Question for those ahead of me on this NC road...

[Maisey]

How has it worked for you if you have gone NC with IL's and your spouse had extremely minimal contact?

Did your spouse eventually not feel obligated to respond at all and go NC also?



M.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm in this situation too. Boy I sure hope that's how it works! Interested in seeing the responses.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Maisey,

This is a good question, and it is one of those questions where I would say "it depends". Your spouse has had a relationship with their parents for their entire life, and going NC is ultimately, their decision. I would say that some people in the situation you describe, feel more obligated to stay in contact, and some feel less obligated to stay in contact. It really depends on their own beliefs about this relationship that they have with their parents.

Obligation (loyalty) is a strong value. Loyalties can change, but they can also stay strong for someone's entire life.

Some people feel loyal to their parents their entire life, no matter what else is going on around them. I myself am not one of these people so I cannot speak to that experience as much as others can. I have no idea what it is like to be able to remain loyal to FOO members no matter what. Staying loyal to my FOO required me to stay unhealthy, and that was unacceptable.

So I could not say what someone who is ELC with their parents, should do or should feel motivate to do. I would not want anyone to tell me I cannot choose NC when conditions require NC for me. Relatedly, some sibs follow each other into going NC, and many do not.

Some people go grey rock or ELC with their parents, and keep things there for decades. Some people go from ELC to NC. My thoughts on this, based on what I've read on forums and etc.. over the years, is that it depends on whether they feel a need to go NC themselves.

Staying ELC and basically keeping contact out of obligation, is something a lot of people do with some, or all, of their family members, and may do it for their entire adult life. It's only a problem if it is a problem. In other words, if they struggle after each visit, or if someone in their life wants more or less contact than their level of contact facilitates. I think it really depends on whether the person who is doing ELC wants that to change, or is content / has accepted ELC as their chosen approach to these relationships.

[Maisey]

I'm in this situation too. Boy I sure hope that's how it works! Interested in seeing the responses.

I am hoping so, also.

I jumped at H's suggestion and am willing to try. It seems like a half measure.  And half measures never were enough , especially with MIL.

Trees, yeah we have alot of ways this could go.

M.

[candy]

DH and I both went NC when the IL's raged and shouted in our home nearly about a year ago.

I remained NC. In the beginning DH followed me in NC. DH has answered about 5 text messages around birthdays or Christmas and he has spoken to NPDMIL recently when he was forced to get his last stuff out of their house. Then again there hasn't been any contact for 2 month now.

When DH answered MIL and FIL I was disappointed and nearly felt sort of betrayed. Well, I thought we were in this together, and now it seems we aren't? I then concluded it was legitimate for me to reach my individual decisions concerning my ILs and the level of contact.

On the plus side me remaining NC has been encouraging for DH to seek and find professional support.

He had hoped his parents would rethink their behavior and change. Which, of course, they didn't. This is hurtful to DH but it is equally good as he now has a deeper understanding of how they truly are (without me telling him).

When there is contact between DH and his parents, I can count on two days of irritating fights about ostensible issues in the aftermath. Compared to the times we had regular contact with the ILs this is way better. Because it was two to five days of fighting then and it happened regularly.

My gut says my DH admires me for sticking to my boundaries with his parents. My main reason to go NC was to protect our DD from the ILs toxic behavior. Me remaining NC constantly reminds him of our duties as parents.
But if his fog settles in and he gives me the kids need grandparents talk, it is only me who is kind of a target to throw all those unresolved conflicts at as there is no one else. That's on the minus side.

Guess I am trying to say I was on the lookout for peace and calmness and life really got better in that sense. But, as others stated here before, it really depends on your partner. Your spouse may follow your lead or throw you under the bus.

[survivorcat]

I am in this spot also. My husband is coming Out of the FOG slowly. Contact is decreasing for him. And at last he is respectful of my choice to stay away from his family (no contact for two years so far). He still has some hope that eventually a few family members will begin to behave better and follow the boundaries he has set. It hasn't happened yet and it's year two. But it's his path to figure out.

[Maisey]

I am certainly not going back, I wish I had done this  long ago.  I could have saved myself alot of heart ache.

M.

[all4peace]

We're about as close to NC as one can be while living next door and sharing a very small community.

DH wanted things to stay unruffled. He saw the issues when I pointed them out, but he didn't want to deal with them. When my anxiety reach the unbearable point, I stepped way, way back and insisted on boundaries for the first time in our married life next door to his parents. When the ILs instantly and repeated violated those boundaries, DH started finding his voice. I tried to have distance with DH maintaining some thin connection to his family, but it didn't take many times of him attending events without me as a buffer for him to start facing the dynamics straight on.

I wish we could have had boundaries and distance without this level of destruction to the relationship, but this is where we are at now. I'm nearly NC and DH is nearly NC. I used to beat myself up endlessly on how I could have created so much damage, but I think that really dysfunctional and enmeshed systems are going to fight back (hard!) when someone in the system wants to change or un-enmesh. They were so relentless and escalating that DH could no longer ignore it.

At this point DH would prefer NC and I'm the one who is encouraging VLC. I would rather when my kids graduate and marry that the events not be excruciatingly uncomfortable, and merely tolerably uncomfortable. I want a level of contact that is manageable. At this point that's a few times per year, a few hrs at a time, never alone.

I wish you the best in this journey.

[hildab]

Hi, I'm new, but I've dealt with NPD in FOO and with in-laws. Regarding my ILs, DH's sister is N and she also targets us. The first time was when we got married, she went on a smear campaign against us (we were middle-aged and 2nd marriages so this is ludicrous). Anyway, 10 years later and we've been away a long time but moved back, she is pulling the same crap. Reversals in her life mean she attacks us. We are NC almost 100%. There are some extended family matters that DH is involved with (with SIL right in middle of course) but he has told his family that we are not going to attend any events she is at. They of course still go on business as usual for holidays but we don't care, we do something else. Right now NSIL is doing the "nice" thing with cards and emails, hope to "see you soon." Now waiting for next blast since we have.not.responded. DH has told his sisters and daughter that he will not attend anywhere she is and offered to let them read the hateful drunken emails. (SMH, I would never talk to anyone the way she does, let alone a family member who has been good to you)

It actually feels great to make this decision for myself. She has behaved horribly to me, including trying to ruin a milestone event for my DD. I don't want to be anywhere near her ever again. And I tell myself that if DH dies first, I am posting a security guard to keep her out of the funeral. She is malicious and evil.

[Starlightgirl]

I went NC with my in-laws first. 

They did not like this as they enjoyed trying to provoke me and get my reaction.  They even whined to an email to my parents that I *need* to communicate with them.

Ha!  I don't *need* to talk to them At All.

Anyway, being the immature, impulsive, needy control freaks, my in-laws started demeaning and insulting me to both my parents and my husband via email!

So I stayed out of it and let my in-laws get pummeled by my folks and their son to back off.

Soon thereafter both my parents and my husband (their son) went NC with my toxic in-laws.

What helped was my husband only communicated with them via email and it was harder for his gaslighting parents to minimize or flat out deny their snide remarks regarding my character, my parenting.

It's in writing and my husband got Out of the FOG.  No denying when it's in black and white text.

When their emails got particularly malicious (because we both ignored them), we showed them to the police.

The cops were taken aback and happily offered to call my in-laws and warn them to knock it off.

[hildab]

When their emails got particularly malicious (because we both ignored them), we showed them to the police.

The cops were taken aback and happily offered to call my in-laws and warn them to knock it off.

What kind of remarks were they, that they became a police matter? Just curious.

[Maisey]

This is the best place for me, and more difficult in alot of ways.

I am impatient now for H to be on board, really impatient. I want to walk away from the whole thing. Its ridiculous that I was not handling this for so long  and its so out of wack. Now I don't have the patience to wait for H.

M.

[NoVoice357]

How has it worked for you if you have gone NC with IL's and your spouse had extremely minimal contact?

Did your spouse eventually not feel obligated to respond at all and go NC also?

After I went NC with my uNPD ILs, DH started to see them for who they are and went VLC. He learnt about NPD and other Cluster B disorders. He only spoke to her uPDm twice or three times a year on the phone. I had (still have) a private telephone number unknown to my ILs. It was fundamental he did not share any kind of personal information about me with any of them. He was free to visit them whenever he wanted but their controlling behaviour affected his emotional and physical health and he did not have the energy to put up with them anymore, especially when engaging in F2F interactions.

MIL brought her uNPD daughters into the game and also a male relative of theirs. FMOE, abusive women rarely do the dirty work by themselves, they manipulate other people to do it for them, especially men. These women are good at playing The Abandoned Mother role  and men believe they must help The Poor Victim.
DH could not stand their abusive behaviour anymore and decided to go full NC with all of them a couple of years later.

[Solong]

We aren't NC fully but myself and DD haven't seen ILs in almost a year and DH saw them back in November for his "you've got problems, I'm distancing from you" talk with MIL/FIL.

MIL texts only on holidays. I respond usually and DH sometimes. Our situation is a bit different than many here I think. Most DILs would love my DHs "I'm done"/ NC position, but it's actually me who would advocate for a bit here and there. So, I can share from the perspective of the person who still wants some contact.

I've talked eith DH and my own therapist and I finally do realize that DH needs time to heal. We can't do that when we're in contact with those who hurt us. I've backed off the conversations pressuring for more contact or even really any discussions about them. I do still respond occasionally to holiday texts but DH has assured he's okay with it as long as I don't make it a conversation.

I'm still not all in for NC, especially now that we have DD and I *think* MILs behavior would be safe for visits a few times with firmly stated boundaries. But I have backed off a lot and am just letting things be. And I have to say, as time passes I get less surges of anxiety/fear/obligation to them and am starting to really enjoy the peace-regardless of what it means for the future of our standing with ILs. 

[Crissie]

I've been NC with my uBDP MIL for 7 months now and it's been bliss. My husband though, although he's slowly coming Out of the FOG is now pushing me to have contact again, and way more than I'm comfortable with. I'd sooner rather stay NC with her but it seems really important to him that he is able to invite her to our home again, which obviously we can't do whilst I'm NC. I said I would consider it if she fully apologised for some of the things she'd done last year, but there's no way things could ever go back to how they used to be and I'd be from now on be keeping my guard up and wouldn't go back to texting her the way I used to. Well he, found this unacceptable and accused me of acting like a child as a response  . So, that's how we've left it for now. Agreeing to disagree and MIL still hasn't issued her apology (which is unlikely to come) or had her invitation to come to tea  :  .

So, in our case, different levels of contact has proven to be somewhat problematic. I think because my husband is still somewhat in the FOG and is prepared to tolerate far more than me and and also because he just wants everyone to get on without the arguments,