In pain from NC

[loveandlight]

I am not quite sure which board this would fall under so as my first post I figured I would start here.

I am close to two months out from going NC and I am in pain. Long story short he went and did the very thing I was afraid of, the very thing I kept trying to talk to him about, the topic that lead to him putting it back on me "you'll never trust me" and discarding me... He had triangulated me with his ex since last summer, and I found out later (from her) that he cheated on me many times with her. Part of what makes this so disturbing to me is to see how he has brainwashed her, how she will rationalize and make excuses and will say or do anything to keep him in her life. He has left her at least four times and I feel he wishes to go back and forth between the two of us. I don't want to be like that yet I feel the pull of the trauma bond right now.

Nothing with him was safe or secure. Anything that would have signaled a "serious" relationship was wiped out. For instance right after I met his friends and family he had started reconciling with his ex behind my back for weeks and then he dumped me (the first time). If he went to visit family I would become anxious because that's where he made the first decision to leave. I found old messages from his ex in my inbox that detailed dates they were together. When I confronted him about this is when he dumped me the second time. He expected me to just get over his infidelity without ever really talking about it. He didn't feel starting one relationship while in another was cheating so he played that card for as long as he could... until he said "bedsides cheating on you what did I do that was so bad?". This was asked after he dumped me so I assume it was asked more so he could gauge how big of a hit his reputation would take.... he really feels he's a good guy.

In the beginning he would omit information that he knew would be a dealbreaker so that I would keep dating him. There was one night early on when I packed up my stuff and bolted from his house. He managed to talk me into coming back... I never should've gone back...

How did you finally move on? Physically, mentally, emotionally.... some days I'm fine... some moments I'm fine and then I get triggered and I plummet. Logically I know he is terrible for me. I gained a lot of weight and started drinking more. I felt SO lonely in that relationship. He kept triangulating me with others as well, telling them about my "crazy reactions" but surely leaving out important details. How do you get past the raw anger and rage... how??

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to the forum. Being left with some many mixed messages and a broken heart is incredibly painful. I am so sorry this man was not a trustworthy and good one. Do you believe he may be suffering from a personality disorder (PD)?

What has been most helpful to me is building a circle of support, redirecting my focus from the person in my life who has a PD and their behaviors and choices, to my own. Understanding why I bonded with someone who is untrustworthy and why I ignored red flags, why I kept going toward a harmful person, has been key to my own healing and getting out of the fear, obligation, and guilt.

The drop down tabs above are filled with helpful and insightful information. The toolbox will give you strategies to have in your back pocket. Check out our book reviews and begin reading things that will help enlighten your understanding and begin to clear your mind and your heart will follow.

We have a board specifically for those who are breaking up with a person with a suspected or diagnosed PD and it is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=8.0

It might be a great help to you to have face to face support from a therapist as well. Keep reading the posts here, keep coming back, and keep doing the healing and recovery work. It truly does work when combined with time and distance from an emotionally abusive and coercive intimate partner.

[Surrendertotheflow]

Hi Loveandlight,

I'm new here as well and only about 2 months into a breakup with a PD partner. What's worked for me is allowing myself to feel all of those emotions fully. As they come to you allow yourself to give in to them and feel them. If you feel angry, be angry, if you feel sad, cry it out. It helps. They will pass eventually. Learning has helped me a great deal as well. Read books, read articles, read others stories, share your story, listen to podcasts / youtube videos. It's important for your healing that you discover what has happened to you. The  book Psychopath free, and Inner Integration podcast has been very valuable to me. There are numerous resources here, the web, the library, etc.

My ex caused our relationship to be off-kilter much as yours was, with triangulation with other males. She was constantly telling me "will you ever trust me" much as it sounds like your ex did as well. Of course we will never trust them, because they are untrustworthy. They do not deserve our trust. Don't be hard on yourself.

Finally, as Bloomie mentioned, place your focus inward instead of on this person and what has happened. For me, this could not happen until I allowed myself to feel my emotions fully, as well as learn about PD's and find out what it was I had experienced. Then you can look inward and begin to heal. This is a new start. Face your demons head on, your insecurities, your flaws.. and in spite of them, love yourself and know that you are good enough and deserve better than what you just experienced. Meditation is a good place to start. Therapy as well. Therapy has helped me tremendously, however it took me a few therapists until I found the right one. Not all therapists understand or are familiar with PD's.

Above all, trust yourself and your intuition. Learn to listen to your body, and trust when it tells you something.

Best of luck!

[sheilastorm]

Hi Love and Light, We are both feeling pain from NC.  I notice that when I have tried NC before, it takes a week or two before the full abandonment and withdrawal feelings kick in.  In my case these are difficult because my x has been good at isolating me.  Triangulation is a tough one.  I experienced that in my previous narc relationship.  I am following Bloomies recommendation to go to the forum specifically for break ups, and also plan to get a therapist.  I also like surrender to the flow's recommendation to meditate.  I have been trying to discipline myself to do that.  Take care and good luck.   ....sheilastorm

[loveandlight]

Thank you all for your kind words <3

I've been seeing a therapist for three years, as soon as my previous breakup occurred I knew something wasn't right and I found one right away. She's the one who suspected NPD :-/

I am not sure if he is (as he has not been diagnosed) but I have my suspicions (I know a lot about their behaviors, and I feel Psychopath Free is one of the greatest books written about manipulators I've ever read!), coupled with the input from my therapist and I feel it may be so. My father is without a doubt an N, so I know I'm susceptible and have been groomed to tolerate bad treatment. It's so hard when it's all a mind game, words have so much power and I agree... while at first I felt GREAT, my abandonment anxiety and inner critic has kicked in hard core.

I'm currently reading cptsd: from surviving to thriving... here's to healing. Thank you all again