and I didn't know if I could be the friend he wanted because my heart was invested in him. He responded that he had similar feelings for me even if he wasn't good at expressing them, and that he understood if I couldn't be his friend, but we still maintained regular contact.I think even then I recognize that I had become co-dependent. Even in 'friendship' I would try to make myself busy so I wouldn't spend all day wondering if he'd call or text me, that dopamine spike I'd get when he'd communicate with me. It was like a high I guess.
Months go by and I tell him that it made me feel kind of weird that he wouldn't hang out with me in person. We'd talk on the phone for hours, I was his emotional support via the phone, but when it came to hang out like his other friends he'd kind of avoid me.
Eventually we go out for drinks, end up having sex in his car. I felt weird about it, but wanted some time to think. The following day he calls me and says he wanted to make sure that I a) was on birth control because he didn't want anymore kids b) I understood that us having sex didn't change anything.
I couldn't understand why he was talking to me like that, as if I was trying to trap him or as if I needed to be sure that I was not worthy of anything other than the space he assigned me to. I hung up the phone and spent the rest of the day crying.

This is kind of a pattern that repeated itself over the course of 8 years. Now I didn't stop living my life, I dated and had relationships with other men, as he did with other women. But we'd always find our way back to each other, particularly me. I'd try to walk away and wouldn't be able to last more than maybe a week, before I was sending him a text  or sharing a funny meme that I think he'd like. I was tethered to him in a way I couldn't understand and I told him as such. I didn't see him much over the next 2 years because he was in a long term live in relationship but the emotional intimacy and phone conversations continued soon as he was single. We texted when he was in a relationship but his GF felt insecure about me and I didn't want to violate any boundaries.  I eventually moved 2 hours away from the city.

After that last incident we talked about being together in a long distance relationship. This went on for maybe 2 weeks before he dumped me again, this time it was because he said he had just been diagnosed with depression, and didn't feel like he could be responsible for my heart while he sorted things out. That he didn't trust himself he might end up cheating on me, and he would rather end things before we became physically intimate again. I was again, devastated. I could accept him wanting to tend to his mental health (by this time I had been diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD so I was trying to be understanding) but the bit about other women was jarring. After maybe taking a week or so to think things over I told him that I wanted to be able to support him through his diagnosis and illness, but I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing him with other women again once he began to feel better I guess. I asked him that when this time comes, if he could let me know so that I could walk away, because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I didn't want to become bitter or resentful.

Always thinking 'why her and not me?' He told me that I was putting an expiration date on our friendship and couldn't understand why he had to be alone in order for me to be his friend. I felt guilty, and apologized. I was always apologizing and trying to see his point of view.
I had another incident of jealously months later when I saw him tagged in a woman's picture while they were on a trip in Memphis together. I always felt resentment with that because while we were 'best friends' we rarely saw each other. We'd make plans but he'd always cancel. We may have spoken to each other almost everyday, would rarely get off the phone without saying 'I love you' but I was never afforded the luxury of spending much time with him. But the women he dated, women who he'd pretty much tell me were of less significance to him and that he only dated out of convenience, loneliness, or to help make ends meet did. He created this false hierarchy and placed me on top of it. He could commit to other women because he wasn't afraid to lose them, but he couldn't be in a relationship with me because the stakes were too high. I shamefully accepted this reasoning.

So we were friends again I guess, and he'd do that thing where he'd freeze me out for several days and when I'd ask him why he was ignoring me he'd say that it wasn't personal sometimes he has depressive episodes and doesn't feel like talking. I understood that because I had depressive episodes and would at times sink into myself, but his would last for weeks and he'd still manage to be social on social media and even go on trips.
Which didn't seem to make much sense to me. I'd tell him in tears how much this hurt, and begged him to stop pulling me in and pushing me away, but that behavior continued.

Our friendship spilled outside the margins of platonic both emotionally and physically a few more times. One incident we ended up having sex at his apartment, and I spent so much time afterward trying to assuage any feelings of conflict he might have had. Assuring him I knew that this didnt change our friendship status. I pretty much begged him to not react like he did the last time, by being cold and pushing me away. Probably less than 12 hours later he did just that. He told me he was scared because he wasn't any good for me and couldn't give me what I wanted and I freaked out, i sent him a long text trying to understand why he kept doing this to me and why he couldn't comprehend how triggering and hurtful it was. He said I was overhwhelming him. He didn't speak to me for 30 days, the whole time I was to wait for when he was in 'the space' to talk to me. I was devastated, stressed, stopped eating, etc.

Somehow we got back to being friends again and the co-dependency just got worse. I would try to walk away and wouldn't last 3 days without communicating with him again. It became a running gag between us that I would have these blowups and send him long diatribe emails about leaving but wouldn't go anywhere.

The most recent break up, or should I say 5th dumping was the one that broke me and finally cracked the seal on what was a cycle of what my therapist informed me was emotional abuse. Last summer we were discussing our feelings for each other and decided to try to give dating once again. He cautioned me that he was not in the head space for monogamy, because I lived far (2 hours away) and he got lonely sometimes, and also sometimes he needed to date women for a meal. Nothing sexual but just occasionally enjoying the company of other ppl since the distance made things more challenging.
Since he is the primary custodian for his son, most of his money goes to his household expenses and care for his child. (Mind you he just bought a new BMW and a condo impulsively and frequently took trips out of town he made a lot of bad financial decisions) But as a single mother I tried very hard to be understanding, everyone needs help. But I did caution him, like I always did that he couldn't keep compartmentalizing women and that feelings were always going to be involved. His last break up with a woman he worked with ended badly and according to him she spread nasty rumors about him being emotionally abusive and  a lot of his co-workers "took her side" and ostracized him. He ended up seeing this woman because he was hooking up with her friend at first, it was a really weird situation.

Nonetheless I agreed to these terms after he put his 'cards on the table' . I lied to him and myself in saying that I could deal with it, as long as I didn't see it. I told him, earnestly that there was nothing that I wouldn't try to endure to be with him, meanwhile he set conditions that would make this more convenient for his needs. We weren't "monogamous" according to him and he made sure to remind me he wasn't my boyfriend but he still told me about how he turned down the offer of sex with a stripper because he was with me. These contradictions and mind games were just common place. Whenever he'd get frustrated with his finances he'd say 'hey don't put too much stock in me' or 'if you wanna go on a date with another guy I get it'. I'd always ask him to stop doing that, because this wasn't him attempting to be some polyamourous person he just mentioned it to cover his own ass. But then he'd tell me how much he loved me and was happy being with me in a romantic context the next day.

What we were, and what we weren't was based on his whims and what made him most comfortable. He said we were 'loving each other without restrictions" lol. It was bullshit, but in the beginning as usual  I was on cloud 9. Then we hit the 6-7 mth mark and the usual transpired only worse. Shortly after he took me on an out of town trip for my Bday. I was ecstatic, it was our first trip out of town together and the most time I spent with him since we've been in each other's lives tbh. I thought we had a great time, when we got back to his place he want to the store and I laid on his couch, something was scratching  my face and it turned out to be a woman's sweater. The whole time he was gone I was so anxious about how to react to this, when he noticed my change in demeanor. I cautiously and almost apologetically asked him who the sweater belonged to, and he said it was his friend's girlfriends. While I  believed him, his whole energy shifted and he was cold towards me the rest of the night, even though I apologized profusely and felt that I had ruined what was otherwise a great weekend.

The following morning we had sex and made up or at least I thought. But after returning home, I could instantly tell the difference, his energy switched up and he began distancing himself from me. Not responding to texts, not calling. We got into an argument via text that I felt he kind of initiated and I spent days apologizing to him because he wasn't communicating with me. After the trip I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks. I would text him and he'd occasionally respond.I was worried sick about what was going on with him, and if he was going to break up with me like he usually did when he became overwhelmed by life and thought I might have some expectations of him.
I figured he was having another episode and tried to be understanding and give him space. Then one day I texted him and he told me he was in New York. I had forgotten he told me that he'd mentioned going a month ago with a friend of his, NY was his happy space and I figured he needed the respite because he had so many stressors.  I was so worried about being another one of his stressors that I made it a point to communicate I knew he had more 'pressing issues' whenever I discussed something he did that hurt me. I wished him a fun trip and went about my day. For some reason though, I had an inkling to check his IG. Usually when he went out of town he text me that he landed safely, and that's all I really needed. I never needed him to check in or give me his itinerary. I emphatically trusted this man for 8 years and really never thought he would lie to me or omit information. But something told me to check so I did. He didn't post any pictures but he was tagged in a woman's pic. At first I thought nothing of it, he has lots of friends in NY so maybe he ran into one. But I noticed that she was from Chicago, and the likelihood of randomly running into someone from Chicago during a weekday in NY was very rare.
My mind raced and I became enraged. I sent him a load of texts cursing him out, calling him a liar. Then I blew up his phone until he had no choice to call me.
He called me, annoyed and said I was being unstable and aggressive and that she was just a friend who he had breakfast with. That this is why he can't be in a relationship and that's why he just wanted to be friend-friends so we wouldn't have to go through this. I had a breakdown, I yelled and I cried and told him I had to walk away. He told me he prepared for this and completely understood. That his financial situation was precarious and he might end up having to live with a female suitor to make ends meet, or date other women who could help him with his finances and he knew that would effect me negatively.  lol
He was calm and I was a wreck. I realized that he had already calculated I was a loss he could withstand to take even if he preferred to keep me around in the friendship space.

But I did what I always did which was purge my guts and feelings in his Imessages about how hurt I was and how I couldn't understand his behavior. Then I'd end up feeling guilty, when he told me that past few days I had made about me and my feelings while he was struggling with avoiding homelessness and suicide ideation. That he spent his mortgage on me for my Bday (trip was his idea btw and I contributed what I could) and that he needed space, he just wasn't interested in dating anyone not just me.
I felt guilty, and ended up apologizing like I always do, and that if this was what he needed to do to survive I would try not to judge him. We began communicating again and even had plans to grab drinks together after attending a concert that we had separately planned on attending weeks before.
Only to find out two weeks after our break-up he was dating the woman who tagged him in the pic. She was on IG calling him 'babe'. When I confronted him about it he told me that after NY she had began 'helping him' with things I wouldn't judge him for and he wasn't going to keep apologizing for doing what he needed to do so his son wouldn't see him homeless and so he wouldn't have to move back in with his son's mother for financial reasons. He told me that love wasn't going to keep him warm and fed. I blew up again and told him practically begged him to block me on all SM platforms and his phone. That as much as I try to block him I always find my way back to him and that I needed to let go and he needed to let me go too.
I went on Twitter to vent, I called him a human tumor (while I never identify who he is and none of my followers know him personally). He saw this and left me an angry VM saying that crossed the line and never to call him again and he wouldn't call me.
The next morning I sent him a FB message, I deleted the tweets before I knew he saw them because I still felt bad about bad mouthing him. He had been in verbally abusive relationships and I was always trying to be conscious of things I said about him out of anger. We had a back and forth and came to some bullshit consensus that we 'loved differently'  he was just trying to protect me while he was on his 'journey' on figuring out how he was going to survive, and could hopefully be friends again but needed to part ways.

I think at that point, I was tired of always acting like this was a mutual thing, and he didn't deserve an amicable break up. Every blow up I had was a reaction to being hurt, I never initiated any conflict. I was whatever he needed me to be and contorted myself to his whims. I acquired a habit of occasionally checking that woman's page and it became this masochistic need to confirm that this man was already onto his next conquest after deciding I was less materially beneficial. I was at home crying, in anguish. I lost maybe 8 lbs, I couldn't eat, food had lost its taste. I think I had panic attacks, the thought of living a life without him made me break out in what I now understand to be withdraw symptoms.I felt like an internal organ had been exacted from my body.
I was frequently sending him messages to which he wouldn't respond per my request, and begged him to block me so I could stop hemorrhaging in his IM's. Only to find out he was enjoying dinners and concerts with another woman. The final straw was when I saw that he took her to the exact place he took me to for my BDay, the moment that I had told him was something that I'd cherish and appreciated so much only a week ago, a mere 1 1/2 months after we were there. He was there with here, without any sort of hesitance.

It was then I realized I had been dealing with someone not encumbered by human emotions or a conscious. That I had been making excuses for him regarding the way he treated me and other women and that it wasn't justifiable. That everyone was disposable if they didn't adhere to the space he selected for them.
I was tired of always being the one who limped away from the breakup while he moved on full speed ahead without so much as a backward glance. He never mourned, never showed any remorse or any threat of introspection. Even his apologies were hollow 'I'm sorry if I hurt you it was not my intent' and then he'd eventually gaslight me as if every reaction I had was an overreaction. He'd say things like 'you act like we were married for 4 years" as if we hadn't spent 8 years in each others lives with this tortured friendship.
He'd always bring up the things he did for me (we'd spot each other money when we were low) or throw a secret I confided in him about in my face when I'd talk about how he'd hurt me, and say I was making him feel bad while he was at his lowest, and that I was always trying to make myself out to be a victim. Who never accepted accountability, when I was always the first to apologize, even when I didn't have anything to apologize for. I was broken

In an attempt to get some instant gratification I messaged the woman he was seeing and told her that he informed me he was only seeing her to make ends meet and he only referred to her as a choice he had to make between homelessness and shelter security. I did not do this thoughtfully, I was hurt, angry and jealous and most of all my primary goal was to ruin that trip. Admittedly I was catty, antagonistic, and unraveled. I messaged him that I was going to expose him, so I thought he might delete my messages so I sent similar info to someone I figured was her friend. Who ended up being her sister who instantaneously told her mother, she immediately believed me and asked for more info and any other screenshots I could provide to expose him, I assume she and her mother had some misgivings about him because they both believed me undoubtedly even though I was a complete stranger. I didn't anticipate it becoming a family affair, but at that point I told her what I knew, and I had deleted my text exchanges but I sent her (and her sister) a recording of a vm he left me saying that i can't get mad at him for her calling him her 'boyfriend' , he told me about his 'situation' and that it's my fault for lurking on other ppl's social media.

I left it at that and while she asked me to KIT I had no plans on further correspondence. I wanted to take the knife out of my chest and plant it in his and that's what my goal was. But it wasn't long before that satisfaction wore off and I realized I had hurt other ppl in an effort to get to him. That I counted another woman as collateral damage and didn't care about how she was affected as long as he was hurt. This was completely out of character for me and I still feel guilty. 2 days afterward I got 7 voicemails from my ex. He was blocked so I didn't know until later, and in all of them he accused me of maliciously targeting an innocent family and making a 20 year old girl cry (her sister). That I was harassing good people who were experiencing family hardship and I was a coward for not answering the phone and he was going to get a restraining order if I texted or emailed him again ( I sent him 4 emails in 2 months and asked him to block me on Imessage so I could stop purging weeks ago which he reluctantly and finally did)

I responded to his baiting, and called him. The first 30 mins I think was just yelling, cursing and screaming.  Ultimately in the end, he claimed he was not only seeing her for financial gain, he liked being with her because she didn't 'harp on every damn thing' like I did (He had previously told me he had broken up with me because I was too opinionated and would push back on his arguments and 'threatened his role as alpha' before. He likes women who are nice and agreeable, accessible and have disposable income) I got it all wrong, But he was honest that he needs dual income and I job hop too much, and don't take work seriously, that love wasn't as important to him as it was to me and that I was a narcissist because I once again ruined his trip and made it 'all about me'. That he was so traumatized by my unstable behavior he might not ever date again, and he couldn't forgive me for roping other people into our dysfunction and even lied and told me he was no longer seeing that woman. Which I didn't believe for a second because he is physically unable to be alone. He keeps a crop of exes and admirers in rotation that he swears he has no interest in but maintains contact with on social media. Ultimately I concluded that he actually thought I had agreed to being something he'd amuse himself with while he also looked to partner with other women who were more fiscally beneficial. That he was ok with treating me like something to amuse himself with while he also looked to partner with women who were more fiscally beneficial and was baffled as to why I'd be hurt or take offense to such a dynamic. I wasn't dealing with someone who has all their human parts, and that's why I was always so frustrated with why he couldn't grasp why such things were excruciatingly painful. And even though he 'apologized' for hurting me it was more like "pls I'm sorry can you never interfere with my dating life again" and not "i realize I've hurt someone a lot that I was supposed to have valued as a companion". Expecting him to understand why the things he did was so fucked up is absolutely futile.

I felt terrible about involving the other ppl but not about him. I tried to apologize to the woman if I caused any undue stress to her family but as one could imagine that did not fly over well. She called me psychotic and said that he was with her now, and I did not respond as graciously as I would like to but I can't change what has transpired. And I played the role of disgruntled crazy ex-girlfriend and allowed him to operate in the position of victim, like he always is with his exes. Even though I expected her to keep seeing him either way.


So while I'm wrestling with the guilt of possibly hurting other people I'm also trying to make sense of what it was I experienced with him. It's hard coming to terms that what I once considered to be a 'friendship' albeit 'complicated' was really just emotionally abusive co-dependency fostered by a man with possible sociopath/ narcissistic personality disorder and what my therapist has concluded my own issues with abandonment that stems from some childhood trauma. I'm realizing that we were insulated in our own little ecosystem of dysfunction and it wasn't 'us' who made it weird, it was him and now I have to do the work of detaching myself from co-dependency and lingering sense of loss and pain. But I'm taking it day by day.

[helpmeplease]

Artemis T,
I can so relate to everything you have expressed in your post. That man has tortured and tormented you for years. He has been playing mind games. None of this is your fault he drove you to reacting in this way. You had perfectly normal reactions to being treated appallingly. You tied yourself up in knots trying to be amenable and understanding. He did not deserve your time or your kindness. He has been manipulating you gaslighting you and was cruel to you. All his explanations for his behaviour are complete rubbish. He isn't depressed he is self serving. He knew full well what he was doing to you. Its not your fault, you were dealing with someone who was disordered who had a warped way of thinking. Keep away from him. Keep going to therapy. Keep reading these posts. The people here completely understand what you are going through. If it will help read my posts. Your  experience has similarities with mine. Your gentleman is an extreme version of mine. I felt everything you describe. The confusion , the anguish. My first relationship I felt mostly confused, I didn't really see everything,  the second I understood his tactics but it still had a devastating effect on me. Memory loss etc.
Don't worry about how you reacted with that girl. Just put it down to experience. I too felt those things. If I had been brave enough I would have done similar things. I fantasized about having rows and worse with her. You know now it wasn't the right thing to do. You just caused yourself more upset. You are reflecting on everything and you are taking responsibility which is something he has never done. Ultimately he is manipulating her too and all the other girls. Goodness knows what rubbish he is telling them all. These men are unfortunately very similar. They get results from acting this way. You are not like that. What you need now is time and space, keep off social media it does you no good believe me. I kept checking her pinterest page for months, obsessing over her every move why her and not me. Try and get lots of fresh air go for walks spend time with animals, volunteer, get massages, facials, rest, eat properly keep busy. Do things just for you. Things will get better, the pain will ease. I promise you. Lots of love helpmeplease.   x

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. What a long and painful journey this relationship has been for you. I am thankful you are here and that it sounds like you have in real life support with a T. There is no need to go it alone as you rebuild your life and move forward in healthy ways.

One of the best things I can think of to share with you is to learn about trauma bonding and emotionally abusive and coercive relationships. A truly stellar resource for you alongside of our toolbox and personality disordered information is found here: https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Keep taking this one step at at time and reaching out. Our Separating and Divorcing board would be an encouragement for you along with the Working on Us board. Here are links to both:

Separating and Divorcing
Working on Us

[Artemis T]

Artemis T,
I can so relate to everything you have expressed in your post. That man has tortured and tormented you for years. He has been playing mind games. None of this is your fault he drove you to reacting in this way. You had perfectly normal reactions to being treated appallingly. You tied yourself up in knots trying to be amenable and understanding. He did not deserve your time or your kindness. He has been manipulating you gaslighting you and was cruel to you. All his explanations for his behaviour are complete rubbish. He isn't depressed he is self serving. He knew full well what he was doing to you. Its not your fault, you were dealing with someone who was disordered who had a warped way of thinking. Keep away from him. Keep going to therapy. Keep reading these posts. The people here completely understand what you are going through. If it will help read my posts. Your  experience has similarities with mine. Your gentleman is an extreme version of mine. I felt everything you describe. The confusion , the anguish. My first relationship I felt mostly confused, I didn't really see everything,  the second I understood his tactics but it still had a devastating effect on me. Memory loss etc.
Don't worry about how you reacted with that girl. Just put it down to experience. I too felt those things. If I had been brave enough I would have done similar things. I fantasized about having rows and worse with her. You know now it wasn't the right thing to do. You just caused yourself more upset. You are reflecting on everything and you are taking responsibility which is something he has never done. Ultimately he is manipulating her too and all the other girls. Goodness knows what rubbish he is telling them all. These men are unfortunately very similar. They get results from acting this way. You are not like that. What you need now is time and space, keep off social media it does you no good believe me. I kept checking her pinterest page for months, obsessing over her every move why her and not me. Try and get lots of fresh air go for walks spend time with animals, volunteer, get massages, facials, rest, eat properly keep busy. Do things just for you. Things will get better, the pain will ease. I promise you. Lots of love helpmeplease.   x

Thank you so much I really appreciate it and the encouragement. I look forward to becoming an active member of this forum. Thanks for listening

[Artemis T]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. What a long and painful journey this relationship has been for you. I am thankful you are here and that it sounds like you have in real life support with a T. There is no need to go it alone as you rebuild your life and move forward in healthy ways.

One of the best things I can think of to share with you is to learn about trauma bonding and emotionally abusive and coercive relationships. A truly stellar resource for you alongside of our toolbox and personality disordered information is found here:
Keep taking this one step at at time and reaching out. Our Separating and Divorcing board would be an encouragement for you along with the Working on Us board. Here are links to both:

Separating and Divorcing
Working on Us

Thank you, I will definitely look into this, I appreciate the warm welcome.