still processing BPDm and EnF family visit - last weekend

bohemian butterfly · April 08, 2019, 02:11:03 PM

Hello Everyone,

My parents (uBPDM and EnF) were in town last weekend so I invited the family (parents, brother, SIL & kids) over for a picnic.

Let me start off saying that this was a huge deal for me because, whoa, it's been a journey!

I was in intense therapy for about a year and I went from: complete enmeshment to VERY low contact to almost estrangement (I was "punished" with "distancing" for my "cutting the enmeshed umbilical cord") to today.

My today = "management with boundaries erected and I will return to LOW contact land if you emotionally abuse me" So for this family visit, I used some skills I've learned (from this forum - Out of the FOG, DBT, Lisa Romano and Kris Godinez) For this picnic, I had a begin time and an end time (to prevent "lingering"), I kept it moving (LOTS of movement, lots of activities, LOTS of distractions). I changed the subject, I grey rocked and protected my energy/psychic field with lots of lavender, incense, blessing power and crystals!

But what happened, I hadn't prepared for, nor did I have the skills to prepare me for....... the Enabler!

So, I tried to bond with my father. We have a few common interests, one of them being ancestry. So, I made a mistake...... I tried to get close to him. When my parents were getting ready to leave, I pulled out some research regarding our family tree (I should note that I just realized that perhaps subconsciously, by trying to bond with him when they were leaving, the child inside was saying, "please don't go" - oh man, that makes me so sad!

) Anyways, as I was showing him something I had found, he suddenly burst into tears. I was completely dumbstruck and was instantly flung right back into my childhood (he has done this several times to me in my life, once when I was like 8 years old, crying and saying that I didn't love him: You loved me when you were a baby, why don't you love me anymore??). I was filled with guilt and shame. I ran over to him to comfort him. I kept patting him on the back and saying that I was sorry I made him upset. He was heaving crying saying that it was painful to think and talk about. Mind you I was totally clueless. My mother never let us get close to my dad, so I literally don't know much about him or his family. She was also crying.

As I stood there, trying to use skills I've learned, there was this internal battle going on within as I thought the following: I am a loving soul, my father is crying! I know that I haven't done anything on purpose, so I shouldn't apologize, but I don't want this person to be sad. I didn't mean to make him cry! . I also felt like I needed to do something (for the next generation was watching, yes 2 kids (niece and nephew) under the age of 10 were sitting there witnessing the whole thing), so I tried to reel it in. I knew they were absorbing this interaction like a sponge, so I tried to be healthy if not for myself, for them. So I said, "I am sorry that this is painful for you and I am sad that you are sad. I had no idea that this had happened and that is sad." I did not change the subject right away because I felt like it was important to not push things away.

Man, this is tough stuff. This happened last weekend and I am still trying to process this. I have an appointment with my therapist next week to help me, but did I do this right???

My father is a sensitive soul, but, like I said, he has done this to me a few times. Could this be a manipulative tool? I will admit, the interaction pulled me back into my role (the fixer/people pleaser). Up until that moment, I thought I had handled my family like a champ! I mean, I felt like I owned my home and that I owned myself and that I had boundaries. I felt secure in my new role as "me" and I felt like a capable, secure human. I felt really, really good. But after that.......whoa. I'm not sure what that was???

Thanks for reading!

p.s. Oh, I meant to add. I am extra emotional about this because my father is "super-bonding" with my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows more about him and our family than I do........ and they've only had a few interactions (but now he sends texts to my boyfriend.......)

illogical · April 08, 2019, 02:51:38 PM

Hi bohemian butterfly,

I think you handled your father's emotional outburst very well. It had to be very difficult, because generally speaking, he would be the one to comfort you, the child, not the other way around (not now that you are an adult, but in the past). You say his outburst took you back to your childhood. Could it be he triggered parentification? You said he had done this before.

From what you've posted, it doesn't sound like a manipulation. It sounds like you showed him something to do with his ancestry that triggered him. There is no way you could have prepared for this. Again, I think you handled it very well and is a testament to your strength that you didn't apologize-- as you say, you did nothing wrong. Kudos to you!

I might dial back the relationship with your father, though. The part about him "super-bonding" with your boyfriend makes me think that he is trying to mine him for information. Sure, it could be perfectly innocent, but he is, after all, your mother's enabler and could be acting as a flying monkey for her.

So that part concerns me more than his outburst. My humble advice is to proceed very, very cautiously with both of your parents, realizing that they are together and likely your father would take your mother's side if push came to shove. If your goal is LC with boundaries, I wouldn't get too cozy in the easy chair at this point. Your father may very well take any info he can glean from "super-bonding" with your boyfriend straight back to your mother.

I think it's probably close to impossible to have a relationship with your father separate from your mother's influence. Just my two cents. Take care!

bohemian butterfly · April 08, 2019, 03:28:40 PM

illogical,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I think you are right.... it's probably impossible to have a relationship with just my father because my father and mother are one (dysfunctional) unit. When I think about my dad, I am just filled with this deep sadness. I was groomed from childhood to dislike him (when he drank, my mother would be really cruel to him (glaring, saying mean things to him) while he just sat there, passively). Our relationship never stood a chance because I had no idea what was going on, I was a child and had no idea about dysfunctional, alcoholic families, etc. I didn't even know he was an alcoholic until my late teens.

I think that I am still in people-pleaser mode. I just feel so responsible for my father's sadness. This interaction totally triggered me. It was needed though. I need to process this pain and walk through it. I think that I had buried it. I am finding it hard to sift through the muck of dysfunction. Some days I think that I have found the diamond (mental health, strength) and on others I feel like I've been fooled and am actually looking at a cubic zirconia instead. I have no idea why that reference came to mind..... I don't even like diamonds.

And thank you for saying that I am strong. I really needed that. I appreciate it because I totally felt anything but strong.

illogical · April 08, 2019, 03:42:11 PM

I think you have great insight into your situation. I'm not just saying that-- I really do!

You might read up a bit on "parentification" because it sounds like you had to assume the role of parent as a child. This can really mess with your head, as the roles are reversed. You don't get the nurturing and protection you need from your parent(s) which was their responsibility. Rather, you are forced into the parent role as a child, made to feel responsible for them.

It's okay to be sad about your father. It is a sad situation. But you are 110% correct in your assumption that he is not your responsibility. All ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists and I would include BPD parents in that category) are groomed/brainwashed into thinking they are responsible for their parents' unhappiness and problems. It makes me angry even writing this because it's so unfair to put that burden on a child!

Keep on doing what you are doing. You know what you need to do-- keep your arm's length here. That doesn't mean you can't feel sad about the way things are (or might have been). You are demonstrating great character here!

bohemian butterfly · April 09, 2019, 09:27:04 AM

Aha! Parentification! OK, I will def check this out. It makes total sense. I have a memory of being 4 or 5 and thinking that even though I was scolded by my parents (and was obviously physically a child) I always felt like I had to be wise...... And I always had to reassure myself.

And I appreciate your compliments and comment, thank you so much!