Disregard of Boundaries

[AMC]

I just found an email in my junk inbox from my mother, who has told me she is going to come to my work tomorrow morning - even though she has repeatedly been told not to. I have been NC for 3 months and limited contact for 6. She keeps trying to find a way to manipulate the situation and is harassing me (Police have suggested I take a case against her in order to get a safety order).

The police have been informed and have said they will step in if she causes disruption in a public setting (like outside my place of work).
I feel this situation gets more and more out of hand as time goes by because of how unrelenting she is.

My whole body is responding physically, shaking and heart pumping - I know that I am doing my best, and things will pass - but every time I am flung into one of these situations I really struggle with moderating my response in the knowledge that my being stressed won't fix it.

I don't want to live in high alert (I spent long enough doing that!), so am unsure how to remain steady when this behaviour continues in such an unpredictable way.

Today, I am living by the mantra  - the only way out is through.

[coyote]

AMC,
I hate to hear anyone experience the physical symptoms associated with this kind of needless harassment, especially from the one supposedly to be our parent. I say supposedly because I'm not sure she's earned the mantle of parenthood. You will get a lot more intelligent responses from others more well versed in the parent area than I. Just wanted you to know I understand what you are going through.

[moglow]

Take a deep breath, and go speak with a sympathetic manager or HR, be very up front how distressing this is and come up with a game plan. She thinks you're trapped there, but you're not.

Whether it means you leaving the building out the back or being removed to a distant area of the building while she's there, you don't need to have a head-on with your mother (or anyone else!) at work. You're in training or a meeting and can't be disturbed.

Literally, if you have to, leave for the day or even for a while after to gather yourself. Ive done it - it's not fun but better that than a very public face to face. That's what she's counting on, that you'll have to make nice while she walks all over you in front of your co-workers.

Breathe! And go have a quiet chat with your boss. They may have more compassion and understanding than you expect. I know mine did when i had to do it. They put a barrier between me and that nonsense and were glad to do it, only said they wish they'd known sooner and could gave saved me grief. AND they'd check me when I tried to cave in to her later, remind me what happened last time. I needed that!

[AMC]

Thank you both! I spoke to my boss and she was very understanding. I spent the evening quite anxious, but once I had spoke to the local police, they reassured me they would be on hand if needed.

Sharing the load really helps, and especially if you get a variety of responses.

I woke up to my mother ringing the doorbell and came downstairs to find two bags of childhood memories on the front step - photographs, scrapbooks etc..it felt like a kick in the stomach and I wasn't surprised that she felt it necessary to travel two hours to deliver these items just to get an emotionally manipulative dig in.

However, my dad said, isn't it nice to have these things now and even if you don't look at them for a long time, you'll be grateful to have them in the future. Silver linings and all!!

Anyway - thanks again and hopefully she doesn't pull this stunt again (not holding my breath!)

[all4peace]

I'm sorry for the torment you're being put through by someone who will not respect your very basic boundaries. Please do whatever it takes (healthily) to stay as calm as you can. Those bursts of cortisol and valuable for the short-term but damaging in the long term. Deep breathing, listening to music, yoga, warm baths, talking to a friend...whatever is most calming for you. It can take our nervous systems a long time to start relaxing again.

If you're able to at some point, look into inner-child work. It was helpful for me to reparent the inner child, to heal and integrate, to finally realize that I inhabited my adult self and had all the adult tools I needed to stand as an adult before my parents. I'm glad you've got the law on your side--that's one of our adult tools that we couldn't use in childhood. Keep finding those tools and using them, as you have every right to have and maintain boundaries.

I'm glad you reached out for help here. My best to you in this really challenging time!

[moglow]

I think your dad's right, you'll be glad to have those things later even if for now you pack them away in a closet somewhere. At least she didn't destroy them, as if erasing you from her life. Mine did and I can tell you that crushed a part of me. Small comfort given her timing, I know.

That aside, ive also found that getting some of this out really does help me. It lets me release the angst so I dont turn it in on myself. It doesnt always work, but I always feel better when someone responds with compassion and options going forward. As you say, I'm not holding my breath she won't try again, but sometimes those baby steps help tremendously!